Need to Vent - Thanks Religious Assholes

[The Grand Nudger]

Not sure if you're trying to have fun with me right now in a more serious thread, but, NO, he's a narcissist, and doesn't give a fuck what he says or does. He doesn't care that the things he says or does around him hurt others. He turns it into a ME ME ME thing. 

"What about me? I've got it so rough. "Remember that thing you did to me when you were 13? That really hurt too you know."

LOL, no, no man...it sounds like your just dealing with a bastard.  I only asked because I had an inlaw that started to go senile and be a real cunt...turns out she wasn't trying to, she'd just lost her talent for a good joke.  Somebody finally brought it up and she teared up, earnestly thought she was being funny in a cranky way, or she was just fucking with us on that count too....hard to tell. In any case, do you have a sort of boundary in mind whereby you won't put up with anymore shit?

[Salacious B. Crumb]

I'm really sorry he's been giving you so much grief He sounds like a total dick, and is not worthy of you as a son.

Sadly, I can totally relate. My father drove me to suicidal depression through his psychological bullying and manipulation. He sounds fairly similar to yours, just replace the religion part with a massive ego. In the end the only way I could keep my sanity was to cut him out emotionally completely, to stop caring about anything he said ever. I also had to minimise the contact I had with him.

Getting away from him however you can sounds like the first order of business, for sure. We don't choose our parents, and we have no duty to put up with their abuse and "love" them anyway. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all this, and I hope you can find a way to live a settled life away from him.

What is the matter with people? How can they do that to their own son? I’m sorry for your issues as well. I’m still having a hard time calming down after a few days. The whole situation is making me anxious, even being away from him and ignoring his bullshit cries for me to come back, so he can have control over me again.

And, thanks.. I hope I can get settled somewhere and have a nice life.

[Salacious B. Crumb]

@ Crumb,

Your father and my mother were separated at birth, I think.

I can't really advise you, not really knowing you,

but this is what i said to my mother:

Mom:  This is a one-way communication,
you may take it or leave it,
but it will not be open to comment or debate, whatsoever.

I don't seek to offend or hurt you,
but you're going to believe what you want;
I can simply no longer afford to invest energy in convincing you that offense was not intended.

I've tried my best to cope with our situation, and maybe I failed,
but in any event, I've reached the end of my willingness to sink any more of my time or resources
in what seems to be a futile endeavor.

it's not because I don't care,
but because it's not making any difference.

Sadly, I feel that continue to invest energy into mending this relationship
will only yield diminishing returns.

I'm moving on.  Please do not seek reassurances from me, I cannot give them.

I'm sorry for my mistakes,
and if you ever find yourself wanting my forgiveness,
please know you already have it...

...but that does NOT translate into your having carte blanche to restore the old status quo.

With absolute sincerity, and zero antagonism,
I encourage you to seek professional help.

I love you Mom, and I hope you find peace and mental health.

Me

Thanks for sharing that. It’s polite, and well thought-out. I may do something like this in the future if I feel that it’s right.

[Salacious B. Crumb]

Not sure if you're trying to have fun with me right now in a more serious thread, but, NO, he's a narcissist, and doesn't give a fuck what he says or does. He doesn't care that the things he says or does around him hurt others. He turns it into a ME ME ME thing. 

"What about me? I've got it so rough. "Remember that thing you did to me when you were 13? That really hurt too you know."

LOL, no, no man...it sounds like your just dealing with a bastard.  I only asked because I had an inlaw that started to go senile and be a real cunt...turns out she wasn't trying to, she'd just lost her talent for a good joke.  Somebody finally brought it up and she teared up, earnestly thought she was being funny in a cranky way, or she was just fucking with us on that count too....hard to tell.  In any case, do you have a sort of boundary in mind whereby you won't put up with anymore shit?

It’s all good rhythm, no worries, my mistake. He doesn’t seem to be senile; he seems to have very radical views on everything, and seems the need to enforce them on everyone else. Also, he’s the most gullible motherfucker on the planet. He won’t believe his own family that pretty much never lies to him, but will believe a very well-known liar that doesn’t live with us, or believe anything he hears from anyone as long as it doesn’t completely contradict catholicism or FOX news.

And, regarding the boundary thing.. In my OP, you’ll see that I packed up a bag about 4 days ago, left the house, and have been completely ignoring him. Even him being a pure asshole, it’s still hurting me and making me a nervous wreck. I guess I feel I’m traveling into unchartered waters doing something so radical, and don’t know what lies ahead.

