My mom is dying, going to need an ear.

[Brian37]

The Doors, By Brian37

In many a movie
The directors and grips
Use the illusion of angles
To draw you in

Remember that scene
When suddenly
The camera pulled back
Making the hallway long

Carolanne's  mother
At the other end
Horrified by 
How long the hallway had become

The doors multiplied 
The day my mom died
At the end of the hallway
I was outside myself

I'd seen it before
It is protocol 
To close the doors
Of the nursing home

When someone passes
They close the doors
On the hallway
As not to disturb

The hallway became
As long as a football field
All the closed doors
This time it was real

Those damned doors
Multiplied
Insensitive reminder
My mom has died

Like prison guards
Turning their back
Those damned doors
Empathy they lack

Time slowed down
While it sped up
Those closed doors
Don't give a damn

As I passed each one
I knew what was happening
Hoping a director
Would shout "CUT!" she'd wake up

[Brian37]

Had the memorial today. It went well. I was tired because my neighbors last night were pounding hammers till 10pm last night, couldn't sleep. Very tired when I got there, my cat wakes me up at 4:30 to 5 am so by 3pm when it started I was spent. My fucking cell phone rang during the priest talking, that was embarrassing. Didn't answer it of course, just hung it up. Got to the point where the priest asked anyone if they wanted to speak, was waiting for someone else to go first to be polite, but nobody did. Tried my best to do her justice. I hope I did. I told them all the cakes she baked me as a kid for my birthday, how she never let me down and was always there for me which is absolutely true. How she loved everyone there and how she enjoyed listening to everyone, having fun with everyone, and always asking how they were doing. 

Had tons of food left over, had no clue what to do with it. I gave some to my neighbors, and the flowers were beautiful but I suck at taking care of flowers so I gave those away too.

[GUBU]

Had the memorial today. It went well. I was tired because my neighbors last night were pounding hammers till 10pm last night, couldn't sleep. Very tired when I got there, my cat wakes me up at 4:30 to 5 am so by 3pm when it started I was spent. My fucking cell phone rang during the priest talking, that was embarrassing. Didn't answer it of course, just hung it up. Got to the point where the priest asked anyone if they wanted to speak, was waiting for someone else to go first to be polite, but nobody did. Tried my best to do her justice. I hope I did. I told them all the cakes she baked me as a kid for my birthday, how she never let me down and was always there for me which is absolutely true. How she loved everyone there and how she enjoyed listening to everyone, having fun with everyone, and always asking how they were doing. 

Had tons of food left over, had no clue what to do with it. I gave some to my neighbors, and the flowers were beautiful but I suck at taking care of flowers so I gave those away too.

I'm sure you did.

[Brian37]

Some recent events are helping me cope better.

Went to my mom's nursing home to pay her last bill, was met with lots of smiles from the staff and everyone asking me how I was doing. Now have a new Facebook friend and most likely will hang out with him in the future. He was my mom's occupational therapist. He used to live in the same city I did long before we knew each other, and hates right wingers as much as I do, although he believes himself. I'll be working on that.

And went to the bank to take care of mom's finances. The guy helping me turned out he was a fan of Neil Degrasse Tyson and watches Star Talk, knew who Sagan was. 

Still though, while I was at the nursing home outside talking to one of her former mates and her daughter, I found myself turning to the door to go in, in my mind I was on auto pilot wanting to go back to my mom's room, had to stop myself of course. I still get those feelings even at home, of the phone ringing wanting it to be her.

[Brian37]

Almost a month, and still, walking up to the gas station today, I keep expecting my mom to give me a sudden call wanting me to come over the next day. I still find funny things on line as well that when I see I still have an urge to call her up and tell her about the joke.

[Catholic_Lady]

Some recent events are helping me cope better.

Went to my mom's nursing home to pay her last bill, was met with lots of smiles from the staff and everyone asking me how I was doing. Now have a new Facebook friend and most likely will hang out with him in the future. He was my mom's occupational therapist. He used to live in the same city I did long before we knew each other, and hates right wingers as much as I do, although he believes himself. I'll be working on that.

