Your opinions, please

[paulpablo]

Why does it matter who's right and who's wrong?
Each is right in their own eyes.

Thanks for your opinion, first off -- lot of insight in there, and it's much appreciated.

I'm the sort of guy who will ask if I'm being wrong about something. In this particular matter, our positions seem pretty intractable, and efforts at resolution run aground on each our convictions of rightness. I wanted to phrase it as a poll so I could get a quick glimpse of opinion, and also wanted well-thought answers -- and I've certainly gotten that. But collecting those opinions would have invoked "right" and "wrong" immediately.

Why does that matter? Because if I'm wrong in my behavior, I need to change it; and if I'm right, I need to stand up for myself. And the same can be said of her.

Thanks again for you answer, Poca.

I voted you being right but I'm still confused about a few things.
You did tell her about the logical contradiction between congratulating you on something after stating she doesn't believe you have done the thing she is congratulating you for?
Was the congratulations sarcastic? Is she simply just overlooking this contradiction?

[brewer]

Hey Thumpman.

I've had some personal experience with this. Quitting drinking/getting sober or even cutting down for someone else rarely works. That usually ends up creating a resentment. Who wants to be treated like a project, like they can be fixed? It used to make me think, great, what the hell will she want to change next, how I dress, what I eat, who my friends are, what I believe............? If you want to stop/cut down do it for yourself, not her.

So, now it comes to who is going to be the bigger person if you want this to work. Will it be you or her or (hopefully) both? Trust me, after having a long drinking/drugging/lying career it is hard for others to trust me with it comes to my addictive behavior. When I get called on it, it's not like the other person is being totally unreasonable. Kind of comes with the territory. My advice would be to not be so thin skinned. Accept that she had a valid (although incorrect) reason for doubting you and forgive her. If you want this to work, make the first move. Don't cave and be all passive. Just be honest and assertive with the apology, leave aggression on the outside. Tell her that you believe she was wrong also but you're willing to forget that. If it starts to get heated (some people just love to fight), stop and remove yourself from the situation. Try again at a later date.

I'd say the ball is in you court. Good luck on which ever decision you come to.

[Reforged]

The reason people drink is because their perception of their reality is too much to cope with so they want to change it. If you have your mind off drinking you will not drink because you're too busy living and having fun.
Shes just worried and she wants to help but the best way she can help is to come up with as many fun distractions as possible.
You don't need fake happiness if you have the real thing.

[Edwardo Piet]

I think there are several, or at least a few, reasons to drink.

Perhaps none of them are particularly good reasons, but still.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Thanks for your opinion, first off -- lot of insight in there, and it's much appreciated.

I'm the sort of guy who will ask if I'm being wrong about something. In this particular matter, our positions seem pretty intractable, and efforts at resolution run aground on each our convictions of rightness. I wanted to phrase it as a poll so I could get a quick glimpse of opinion, and also wanted well-thought answers -- and I've certainly gotten that. But collecting those opinions would have invoked "right" and "wrong" immediately.

Why does that matter? Because if I'm wrong in my behavior, I need to change it; and if I'm right, I need to stand up for myself. And the same can be said of her.

Thanks again for you answer, Poca.

I voted you being right but I'm still confused about a few things.
You did tell her about the logical contradiction between congratulating you on something after stating she doesn't believe you have done the thing she is congratulating you for?
Was the congratulations sarcastic? Is she simply just overlooking this contradiction?

Yes, I explained my view of the contradiction using exactly that word. I don't believe her congratulations were sarcasm at all; I'm sure, especially after further discussion, that she was sincere. She simply rejects my point. She has not at any time indicated that they were a subtle form of apology.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Hey Thumpman.

I've had some personal experience with this. Quitting drinking/getting sober or even cutting down for someone else rarely works. That usually ends up creating a resentment. Who wants to be treated like a project, like they can be fixed? It used to make me think, great, what the hell will she want to change next, how I dress, what I eat, who my friends are, what I believe............? If you want to stop/cut down do it for yourself, not her.

So, now it comes to who is going to be the bigger person if you want this to work. Will it be you or her or (hopefully) both? Trust me, after having a long drinking/drugging/lying career it is hard for others to trust me with it comes to my addictive behavior. When I get called on it, it's not like the other person is being totally unreasonable. Kind of comes with the territory. My advice would be to not be so thin skinned. Accept that she had a valid (although incorrect) reason for doubting you and forgive her. If you want this to work, make the first move. Don't cave and be all passive. Just be honest and assertive with the apology, leave aggression on the outside. Tell her that you believe she was wrong also but you're willing to forget that. If it starts to get heated (some people just love to fight), stop and remove yourself from the situation. Try again at a later date.

I'd say the ball is in you court. Good luck on which ever decision you come to.

I don't want to go into why I drank, mainly because I'm still working through that myself.

But I am not averse to admitting my wrongs and owning them. Perhaps in this instance the way I said what I did was flawed, but I won't disavow the sentiment.

[Whateverist]

Just for the record. If you two split off and we all are forced to choose one or the other of you as friends I'm still taking you.

[Thumpalumpacus]

I know that, bud. Just for the record, no opinion expressed here will begrudge me.

[Clueless Morgan]

Why does it matter who's right and who's wrong?
Each is right in their own eyes.

Thanks for your opinion, first off -- lot of insight in there, and it's much appreciated.

I'm the sort of guy who will ask if I'm being wrong about something. In this particular matter, our positions seem pretty intractable, and efforts at resolution run aground on each our convictions of rightness. I wanted to phrase it as a poll so I could get a quick glimpse of opinion, and also wanted well-thought answers -- and I've certainly gotten that.  But collecting those opinions would have invoked "right" and "wrong" immediately.

Why does that matter? Because if I'm wrong in my behavior, I need to change it; and if I'm right, I need to stand up for myself.  And the same can be said of her.

Thanks again for you answer, Poca.

I can see both sides of this and can sympathize with both of you.

This woman is clearly important enough to you that her opinion about your drinking habits hold sway, even if you recognize that changing this behavior is a net good for yourself as well.  I would say that if this a relationship you want to maintain that there probably needs to be some sort of heart-to-heart conversation.  She needs to air her grievances and why she thought you were lying (was it something specific or merely past history rearing it's ugly head?), and you need to express your frustration with her being, apparently, insincere in her congratulations.  No arguing, no back-and-forth, just take turns and say your piece.

With regards to recognizing that you need to change things when you're wrong, I would say that your initial handling of her accusations wasn't great.  By ignoring it or letting it go you may have been inadvertently stoking the fires of her skepticism - she may have seen it as you blowing her off.  If she makes another accusation in the future I would recommend trying to not get defensive immediately and instead ask her, in as non-confrontational a way as you can muster, why she is making the accusation, what behavior is triggering it and if there's something you can do to assure her of your honesty in the situation.  She may be reacting to old triggers you don't realize she's picking up on or she may simply be jaded because of the past.  In fact, if you have that heart-to-heart you can ask her why she accused you the previous two times and hopefully avoid accusations in the future.

I don't know if this is helpful at all but I would sincerely like to wish you the best, both with your lady and with your sobriety.

[Athene]

You're a really great guy, Thump. I hope things work out the way you need them to. 
If nothing else, know that you've got moxie when it comes to this love thing.
I admire that, quite a bit.