[robvalue]

Thank you. I don't know either how anyone can treat their children this way. It's a horrible way to carry on.

The more they abuse their power and treat their kids like shit when they have them "at their mercy", the more likely those kids are to have as little to do with them as possible when they get the chance. My parents have made their bed, now they lie in it. They're never going to change, they are still trying their best to abuse and manipulate me and I'm 38. The difference now is that I have completely emotionally detached myself from them. I've also moved far away from them so they can't keep "just popping round". For my own sanity, this is the way it had to be. It sounds like your father is pushing very hard for that to be your only option too.

One extremely radical idea of my own, possibly terrible but here goes: you could get him to read my posts here so he can see the results of his "style" of parenting. That would give him one last chance to back the fuck up. If he still doesn't after that, there is no hope for him. You could say you've been discussing your problems, and copy/paste my posts without having to show him what you wrote.

[KevinM1]

So sorry you're going through this, Sal. Your father sounds a lot like mine, albeit less violent. My father was always a bit off the deep end. Mental illness runs in his side of the family. His father was a genius who bordered on complete insanity. He liked to parent by simply beating his sons. My father used to talk about it with a sense of awe and respect. Thankfully, my grandfather died before me and my brothers were born.

My father was physically abusive to my oldest brother during his toddler years, but turned to verbal and mental abuse after that. My brothers and I were never troublemakers. We always did well in school, never got detention or in any real trouble. Never stayed out late, vandalized anything, got into fights, did drugs, got anyone pregnant, etc. Yet, we were disrespectful ingrates who were lucky to have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

Whenever we did something he perceived as being wrong (which was based on his whims... we could do the same thing every day with no issue, then out of the blue all hell would break loose on the nth time), he would make us stand in a line like we were soldiers while he did his best drill sergeant impression, ranting and raving in our faces, telling us how worthless we were. We were 12 and younger. He was a Vietnam vet, you see. A guy who stayed in the safest areas because he was an Air Force plane engine mechanic. Yet, he demanded he be treated like a bonafide war hero instead of a grease monkey who essentially had an extended tropical vacation because he was as far from the fighting as anyone in the area could be.

He once tried to burn the house down with us inside. I was like 3 or 4. He would freak out at the drop of a hat. It was always our fault. He would kick in bedroom doors in order to yell at us.

He was always paranoid, but it came to a head when we got cable TV in 1990/1991. It was during Desert Shield/Storm. Suddenly, he was watching CNN all day every day. And then he started watching C-Span. Everyone was a communist. And not in a 'ha ha' way. The yelling and ranting got worse as time went on. It became an almost daily thing. He was paranoid that the government was out to get him, that there would be an revolution, etc. Alex Jones shit before Alex Jones even existed.

Why didn't we leave? We needed his income for my medical bills. The 1980's were a lot different than today when it came to covering complete physical disability from birth. The bulk of my 43 surgeries were done when I was a kid. We had bills out the wazoo. Mom, in addition to working a full 40 a week (sometimes more) went to night school to get her business degree so she could earn more. She also brought me to every medical appointment both locally and down in Boston. And took care of my brothers, who aren't disabled but were still kids. My father didn't do much parenting due to us not wanting him to, and thankfully he was too lazy to insert himself into it. We walked on eggshells enough with him simply sitting in the living room recliner chain smoking and smoldering with rage as he watched the news.

There was a religious aspect to it, too. He repeatedly told us about this dream he had where god woke him up from a nap on the couch. He went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and saw god over his shoulder. He couldn't make out god's features, just that it was glowing and kind of humanoid. And god told him he was a good person doing a good job. Between his military service and god dream, he literally thought he was righteous in everything he did. He was never wrong, never cruel, never abusive in his mind.

Turns out he was a child molester. He molested my cousin/godmother when she was 8-16. Why didn't she tell us until I was an adult? Because she knew we needed his income for my medical bills. I cannot adequately express the guilt I have knowing she was humiliated and suffered in order to protect me.

We call him Asshole. He's in prison. We were able to meet the statute of limitations for the last year of abuse (her 15-16 year). Even with just that year, he got 16 counts of felonious sexual assault. His purported last parole hearing is actually next Tuesday. My brothers and I have changed our last names to our mom's maiden name. I still live with her. She's my hero.

Now, I'm not saying this to try to take over the conversation or one up you in the misery department, Sal. I have no interest in getting into a terrible father dick waving contest. I just wanted to share my story in order to illustrate that I really know what you're going through. I get the constant defense, the locking yourself in your room, enjoying leaving the house for any reason, and dreading having to come back to a home that feels like enemy territory. I get it.