And went to the bank to take care of mom's finances. The guy helping me turned out he was a fan of Neil Degrasse Tyson and watches Star Talk, knew who Sagan was. 

Still though, while I was at the nursing home outside talking to one of her former mates and her daughter, I found myself turning to the door to go in, in my mind I was on auto pilot wanting to go back to my mom's room, had to stop myself of course. I still get those feelings even at home, of the phone ringing wanting it to be her.

I'm glad there are people out there who are being kind and supportive. Sounds like you have handled/are handling this tragedy with grace. Your mother would have been very proud. <3

[Brian37]

Some recent events are helping me cope better.

Went to my mom's nursing home to pay her last bill, was met with lots of smiles from the staff and everyone asking me how I was doing. Now have a new Facebook friend and most likely will hang out with him in the future. He was my mom's occupational therapist. He used to live in the same city I did long before we knew each other, and hates right wingers as much as I do, although he believes himself. I'll be working on that.

And went to the bank to take care of mom's finances. The guy helping me turned out he was a fan of Neil Degrasse Tyson and watches Star Talk, knew who Sagan was. 

Still though, while I was at the nursing home outside talking to one of her former mates and her daughter, I found myself turning to the door to go in, in my mind I was on auto pilot wanting to go back to my mom's room, had to stop myself of course. I still get those feelings even at home, of the phone ringing wanting it to be her.

I'm glad there are people out there who are being kind and supportive. Sounds like you have handled/are handling this tragedy with grace. Your mother would have been very proud. <3

Thank you. One piece of advice, skip the word "tragedy". I get your intent, but that simply is not the right word to use. My mom's life was not a tragedy, it was a joy. Her dying was extremely emotionally  painful for me, but dying is not a "tragedy" it is an unfortunate part of nature, but a very natural part of nature. Pain is certainly involved, moreso for the person facing their mortality, but no "tragedy". A "tragedy" is something that could have been avoided, and since death is not something anyone can escape, it is natural event, all be it painful, but it is not a "tragedy". 

 "Grace"? Me, nope, even now I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. In all seriousness I do get your intent, and thank you for your kind words. I don't want to die slowly like she did, but if I were to get stuck in that same position, I only hope I can be as brave as she was.

[Brian37]

Still a bit surreal to me, one month now since mom died. Just missed the point of a joke in another thread, normally before all this, I would call her up, tell her the joke, and how I missed it at first. Man I miss that.

[Brian37]

While many can see I am coping better, it still hits me that I can't call my mom up, and that happened just now.

Yesterday or the day before I had posted my only favorite Country song, but had done so with this same song last year when I first heard it. "About To Find Out" by Margo Price, and just like last year, when I did that, just today again, had posted it and SHE liked my post. 

But this is where it hurts, when I am at home and have anything interesting, a debate, a joke or something like this, I cant call her  like I normally do, and that still hurts.

---

No Longer In Service, By Brian 37

I sit at my desk
On the internet
You in your apartment
Is the way it should be

I see something funny
Or something that interests me
News story, debate, a video
But it's too late

I cant call you
After an Ohio score
I cant call you
Tell you about a debate

It's too late
I cant call you
I desperately want to
It's too late

I cannot express my
Pleasure of Margo Price
"About To Find Out"
Country song I find nice

I cannot call you
For if I tried
"No longer in service"
Is what I would find

You cannot call me
To say I love you
I cannot call you
Two minutes later

After you hang up
To say the same
To make sure I said so
In case I forgot

No longer in service
Time has our number
I might not be able to call you
But I will always remember

[Brian37]

Tomorrow will mark 2 months. Still hard. Just now CBS Sunday Morning was on, one of my mom's favorite shows. The did a package(news biz for story) on Neil Degrasse Tyson, and damn it, wanted to call her because she knew how much I like him.