joke time

[h4ym4n]

Xavier 

Disobey  

[Darinda]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, “This is incredible! I’ve got to try it again!”

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to break wind.”

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. “I’ve never broken wind in public in my whole life!” Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.

She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it one more time.” She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!

[Darinda]

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish…
The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?”

Saint Peter said, “Your wish is granted!”

POOF

She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.

The second nun agreed and said, “I’d like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?”

Saint Peter said again, “Your wish is granted!”

POOF

Away she went!

The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, “I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?”

With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, “I’m sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?”

The Sister squealed with excitement,”Oh my, yes, yes she is! She’s the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I’ve been saving for years!”

And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.

Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,”Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week.”

[The Valkyrie]

A priest in a small town is called away to an emergency just as he's about to start taking confession.

Unsure what else to do, he calls his Rabbi friend and asks him to cover for him

"I'm not sure I'd know what to do," replies the rabbi.

"I'll do a couple of confessions before I go, and you can watch," says the priest.

So, reluctantly, the rabbi goes over to observe a couple of confessions.

First, a man enters the booth, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What did you do?"

"I committed adultery. Three times!"

"Say two hail Marys, put $5 in the poor box and go and sin no more!" Instructs the priest.

Next, a woman enters the booth, " Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do?"

"I committed adultery. Three times!"

"Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor box, go and sin no more!" Instructs the priest.

After the woman leaves, the rabbi says he gets the idea, so the priest leaves him to it.

Shortly afterwards, a young woman enters the confessional.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned!"

"What did you do?"

"I committed adultery."

"How many times?"

"Once!"

"Well, go and do it twice more. We're having a 3 for $5 special this week!"

[The Valkyrie]

An elderly couple approach a car salesman in a dealership after they see him sell the car they were interested in yo a tall, long-legged blonde.

"You were going to hold that car for us!" Says the older man.

"Yes, I was, but she had the cash up front!"

"And you said there was no discount. Yet you sold it to that beautiful young lady for $65,000, but the sale price was $75,000!"

The car dealer smiles, "well, I couldn't resist. Just look at her!"

Just then, the blonde walks over and drops the keys into the old man's hand.

"There you are, grandpa. I told you I could get a good deal!"

[Darinda]

There was a grandpa sitting on his porch, rocking in his chair, and chewing on a piece of grass, on a beautiful sunny morning. Down the road comes his grandson, a little ‘slow’, carrying some chicken wire.
Old man says ‘hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that there chicken wire?
The boy answers “Well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some chickens”.
The grandpa laughs, shakes his head, and dozes off. Next thing you know, back comes his granson with a whole bunch of chickens under his arm. The grandpa shakes his head and wonders.
Next day, the grandpa is rocking on his porch, and sure enough his grandson comes down the road, carrying 2 rolls of duct tape. The old man says “hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?”
The boy replies, “well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some ducks”.
The grandpa laughs again, shakes his head and dozes off. Next thing dont ya know his grandson comes back with a whole bunch of ducks under his arm. Now the grandpa is like wow, ok, he is lucky I guess.
The next day, the grandpa is rocking away looking down the street and here comes his grandson again. The grandpa says ” hey junior, whatcha got under your arm there?”
The boy answers, “well grandpa, I got me some pussy willows”.
The grandpa gets up quick off his chair and yells, “hold on junior, let me get my coat.”

[Darinda]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I went to the doctor, but he couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He said it might be excessive alcohol consumption.

So we agreed I’d come back when he’s sober.

Boru

[LinuxGal]

[The Valkyrie]

Putin in sitting in his office when his phone rings. He answers and a voice comes over the line, "Mr Putin, this is Paddy in County Cork. I'm afraid we've had to declare war on you!"

'Well, Paddy," replies Putin, "I have to admit that surprises me. How many people do you have?"

"Well," says Paddy, "There's me, Farmer Seamus from down the road, Mick the concreter, and the darts team from the 'Frisky Toad', so eight altogether!"

"I have to inform you that I have an army of 100,000 men!", states Putin.

"Saints preserve us!", says Paddy, "I'll call you back!:

Sure enough, the next day, Putin's phone rings again, "Mr Putin, it's Paddy again. Since we talked, I've added the church choir to our forces, and Mick has armoured two of his concrete trucks, so we now have armoured vehicles!"

"Well Paddy," Putin replies, amused, "I have over 3,000 tanks and I've increased my army to 150,000 men."

"Begorrah!", says Paddy, "I'll have go call you back!

Sure enough. Putin's phone rings the next day.

"Mr Putin, it's Paddy again. Sonce we last talked, I've added the school football team to the army, Mick's armoured Father O'Hooligan's car, and we've armed Seamus' microlight with a pair of shotguns, so we have air support."

Almost laughing now, Putin replies, "I have over 2,000 aircraft at my command and I've increased my army to 200,000 men!"

"Jeezus!", exclaims Paddy, "I'll have to call you back!"

Sure enough, Putin's phone rings the next day."

"Mr Putin, it's Paddy again. I'm afraid we're going to have to call off the war!"

Triumphantly, Putin asks, "So, you saw wisdom when you learned the strength of my forces?"

"Well," Paddy replies, "After yesterday's call I met with the boys and we agreed...

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...there's no way we could feed 200,000 prisoners!"

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