My advice is simple: do whatever you can to get the fuck out of there and don't look back. I haven't seen my father since he was arrested 15 years ago, and that time has been the best time of my life. I feel a lot more confident, I don't need to hide away, etc. Yet, I can still feel his presence in how I react to certain things. Living with a psychotic affects everything, and the effects are long lasting and sneaky. The sooner you get out of there, the sooner you get to heal, which can take a long time.

Beyond that, I'm giving you an Internet hug. Stay strong and do what's best for you. And full props to your grandma.

[robvalue]

Jesus fuck Kevin, I'm so sorry to hear that I'm glad he's out of your life now and can't directly hurt you anymore.

[The Grand Nudger]

It’s all good rhythm, no worries, my mistake. He doesn’t seem to be senile; he seems to have very radical views on everything, and seems the need to enforce them on everyone else. Also, he’s the most gullible motherfucker on the planet. He won’t believe his own family that pretty much never lies to him, but will believe a very well-known liar that doesn’t live with us, or believe anything he hears from anyone as long as it doesn’t completely contradict catholicism or FOX news.

And, regarding the boundary thing.. In my OP, you’ll see that I packed up a bag about 4 days ago, left the house, and have been completely ignoring him. Even him being a pure asshole, it’s still hurting me and making me a nervous wreck. I guess I feel I’m traveling into unchartered waters doing something so radical, and don’t know what lies ahead.

Fuckin rough, I did see that.  I guess the trick is going to be sticking to it, you seem like a pretty solid person, guilt is going to pull at your strings even if you know that what you did was the right thing for you.  It's tough to cut loose, no matter the reason. Wish you luck.

[Salacious B. Crumb]

Thank you. I don't know either how anyone can treat their children this way. It's a horrible way to carry on.

The more they abuse their power and treat their kids like shit when they have them "at their mercy", the more likely those kids are to have as little to do with them as possible when they get the chance. My parents have made their bed, now they lie in it. They're never going to change, they are still trying their best to abuse and manipulate me and I'm 38. The difference now is that I have completely emotionally detached myself from them. I've also moved far away from them so they can't keep "just popping round". For my own sanity, this is the way it had to be. It sounds like your father is pushing very hard for that to be your only option too.

One extremely radical idea of my own, possibly terrible but here goes: you could get him to read my posts here so he can see the results of his "style" of parenting. That would give him one last chance to back the fuck up. If he still doesn't after that, there is no hope for him. You could say you've been discussing your problems, and copy/paste my posts without having to show him what you wrote.

Completely emotionally detaching myself would be the best thing that I could do, but for years and years every single decision that ran through my head would go something like this, “What will dad think?” “How’s he going to react?” Really looking at it, by using other people’s experiences to see my own, I’m definitely traumatized to shit, which doesn’t help with heart arrhythmia and then leads to horrible ulcerative colitis consequences. I’ll probably go to the doctor to explain everything that’s going on within a few days, and try to find help in some form or another.

I don’t think I could bring him here to see these posts. If he knew I was doing this, he’d automatically think he’s done nothing wrong in his life and everything that has happened is my fault, simply because I don’t believe the completely made-up invisible boogie man in the sky.

[Salacious B. Crumb]

It’s all good rhythm, no worries, my mistake. He doesn’t seem to be senile; he seems to have very radical views on everything, and seems the need to enforce them on everyone else. Also, he’s the most gullible motherfucker on the planet. He won’t believe his own family that pretty much never lies to him, but will believe a very well-known liar that doesn’t live with us, or believe anything he hears from anyone as long as it doesn’t completely contradict catholicism or FOX news.

And, regarding the boundary thing.. In my OP, you’ll see that I packed up a bag about 4 days ago, left the house, and have been completely ignoring him. Even him being a pure asshole, it’s still hurting me and making me a nervous wreck. I guess I feel I’m traveling into unchartered waters doing something so radical, and don’t know what lies ahead.

Fuckin rough, I did see that.  I guess the trick is going to be sticking to it, you seem like a pretty solid person, guilt is going to pull at your strings even if you know that what you did was the right thing for you.  It's tough to cut loose, no matter the reason.  Wish you luck.

Thanks dude! I'm trying to keep positive thoughts in my head throughout day, telling myself everything will be ok and things will get better, but that's not affecting my brain yet. It's still a little overactive and in the flight or fight mode.