My mom is dying, going to need an ear.

[Sterben]

Went to the funeral home today. Mom had paid for a  plain black metal box for an urn. Didn't make sense to me considering she wanted her ashes spread, but who knows, she paid for it way back in 05. I ended up buying what is called spread box, since Bea and Nancy and John are going to spread her ashes with me in late May or June. Which although cardboard had a very pretty beach theme picture on it. Actually cost more than the metal box? But also got a 4 oz urn anyway because I am keeping that one in felt bag to hang in my van so she can go anywhere with me. Bought some platters from a local deli for the memorial and some flowers too. I do feel more calm about all this knowing I finally did something for her.

        Remembering her when she was happy and vibrant is going to be a key thing to remember. Don't feel like you finally did something good for her, I'm sure you did a lot for her while she was alive. You stayed out of prison right? If yes then you did a lot for her. While your driving along the highways and streets, you have her memory following along side you. if you ever need to talk, we will be here for you. Your more then welcome to PM me if you want to chat. If you want a more direct line of chat, I know a site that does not require any software downloads and the chat is by invite only. Just keep that as an option, if you ever need to talk. I'm trying to avoid the old typical greeting card cleshay, I hate when people use it in place of coming up with anything original of their own.

        If I have offended you in anyways I do apologizes in advance. My words were intended to attempt to comfort you. If anyone here wants the site it is (https://niltalk.com/).

[Pat Mustard]

I'm sorry I missed this Brian, sorry for your troubles. It is always hard when a close relative dies, especially in a case like yours when ye were supporting each other.

Remember the good times.

[WinterHold]

I'm very sorry, Brian.

It's not like we are immortal down here. The world is a cold place, to each their clock ticking, literally to all. Gotta make your wounds heal a little knowing that every one of us will feel the same; be in your shoes.

Time doesn't wait for anybody, life too. It just keeps moving.

Stay strong, Brian.

[Brian37]

I'm very sorry, Brian.

It's not like we are immortal down here. The world is a cold place, to each their clock ticking, literally to all. Gotta make your wounds heal a little knowing that every one of us will feel the same; be in your shoes.

Time doesn't wait for anybody, life too. It just keeps moving.

Stay strong, Brian.

We are not immortal anywhere. But yea, time waits for nobody. The end of the ride happens to loved ones and eventually us as individuals too. Stating it in those realistic terms to me is far more comforting at this time, than any religion or deity claim. Mom said to her friends in her final days that she was worried about me and being happy eventually after. It's hard and I don't think anyone ever gets over it, but if you want to honor someone you love, who wants you to be happy, you have to get to that point eventually.

Mom is no longer in pain, that is the most important thing to me. Being able to have a memorial for her is very comforting too.

[Brian37]

Solace In Pain, By Brian37

The hawk, the falcon
And the eagle
Spread their wings to glide
Looking for thermals to ease their flight

Above much higher epic proportion cotton
With slight grey underbelly 
Some mimic popcorn, others slivers 
Like slung paint of a Jackson Pollock

Calm day gives distance between them
They gently float by 
As if drifters in a tropical
Lagoon 

An iron bird dwarfed 
In their mist 
About to take cloak
Behind the white giants

Leaving it's mechanical fumes
As if we could defeat nature
And that tempest 
Always arises

And it continues
Without my mom
That tempest
Always gets life

As clever as the tempest is
In finding us
In gutting our breath
Parting us painfully

Mom is that lagoon
That thermal 
The hawk, the falcon
And eagle float on

[Brian37]

My friend John spent some time on Skype with me yesterday, that helped. He is coming to visit me in early June to help spread my mom's ashes. He is from Oklahoma. Just having people to talk to and posting in this thread is helping. But having him visit gives me something to look forward to.

