The Taboo of Number Two

[Alex K]

This is the crappiest thread on this forum. By far.

No shit Sherlock

[Alex K]

Oh, and they ALWAYS float. It's like one large floating log in the toilet.

Sounds like you should stay away from the Marshmallows for a while

[Thumpalumpacus]

No one ever openly says "hey, I gotta go take a dump."

Sweetie, I think you've lived a bit of a sheltered life ... "I gotta go pinch a loaf" is a regular explanation for one's absence around here.

[Exian]

I usually just say I have to use the toilet. Effective enough

*leans in to the other guests at the table and whispers loudly* "He's gonna go poop."

C_L, you're speaking my language now. Poo has never been taboo in my family. Can't think of anything that's taboo in my family actually.

When Alex was talking about changing diapers, I wanted to share this story but TMI, so now here it is:

When my daughter was a baby, we eventually put her on formula (sensitive nips on the Ex). Well, we found some soy formula and decide to try that for a while. One night my daughter wakes up screaming her head off with that distinctive unvoiced infant screech. The type of scream that forgoes the vocal chords and just uses the sheer force of the throat slapping together at high speeds. Horrid. Does she want a bottle? No. Bounced? No. Ah, must need a diaper change. Nope! Clean diaper. And still screaming. But hang on a minute! What's this? Ah, here's the problem; a super dehydrated turd nugget twice the circumference of her normal movements stuck in her butthole! Apparently, the soy formula is a baaaad idea. So, of course, my lady nominates me to extract the turd. Which only took about a second of decision making, since the screeching sort of hurries you along. I dive in and grab the turtle head and start easing it out. It snaps off and now its flush with her butthole...
It snaps off and now its flush with her butthole...thought I should say that twice. Now I gotta dig in to get the bugger out, which I did. End of story.

I was a big hero. My daughter stopped crying immediately and fell asleep. I stayed up and went to work.

[Catholic_Lady]

I usually just say I have to use the toilet. Effective enough

*leans in to the other guests at the table and whispers loudly* "He's gonna go poop."

C_L, you're speaking my language now. Poo has never been taboo in my family. Can't think of anything that's taboo in my family actually.

When Alex was talking about changing diapers, I wanted to share this story but TMI, so now here it is:

When my daughter was a baby, we eventually put her on formula (sensitive nips on the Ex). Well, we found some soy formula and decide to try that for a while. One night my daughter wakes up screaming her head off with that distinctive unvoiced infant screech. The type of scream that forgoes the vocal chords and just uses the sheer force of the throat slapping together at high speeds. Horrid. Does she want a bottle? No. Bounced? No. Ah, must need a diaper change. Nope! Clean diaper. And still screaming. But hang on a minute! What's this? Ah, here's the problem; a super dehydrated turd nugget twice the circumference of her normal movements stuck in her butthole! Apparently, the soy formula is a baaaad idea. So, of course, my lady nominates me to extract the turd. Which only took about a second of decision making, since the screeching sort of hurries you along. I dive in and grab the turtle head and start easing it out. It snaps off and now its flush with her butthole...
It snaps off and now its flush with her butthole...thought I should say that twice. Now I gotta dig in to get the bugger out, which I did. End of story.

I was a big hero. My daughter stopped crying immediately and fell asleep. I stayed up and went to work.

LOL!

Wow. Please tell me you were wearing gloves??

[brewer]

CL, if they always float, do they always flush? My son had one that just refused to go away. He was not happy with the alternate removal process.

[Nope]

Oh, I got you beat all beat in the gross baby diaper competition. We had to put my youngest daughter's diapers on backwards to prevent her from randomly stripping in embarrasing moments.

For those who don't know, when you leave base housing, your quarters have to be cleaned and inspected. A woman stopped by to give me a pre inspection advice and asked to see the house. We got to my daughters bedroom and she asked if she could look inside. Fearing that I would wake my daughter from nap I told the lady no but for some weird reason she insisted so I opened the door. My smiling baby girl had not only stripped off every article of clothing but had smeared poop all over her face, in her hair and on her cribs and the walls closest to her bed. The woman looked at me like I 'd grown an extra head. I told her that she would have to let herself out because I needed to tend to my child. Blech

[Catholic_Lady]

CL, if they always float, do they always flush? My son had one that just refused to go away. He was not happy with the alternate removal process.

Lol, yes. Unless the toilet is clogged, they always flush like good little turds. I have had to extract my poop from a broken toilet before, though. That was freaking hilarious, and we caught it on camera.

[Exian]

Hell no I wasn't! It was 3am and a baby was in peril (and so were my neighbor's ears). I just dove in. I grew up in the country though, so coming into contact with poo at least three times a day is the norm. As kids we used to have road apple fights. The winners were usually the ones that were willing to pick up the fresh ones.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Yep, I have had this very same experience, C_L.

I talk about poop as if there is no taboo. Most people are bewildered by this, but I power through it.

I also extend the measure to farting. I'm sorry, everybody does it, and I think farts are great. It is not long after you meet me that I have farted in your general presence. You may not know it, but it has happened. If you do notice it, and say nothing, this is a bad thing.

There's not much in life that beats the sublime pleasure of crop-dusting a gaggle of unsuspecting victims.