joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two cannibals are making small talk just before dinner when one says, 'You know, I really hate my mother-in-law.'

His mate replies, 'No worries, you can just have the vegetables.'

Boru

[Exian]

A man climbs a mountain to talk to God (cuz that's how it works):

Man: So, you're super old; how have you managed to pass the time?

God: Child, one billion years is like a second to me.

Man: Oh, really? How much is a billion dollars to you?

God: To me, a billion dollars is like a penny.

The man thinks...

Man: Say, God, can you spare a penny?

God: In a sec.



What? Too cutsie? Oh right- know your audience, Exian.

[IATIA]

What kind of bees make milk?

---

Boobees!

---

[Cyberman]

It must be shit to be an egg.

You only get laid once, it takes four minutes to get hard but only two minutes to get soft, you come in a box with five other guys, you only get eaten once and the only bird who'll ever sit on your face is your mum.

[robvalue]

How can I follow that?

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Cyberman]

Yes, that's right, Google Autocomplete - I was indeed searching for "hardcore poem".

[Little lunch]

All the poems are hardcore these days.
Back in the old days poems were soft and fuzzy and there was no turkey slapping.

[Jackalope]

A limerick I was told while overseas

There was a young man from Belgrave'
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I have to admit, I'm a bit of a shit,
"But think of the money I save!"

Along similar lines -

"A horny old hermit named Dave
Took dead whores to his cave
He said 'when they're dead,
They give lousy head,
But think of the money I save!'

[Exian]

Yay! Another talking animal joke. My dad told me this one the other day:

A dog is starving as he walks aimlessly through the forest, when he stumbles upon some fleshy bones. What luck! But as he approaches the carcass, he sees out of the corner of his eye a cougar lurking in the shadows.

"Ah, shit," he thinks "that fuckers huge. I better think fast."

So the dog pounces on the bones and says as loudly and casually as he could "Mmmm, cougar is best when it puts up a fight!"

With that the cougar turns tail and slinks away.

A monkey watches the whole thing unfold from high up in the canopy. He's not a big fan of the cougar, but he can't let the intruder outsmart his fellow jungle dweller, so off he goes after the cougar.

"Hey, cougar! I saw that dog find that carcass as he wondered through the trees. Lets go back and I'll help you get him." said monkey.

"Why, that little shit! Lead the way."

The dog saw the monkey run off after the cougar and thinks he's in real trouble now.

The cougar and the monkey creep up on the dog while it feasts on the bones. The cougar readies to pounce on the monkey's signal when he hears "Man, when is that damn monkey gonna get back with that other cougar."

[Minimalist]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”