My mom is dying, going to need an ear.

[Brian37]

She was restless this morning, did smile a couple of times. They kept adjusting her pain meds, finally asleep. I really hate seeing her in pain. It is everything I can do not to scream right now.

[Whateverist]

Just found out. Be reminded how precious life is but so sorry you have lose such an important part of your own life.

[Brian37]

Everyone here is being extremely nice to me but the fucking god talk is making me want to scream. It is bad enough watching her in pain, or out because of the morphine not knowing if I will have another lucid moment with her. I simply don't need or want that god talk right now. I lost it an hour ago when the nurse said she didn't think my mom would have another lucid moment. One after another, "I'll pray for her/you". Thank your damned god for allowing her to suffer for days.

The only thing keeping me from going completely nuts is being able to vent here.

[pocaracas]

Which reminds me of... (I hope it's not in bad taste....)

[abaris]

She was restless this morning, did smile a couple of times. They kept adjusting her pain meds, finally asleep. I really hate seeing her in pain. It is everything I can do not to scream right now.

Yes, I feel you.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Everyone here is being extremely nice to me but the fucking god talk is making me want to scream. It is bad enough watching her in pain, or out because of the morphine not knowing if I will have another lucid moment with her. I simply don't need or want that god talk right now. I lost it an hour ago when the nurse said she didn't think my mom would have another lucid moment. One after another, "I'll pray for her/you". Thank your damned god for allowing her to suffer for days.

The only thing keeping me from going completely nuts is being able to vent here.

They're simply speaking in the only language they know, Brian. Keep in mind that their message, poorly worded though it might be, is that they are giving you empathy.

Look at the forest and not the trees.

[Brian37]

There has to be lots of truth to people being under and still hearing you. It was hell today. At first she was lucid when I came in not as talkative. But hospice help came in to give her a bath I went out to the store and at that point they had upped her morphine. She was out for the rest of the day. Totally limp and unresponsive. It is hell watching my mom's chest go down and seems like forever, only to slightly puff up. All I could do is talk to her but without the responses I felt desperate, especially with not having her grab my thumb tightly. But somehow she knew when I started talking about having to leave and watching Wheel Of Fortune with her she woke up somewhat knowing I was going to leave. She finally started grabbing my thumb again and even gave me a few smiles and a kiss.

It is hell, because I want to be there but don't want to be there both at the same time. I want to be there for that last smile but nobody wants to watch their loved one die either while cognitive or under. I don't even know if she will make it through the night. I don't know if it is worse being there while she is under or, now dreading the call being at home.

---

All that Hollywood crap about end of life and death, is just that, crap. It isn't glorious, it isn't something to put on a pedestal. It is ugly and frightening, and messy. Certainly nothing compared to the person having to face their own mortality and pain. But to those whom know that person, in my case my mom, who has been nothing but giving and supportive my entire life. To see such a mundane everyday event that has happened since the start of evolution hit this close to home, to the tune of 50 to 60 million times per year in all it's forms, to see what my rational side knows is a given, to see it happen to my mom, is still frightening.

Don't worship death as some magical sacrifice, value those real moments. If there is anything both theist and atheist alike should agree on, now is all we know we have.

[AFTT47]

You sound a lot like me Brian in that you can't escape the conclusion that death is the inevitable terminus of life but are having emotional issues in making peace with that. You are among the strictest of us atheists regarding rejecting anything unproven so you have virtually nothing to comfort you during this difficult time.

I can understand your frustration with religious platitudes coming from well-intentioned caregivers. I'll throw a few scientific tidbits your way which may be more to your liking if only in a limited way.

1. According to General Relativity, the past, present and future all exist. That means your mother doesn't really stop existing when she dies. It just means she doesn't exist in the slice of time you now inhabit. You don't have any capability to go back to a time where she is alive and lucid and that sucks but according to General Relativity, she is there, finger-wrestling with you and that slice of time will exist to the end of time. The conclusions of science are not as bleak as they are made out to be.

2. Our knowledge of physics is extremely limited. We don't have the tiniest idea of what conciseness is. There is a great deal of evidence telling us that it is generated by the brain but we don't have the tiniest clue as to how. We have a good enough understanding of electro-chemical reactions that we have built sophisticated technology around it. Solid-state electronics has been built around this since 1948. But we are utterly clueless as to how you go from there to "I think, therefor I am." That doesn't mean there is room for mindless faith but I think it does prop open the door for hope. Since we haven't a clue as to how electro-chemical reactions result in consciousness, we can't definitively say at this point that death of the brain = death of consciousness. Based on what we know now, it probably does mean that but people once thought a flat Earth was propped up on the back a turtle.

[Minimalist]

"I'll pray for her/you".

Idiots bleat that out when they can't think of anything useful to say, Brian.  They are trying to be kind and have no clue how to do it.  Ignore them and concentrate on the main issue.

Good luck, man.

[Brian37]

I am damned sure she stuck it out overnight just to see me this morning. Still aware that I am here managed to smile and is occasionally grabbing my hand. But the gurgling is horrible this morning. It seems what they were giving her for that has become ineffective now. She is so brave.