Speculate on Jesus 3 days of HELLISH torment !!!

[vorlon13]

So, Jesus done gets Himself crucified, then what ?


Satan gets the Godboy, what does ol' Satan do with Him for those 3 days??  I think we can rule out visiting the bistro in Hell's mezzanine for a little conversation and a spot of desert and coffee right off the bat.

The bible omits any mention of preconditions God may have communicated to spare the kid some of the grosser depredations of the more deviant and criminally psychotically insane tormenters down there, so can we agree Jesus had a hideous 3 days indeed ??

Afterall, he is taking unto Himself all the torments to be meted out to literally billions, if not trillions of human sinners for potentially, an INFINITE duration.

I'm thinking Jesus had a rough go.  It might be possible He still isn't Himself 2000 years later. 

Just considering the logistics of it, how could the infrastructure and staffers of Hell support such an intense bout of tormenting, and during those 3 days, what of the other condemned souls ??

Still, Satan saw what was up, probably before Mary got nailed, and had time to prepare to an extent.  I'd still wonder though, if Satan could not infinitely torment Jesus in the time allotted, would humanity be fully redeemed ??

Odd and strange, perhaps, Satan had that degree of control and impact on God's Holy (and mysterious) Plan and it's successful denouement; Salvation.

Was Satan pondering this as he plunged his massively erect cloven penis deep into Christ's tender anus and ejaculated an eons worth of incandescently burning sperms to scald Christ thoroughly from the inside out ?

[Wyrd of Gawd]

So, Jesus done gets Himself crucified, then what ?


Satan gets the Godboy, what does ol' Satan do with Him for those 3 days??  I think we can rule out visiting the bistro in Hell's mezzanine for a little conversation and a spot of desert and coffee right off the bat.

The bible omits any mention of preconditions God may have communicated to spare the kid some of the grosser depredations of the more deviant and criminally psychotically insane tormenters down there, so can we agree Jesus had a hideous 3 days indeed ??

Afterall, he is taking unto Himself all the torments to be meted out to literally billions, if not trillions of human sinners for potentially, an INFINITE duration.

I'm thinking Jesus had a rough go.  It might be possible He still isn't Himself 2000 years later. 

Just considering the logistics of it, how could the infrastructure and staffers of Hell support such an intense bout of tormenting, and during those 3 days, what of the other condemned souls ??

Still, Satan saw what was up, probably before Mary got nailed, and had time to prepare to an extent.  I'd still wonder though, if Satan could not infinitely torment Jesus in the time allotted, would humanity be fully redeemed ??

Odd and strange, perhaps, Satan had that degree of control and impact on God's Holy (and mysterious) Plan and it's successful denouement; Salvation.

Was Satan pondering this as he plunged his massively erect cloven penis deep into Christ's tender anus and ejaculated an eons worth of incandescently burning sperms to scald Christ thoroughly from the inside out ?

Have you been reading the Babylonian Talmud again?

Page 39  http://www.come-and-hear.com/dilling/jriit.pdf

 Five deaths to Jesus.

[Kaninchen]

So, Jesus done gets Himself crucified, then what ?

Not wanting to create a diversion but . . .

The whole divinity descending into the Underworld business has a much, much older history in Middle Eastern religions (and elsewhere).

Cutting a long story short, the triple goddesses (Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte etc) all visited other aspects of themselves (they were trinities, after all) in the Underworld and were only let out when they agreed to share the consort God who, consequently, had to disappear to the Underworld for half a year then re-appear to get the whole agricultural cycle going.

So, the descent into Hell would have been something of a selling feature.

[Salacious B. Crumb]

Satan gets the Godboy, what does ol' Satan do with Him for those 3 days??

They probably talked shit about god.. being an asshole and everything.

“Hey jeebus, Pssyycchheee..  The cross wasn’t completely the end of your torture, hang out with satan a few days, and I’ll be able to forgive everyone, ok? That’s a good boy! Aren’t you a good boy?”

I wonder how jesus felt when he got back up into heaven. Maybe there was a long period when jesus ignored god and gave him the cold shoulder. Or, is it ignored himself, and gave himself the cold shoulder? Maybe, he was thinking, why did I send myself down to hell in the first place?

Fucking idiot..

[Iroscato]

Was Satan pondering this as he plunged his massively erect cloven penis deep into Christ's tender anus and ejaculated an eons worth of incandescently burning sperms to scald Christ thoroughly from the inside out ?

That's gotta be one of the most inventive descriptions of sodomy I've ever read and WHY DO I ALSO NOW HAVE AN ERECTION.

[Longhorn]

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. If you're going to ask more questions, I'll have to cop out and tell you that's satan tempting you.

[vorlon13]

It occurs to me this AM that we know from Scripture Christ only redeemed 144,000 souls while being tormented in Hell. So, keeping the math simple, we are looking at 50,000 (m/l) Salvations per day for Jesus to wrestle away from Satan.

I presume some bargaining occurred, "Hey, Satan, I blow you again for another 10,000 souls, and I don't have to wear the French maid outfit this time, OK?" for instance.

Also, I think it's clear, Jesus was going to have to impress Satan with His sincerity just as much as with his, um, technique. We therefore must conclude, Jesus had to really wow Satan and what could be more impressive than Jesus submitting to "Derby's Dose" ? So in addition to the obvious fellatio and sodomy Jesus would have been subjected too, Jesus clearly had to eat Satan's feces, and He had to do it willingly and with a smile upon His face. And from close quarters.

We could speculate as to Jesus (physical) orientation during this too. Was Jesus nose pressed firmly into Satan's voluptuous taint and was Satan's ball sack burning Jesus forehead while Jesus hungrily gulped Satan's fiery and corrosive spew ?? Or was Jesus the other way round, and Satan therefore able to bend over somewhat and bite off Jesus (presumably) Holy Penis, to further cement his sacrificial role in securing Salvation for a few more thousands of immortal souls ??


I'm getting rather more impressed with Jesus the further I look into this matter. Not just anyone, clearly, could do this. God had to be impressed . . .

[Lek]

Threads like this strengthen my conclusion that I'll never be an atheist.

[Iroscato]

Threads like this strengthen my conclusion that I'll never be an atheist.

Why not? It's fun to mock the imaginary. You should try it sometime.

[Pyrrho]

Two things.  First, Friday night to Sunday morning is barely more than one day, not three days.  Christians seem mathematically challenged.

Second, there is little reason to believe (even if one takes the Bible seriously) that Jesus descended into hell.  Here are a couple of articles that deal with this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harrowing_of_Hell

http://www.compellingtruth.org/did-Jesus...-hell.html

The long and the short of it is that Christians disagree with each other on this point.