Your opinions, please

[Thumpalumpacus]

So I've been in a rocky relationship for a while, we will call her Lindsey. A big reason for our difficulties has been my drinking (about a six-pack daily), so I stopped in October (coming up on two months sober, hard to believe). I've lied to her about my drinking in the past, the last time about six months ago. She's promised her support for my sobriety. Our relationship is currently not one of friends or of lovers -- it's in some curious in-between land.

In the few weeks after I quit, she twice falsely accused me of drinking. The first time I didn't say anything, because I knew that my own dishonesty in the past had sown the seeds for her mistrust. The second time we had some words, and left off the conversation in a little heat. I didn't bring it up thereafter because I didn't want to start what would inevitably be an argument. She never acknowledged my protests nor apologized, and specifically refused to do so.

But when I posted in social media about my making the one-month mark, she texted me her congratulations. I rejected her congratulations, writing her that her congratulations were hypocritical given her accusations.

It's been a sore spot between us since. She insists that I was entirely wrong for having refused her congratulations. She also thinks that in the week between her last false accusation and the texts which set off the argument, I should not have tried to avoided discussing the issue; she feels that I was being fake in that week. My attitude was "let's leave it behind us", until the congratulatory text, with its pretense.

I hold that congratulating me on my sobriety even as you hold to your charges of insobriety (which she did, she reiterated her charges in the argument that followed) is nonsense. If you are going to congratulate me, you'd ought to make note of your false accusation: "I guess I was wrong. Congrats on your month!" ... or something like that. To skip that step feels dishonest.

Would you please give me your opinions, as laid out in the poll above, and the reasoning why you feel the way you do?

[Chad32]

It kind of sounds like she wanted to break the relationship off, and was using the drinking as an excuse. So whether you quit or not, she was going to accuse you of still drinking to justify her leaving. I am glad you stopped, though. Six beers a day is a bit much.

[rexbeccarox]

I know I'm only getting one side of it, but you're my friend, not her, and you have my concern; she does not.

It sounds to me like you're fucked if you do and you're fucked if you don't. Life is too short to make really good steps in your life only to be met with derision and conflict by the person who says she wants to support you. Her actions speak a lot louder than her words here, and instead of being offended that you were unable to accept her congratulations, she should be asking why, and what she can do to make you feel more supported in the future.

I honestly think you should call it a day with this one and stop living with this kind of uncertainty. I know that's not what you asked, but I've only ever seen conflict when you speak of her. Your partner should be just that: your partner, and as far as I've seen, she's not even your friend.

[Edwardo Piet]

I don't know how bad she got with her full accusations, I don't know what she is like as a person, but I do know you're awesome.

I don't know the full context.

But based on what I've seen, personally, it looks to me like her false accusations were not unreasonable seen as you've been dishonest about your drinking in the past. Then maybe when she congratulated you she believed you at that point and felt bad for disbelieving you earlier, and I personally would have accepted her congratulations and only got pissed off with her if after that she continued to falsely accuse you.

But this is based on very little information and I barely know the girl. But based on what I've gathered I will be honest about what I think and vote accordingly.

I'm sorry thump, and I think a lot of you and this is why I'm not going to lie to you on this matter. I'll do just as you asked and vote accordingly.

[Thumpalumpacus]

I know I'm only getting one side of it, but you're my friend, not her, and you have my concern; she does not.

I've tried my level best to present the situation objectively. No doubt it is an imperfect effort.

I know that's not what you asked, but I've only ever seen conflict when you speak of her. Your partner should be just that: your partner, and as far as I've seen, she's not even your friend.

I just want to say that she makes me very happy in many ways, I just don't crow about it, you know? On the other hand, I do vent here, because it's a safe spot for me to do so.

I appreciate your advice, and the contributions of everyone so far. Thanks.

[TheRealJoeFish]

You lying about it in the past was "bad" but I get it.

Her mistrusting you repeatedly is "bad" but I get it.

Her being sort of passive aggressive with the possibly slantwise apology is "bad" but I get it.

You not accepting the apology was not necessarily bad but also not what I would have done but I get it.

I dunno. People are crazy fucking complex. And crazy, and fucking, and complex. It's like, I think of everything that's happened to me in my life, the sheer huge number of days that I've lived and the number of thoughts and sensations and interactions I've had on every single one of those days and, then I think to myself... every single one of those thousand people that I've seen today, driving their car or walking or on tv or anywhere else... they've all had that same magnitude of experiences and interactions and sensations and such.

What I mean to say is, people are so insanely deep that any time any two of them spend any kind of time together it gets messy. I don't know if it's good or bad. It's people.

Maybe the above is really deep or maybe it's really naive or both. But it's what I came up with off the cuff

[John V]

But based on what I've seen, personally, it looks to me like her false accusations were not unreasonable seen as you've been dishonest about your drinking in the past. Then maybe when she congratulated you she believed you at that point and felt bad for disbelieving you earlier, and I personally would have accepted her congratulations and only got pissed off with her if after that she continued to falsely accuse you.

^^This

[Catholic_Lady]

You're both right, and you're both wrong.

She should have apologized for the false accusation, but you should have given her the reassurance she needed and talked about it when she did accuse you.

[drfuzzy]

I'd like to second previous posts: you're not committed lovers, you don't have a term for the relationship, and it's been very rocky.  Maybe time to move on?

But from the perspective of someone who has studied the amazing differences and challenges of male/female communication styles, you were both acting exactly as expected.  You didn't want to discuss an uncomfortable subject, and hoped that it would go away.  Her distrust of your assertions was to be absolutely expected, and it exacerbated her female need to hear about every step and stumble on your path to sobriety.  Women want this, men absolutely do not.

For some reason, she accused you of behavior that had been commonplace. You were "innocent" of that behavior.  It may have been impossible to prove otherwise - you probably gave it your best effort.  

You may have even thought that rejecting her congratulations would prove that you were right and elicit an apology.  From her point of view, she was probably offering a type of apology for the previous fight by posting the congratulations on a discussion forum, which was more of a safe place for you than a face-to-face discussion.  (Or, she could have just wanted the forum participants to see her "standing by her man" - how would I know?)  So your rejection of her congratulations - yeah, that wasn't the best move.

The communication failed in this scenario.  Both were right, both were wrong.  I'm sure you can either find a way to patch things up, or break it off, in the best way possible.

[paulpablo]

Surely the argument is clear cut, you ask her does she believe you drank, or believe you were sober.
If she believes you were drunk id suggest asking her in a calm cool manner why would she congratulate you for what she believes you haven't done? It makes no logical sense.