joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Every straight man loves cock, because he usually has trouble keeping his hand off his own.

This is not wrong. My penis has a starring role in my fantasies.

Boru

[no one]

I'm so ugly, even my fantasies turn me down.

[Darinda]

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.’
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

[A. Secular Human]

Every straight man loves cock, because he usually has trouble keeping his hand off his own.

Without cock, there'd be no Colonel Sanders!

Amiright?

[The Valkyrie]

Every straight man loves cock, because he usually has trouble keeping his hand off his own.

[A. Secular Human]

Every straight man loves cock, because he usually has trouble keeping his hand off his own.

GODDAMMIT!!!  WHO'S GONNA CLEAN MY FUCKIN' KEYBOARD???

(Keyboards and chardonnay don't mix.)

[Darinda]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said, be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

[A. Secular Human]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said, be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

God damn!  There's some funnies today!

[Darinda]

At a wedding ceremony, two young boys found themselves deep in conversation. One of the boys nudged his companion and posed a question, “Do you know how many wives a man is allowed to have?”

His comrade contemplated briefly before responding, “Sixteen… four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A young man goes to a pharmacy and asks to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asks him how many. ‘Well,’ says the man, ‘I’ve only been dating this girl for a few weeks. But tonight I’m meeting her parents for the first time for dinner. After that, we’re going out for a night on the town, so I think this could be it. Better give me a dozen.’

At dinner that evening, the man asks if he could give the blessing. Everyone bows their heads, and the man returns thanks. But he goes on and on, bringing up topics like mercy, forgiveness, and understanding. 

After a few minutes of this, his girlfriend leans over to him and whispers, ‘You never told me you were so religious.’

He whispers back, ‘Well, you never told me your father was a pharmacist!’

Boru