Confessions: Going to Church for Xmas this Year

[*Deidre*]

There's something that has been unsettling for me, lately. Not sure what it is, or where it's coming from, exactly. Perhaps, we are always on this journey, seeking truth, whatever that may be. We think we have finally found truth, but then the path keeps leading us elsewhere...Idk.

I consider myself an atheist, but not sure why I feel this void inside of me tugging away at my heart. I've decided to go to church for Xmas Eve service this year, with my dad. He asked me, as he has done these past couple of years since my deconversion, and I've always declined. But, this time, I said yes...and I'm actually looking forward to it. Is it possible that it's merely due to the effects of the season all around me? I didn't feel this way the past couple of years, but for some reason, I do this year. Hoping you don't consider me a weakling, but...there it is. I wanted to be honest with you, my e-family of sorts...who know what it's like to let go of Christianity/religion, and perhaps too, have felt a void you have never quite filled.

Wasn't really sure where to post this, I figured this was a good of a spot as any. I haven't been to church in a VERY long time, so it will be interesting at any rate.

If you have any advice, thoughts, words of hope or encouragement, I'd be interested in hearing.

[Minimalist]

They use the "feel good" bullshit to suck people in.

The story remains as absurd as ever.

[The Valkyrie]

Everyone feels that way once in a while.

Yes, go to church. If it helps you, good. If not, you tried.

Don't let yourself be sucked into anything just because you're feeling down.

Most importantly, take care of yourself.

[abaris]

Sorry, I haven't got any advice.

Even when my parents were dying and being burried, I didn't feel any need to go to church. I went because of my family, but it didn't give me anything. In some ways I'm still spiritual. That's why I wrote agnostic and not agnostic atheist in my profile, but the one thing I'm sure of is that no god is to be found at church. Only humans clinging to scripture as if it was a life belt.

My spirituality is the same it has been for decades. Only weaker with every year passing. I'm open to the possibility that there's a neutral force behind the universe and nature. But I'm not open to the thought of some caring god choosing to favor humanity. We are what we are. Descendants of some primeval primates.

[Jenny A]

I don't have any desire to go to church to seek the truth. But having grown up with it I do find the liturgy comforting and familiar. I still have it memorized just through having said and heard it all those Sundays. And I still like many hymns. Christmas services in particular are often beautiful I've gone to those on purpose more than on my own. So I don't kick and scream too much about going to church on Sunday when visiting.

I think ritual can be good for people. I just don't think it leads to truth about god.

Hoping you don't consider me a weakling, but...there it is. I wanted to be honest with you, my e-family of sorts...who know what it's like to let go of Christianity/religion, and perhaps too, have felt a void you have never quite filled.

Feeling that you need something more, is not weakness. I hope you find what you are looking for. I suggest that you consider groups and philosophies that replace woo with more secular ritual and community.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Enjoy your evening with your dad.

[robvalue]

There's no atheist code to break, if you want to go to church there's nothing wrong with that.

---

I would hazard a guess that you are missing a sense of community. Religion can be good at providing this as a hook. I'd recommend trying to find atheist groups to meet up with as well so you don't get dependent on the pull of church.

---

Also, if you were once religious it may be that conditioned part of you calling out. It's not an easy thing to snap out of. Maybe going to church will help you deal with those feelings in some way.

[Nope]

There is nothing wrong with going to church or even enjoying the experience. Despite the fact that I was brought up attending Baptist churches, I like the rituals involved in visiting a Catholic Church. Some churches are beautiful and some pastors/priests are good speakers. I can occasionally enjoy the church in a detached manner without any faith.

Churches and religion have a lot of experience appealing to our weaknesses and emotions instead of our intellect.

[FlyingNarwhal]

A confession usually follows a feeling of guilt, and there's nothing to feel guilty about. You miss something about going to church, so don't deny yourself the desire to do so. Maybe you go and it reaffirms your disbelief, maybe it doesn't. Either way though, you're still gonna have to explain it to the FSM.

[Alex K]

Hey Deidre,

I'm sorry if this is long, but it sounds like you wanted a story.
Quick background, I was brought up in a very milquetoastish German protestant environment which is probably comparable to very mainstream Anglican in spirit. I went through the whole Sunday school and confirmation thing when I was 14 because my parents wanted me to (I said I don't believe the shit, they said it's cultural and I should therefore go), even though I'm not sure I was a hardcore atheist. Anyways, after that I stopped attending church, but would usually join the family for Christmas, and I remained a member (in this country, you are officially registered as a church member with the government, strangely). After my experiences with fundamentalist Christianity in the bible belt, I decided to more actively reject religion, left the church officially and stopped attending even at Christmas. That was 16 years ago or so. Two years ago I joined a choir which does a lot of sacred works as well, and we did some concerts in church around christmas time, and even once during a catholic service. I admit I felt somewhat out of place, but I'm used to performing classical stuff in a religious context. Last year was the first time in 16 years I went to an actual Christmas service again with my mom and grandma - mostly because she is 92 now and not in good health, and I suddenly felt that I should go with her because she liked it and I wasn't sure whether it could maybe be the last time. There were some other things going on in my life that I don't want to get into right now, and even though I'm as dyed in the wool an atheist as ever, somehow I was very touched at times in that service. In between, the God talk by the pastor resetted the feeling again, because I can't for the life of me stand that nonsense, and you might feel the same - but somewhere between the hymns and just sitting there and maybe thinking about the many times I had been there in more carefree childhood days, I was touched. This is not exactly advice because I don't really see that you need any. Just go and don't think about it too much, it's not like you're committing treason, or the atheist god is going to smite you or anything. That's the great thing about the atheism business

As for the question about the void - I think I have this whole Saganish awe for the universe thing going - to me, Christmas time is the time when it's dark outside early (me being on the northern hemisphere unlike other folks here), the time of the beautiful night skies with Orion, Cygnus, Vega. When I look up at that star forming region in Orion flickering up there through the silent icy cold winter night, somehow, the Christmas lights, the singing, the baking and cooking, and the stars, it somehow makes sense. In my head, I'm having some kind of cosmic solstice celebration I suppose, and as long as the Jesus stuff is not too distracting, I'm happy with it.

How about you - what are the things you miss the most?

There's something that has been unsettling for me, lately. Not sure what it is, or where it's coming from, exactly. Perhaps, we are always on this journey, seeking truth, whatever that may be. We think we have finally found truth, but then the path keeps leading us elsewhere...Idk.

I consider myself an atheist, but not sure why I feel this void inside of me tugging away at my heart. I've decided to go to church for Xmas Eve service this year, with my dad. He asked me, as he has done these past couple of years since my deconversion, and I've always declined. But, this time, I said yes...and I'm actually looking forward to it. Is it possible that it's merely due to the effects of the season all around me? I didn't feel this way the past couple of years, but for some reason, I do this year. Hoping you don't consider me a weakling, but...there it is. I wanted to be honest with you, my e-family of sorts...who know what it's like to let go of Christianity/religion, and perhaps too, have felt a void you have never quite filled.

Wasn't really sure where to post this, I figured this was a good of a spot as any. I haven't been to church in a VERY long time, so it will be interesting at any rate.

If you have any advice, thoughts, words of hope or encouragement, I'd be interested in hearing.