[Brian37]

A Photograph, Watch And Urn, By Brian37

 
March 13
Amost 2 weeks out
Surreal,  not true
I don't want it to be
 
Picture this
A photograph of Reagan's erra
Mom and I
Her infectious smile
 
Old photograph
Of happiness
Never fades
In my mind
 
The watch on my wrist
Once her christmas gift
I look down at now
With bittersweet stare 
 
I cant look at too long
I cant look away
Either way
The void brings me pain
 
And all I have left
Is an urn
I want her smile
I want her laugh
 
I want the life
In that photograph
I want the smile
When I gave her the watch
 
But all I have left
Is the urn
It cannot call me
On the phone
 
To tell me she loves me
Or take her to shop
Her ashes cant
Laugh at my bad jokes
 
I gently touch the watch
But it does not respond
Like my mom
Full of life, is what I want
 
Almost two weeks out
It's still surreal
A photograph, a watch
All that's left is an urn
 
I talk to the photographs
Just the same
The don't respond
I desperately want them to
 
I talk to the urn
Neither does it
All that is left
Are mom's ashes
 
You cant have mom
Do you hear me time?
Do you understand
I know you don't care about my pain!
 
I have that photograph
I wear this watch
And although you left me
With an urn
 
DAMN YOU TIME
I have her still
All you did
Was take nature's toll
 
I am still here
Mom is still with me
No not in the urn
I carry more that that
 
Mom is in me
Mom is in my friends
Mom is all the positive
Things she has done
 
She is in
That photograph
She is the reason
I gave her that watch
 
I hate this surreal
Urn that is left
I want that life
In the watch and photographs
 
No even trade
No thank you time
I want her
Not this urn you perscribed 
 
Almost two weeks out
Quit reminding me time
That you wait for no one
Not even my mom
 
One more year
One more month
One more day
One more hour
 
One more hour
Please time please
Even one more minute 
Please time please
 
Please time please
Anything, anything 
Anthing time, anything
Besides this urn you left me with
 

[Brian37]

My mom is always great about listening to my on line debates, and knows who my "enemies" are, not that they are real enemies, but still. In any case I posted on another website about all this, and the guys I normally yell and cuss at there were kind and empathetic in this. No, not a surprise, but even as kind as their comments were, it hurts because by now I would have called her up and said "Hey mom, you know what these guys said".  I miss that so much.

Even the people we don't like in our lives have families, the people we disagree with and make us want to pull our hair out. But it will hurt anyone to lose a close family member. Those guys irritate the crap out of me, but it was bittersweet to read their comments in that thread. I cant tell my mom what they said.

[Brian37]

Another thing mounting on a endless list of things I am missing about mom. One thing my mom does is see a commercial on TV and cant understand the meaning of it, and or, because of our quick edit fast paced media, will call me up and say "I saw this what did it mean?" or "What does this person say in the add".

Just before I posted this, an add for a lawyer came on, that bugged her because one guy kept ending the spot with a line that goes by so quickly she didn't understand it. Finally one day before all this I was at the nursing home after a couple of weeks of her saying " did you see that add, did you?" I finally was able to see it on her room TV she excitedly said "This is it, this is the add, what does that guy say?" I was able to tell her the add was depicting a concept of a rival lawyer(actors) sitting in a board room afraid of the fact they were about to face the real lawyer in the add and one says "Them again".

She's done that with a Papa Johns add too, others as well over the years. It is her way of bonding with me letting me know she thinks I am smart. She is also the reason I started that thread about the new style college and pro football helmets with the weird hexagon shape above the face mask on the helmet. It is a new design to reduce concussions. She bugged me for weeks last year bugging me to figure out why that shape was there.

I miss that so much.

[Brian37]

"Notification", By Brian37

You take it for granted
That loved ones are there
You never want to envision 
A time they are not

Just now 
Watching a rerun
Of CHIPS
It hit close to home

This was no show
Not for me
But watching this episode
I now see

John got a call
From Sargent Getrear
While having lunch
At a taco stand

He was called to task
To give the bad news
That a wife lost her husband
In a car accident

While only a show
I far too well know
What it was like
In a real emergency room

To have a doctor
Give you the news
To watch my mother
Do what she chose

Sudden or terminal
It doesn't matter
I don't envy 
The messenger

I wish with all might
I'd wake up 
In the middle of the night
And find it was all a bad dream

Just an episode
Where at the end
Mom makes it through
Like she had in the past

Doctor or cop
Or family or friend
Nobody wants that call
Nobody wants that news

I wish it were
All a TV show
Where the hero wins
Everyone makes it home

My hero mom
Didn't survive
I don't envy the doctor
That gave her the news.