joke time

[Cyberman]

Superman is flying over Metropolis, on a routine patrol, when he spies Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on a rooftop, her legs wide apart. He thinks, "Wow, what an opportunity! I can be down there in a blink of an eye, give her one, and because I'm faster than a speeding bullet I can be up, up and away before she knows what hit her!"

So in a blur of blue and red, he flies down, does his stuff, and flashes away in less than a heartbeat.

In total shock, Wonder Woman says, "What the fuck happened there?"

The Invisible Man says, "I haven't got a fucking clue, but my arse is throbbing like a bastard!"

[NotAMagician]

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"

[Cyberman]

A guy comes out of a brothel, trying not to be noticed, when he sees a little boy watching him. "I know where you've been," says the lad. Hurriedly, the man gives him a tenner, asking him not to tell anyone.

The man makes his way back home, and is just turning the key in the lock when he hears a little voice behind him. "Now I know where you live," says the boy. Again, the guy slips him a tenner, pleading with the child not to tell anyone.

Next morning, the little boy's mother is waking him up, when she finds the money under his pillow. She confiscates it and demands to know where it came from. "I can't tell you, I made a promise," says the lad; so she drags him off to confession.

In church, the priest ushers the boy into the confessional and takes his own place. Just as he gets settled and before he can say anything, he hears a voice through the grille. "And now I know where you work," says the boy.

[Polaris]

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

In England it's the thiests who can't keep quiet about it.

Anyhoo.

A man goes to an antique dealer with a dildo that had belonged to his great grandmother, his grand mother and finally his mother.

It had been in his family for generations.

Probably has to do with the maturity of atheism in America....it's more of a deal for Americans to brag about it than in Europe. Why I found it funny a European guy on Facebook was upset his European friends weren't talking as much about atheism as Americans. Told him it was because Europeans are more evolved on those issues.

[DIRTY_DEEDS_93]

In England it's the thiests who can't keep quiet about it.

Anyhoo.

A man goes to an antique dealer with a dildo that had belonged to his great grandmother, his grand mother and finally his mother.

It had been in his family for generations.

Probably has to do with the maturity of atheism in America....it's more of a deal for Americans to brag about it than in Europe. Why I found it funny a European guy on Facebook was upset his European friends weren't talking as much about atheism as Americans. Told him it was because Europeans are more evolved on those issues.

Let me just add that a theist brought religion into this off topic thread. Lol.

 It's not that anybody is more evolved. Anywhere in the world theists will think their religion is whats right and anybody who doesn't agree is wrong. Making them notice more and be more annoyed at what the Atheists are doing than what their fellow theists are. It's the same vice versa. Atheists even if they say they don't get annoyed or disagree easier just off the fact that the person is a theist they still do at some point. I know for sure I do myself at times

It's the same with people from England thinking they are superior or better than Americans, and Americans thinking they are better than England. It's all opinions and nobody is right, while at the same time nobody is wrong.

Now that I got to add my almost useless input let's get back on topic.
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How agnostics tell knock knock jokes

Agnostic: Knock Knock!

Other guy: Who's there?

Agnostic: I don't know for sure. 

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A mate of mine just emailed me that he's finally got a job.  His work is circumcising elephants at the zoo.  He says the pay isn't much, but the tips are HUGE.

Boru

[robvalue]

I used to know this policeman, he lived on Letsby Avenue.

(That's an antique joke and may not have dated well)

[Cyberman]

Was it number 999, by any chance?

[Cyberman]

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going, sir?"

"No, but I do know where I am."

[DIRTY_DEEDS_93]

2 fish are in a tank, 1 is driving while the other is operating the gun.

2 soldiers are in a tank, they both drown.