True Christian (TM) Answers Your Questions

[Crossless2.0]

I bought a swineherd to use when I cast out my wife's demons. It didn't work. My wife is still crazy as hell, and now I have pigs tearing up the house. What should I do?

[Minimalist]

I bought a swineherd to use when I cast out my wife's demons. It didn't work. My wife is still crazy as hell, and now I have pigs tearing up the house. What should I do?

Bacon!

[Crossless2.0]

I bought a swineherd to use when I cast out my wife's demons. It didn't work. My wife is still crazy as hell, and now I have pigs tearing up the house. What should I do?

Bacon!

It's not that simple. I stopped eating meat, my wife has become emotionally attached to the pigs (as I said, crazy as hell), and the swineherd worries that if his pigs are eaten he'll be out of work. That he is now my Biblically-sanctioned slave hasn't quite sunk in. Furthermore, he's a lazy, truculent bastard. I knew better than to buy a Gentile, but just try finding a Jewish swineherd.

Of course, it's all my fault. When I thought I was driving the demons out of my wife, I expected the pigs to plunge headlong over a cliff. But I live in Louisiana and the closest thing to a cliff near here is are the overpasses on I-10, so that didn't work. There was a ruckus at first that made me think the Jesus trick might be working, but all that happened is that most of the herd shat all over the place. Evil but not quite demonic.

[YahwehIsTheWay]

What were you doing with a naked boy in the garden?  Does this serve as an inspiration for today's catholick priests?

When all else fails, we can call that Satan trying to tempt us. 

He offered Jesus the kingdoms of the world, all visible from on top of a mountain, of course, which proves the world is flat and small enough to be viewed from a really tall mountain. No wonder the Lord seems so obsessed with such a small geographic area. 



But I digress. My point is if he was offered the kingdoms of the world, why not a hot night with a scantily clad twink? 

As happens with an often used sit com plot theme, the Romans intruded at the wrong moment to create the shockingly wrong impression.  





Future versions editions of the story were careful to edit that part out, lest anyone get the idea that Jesus was cheating on his male lover, John, the beloved disciple, that Jesus was gay or bisexual considering there was no small amount of romance implied between him and Mary Magdalane. 

GLORY!

---

Hey YITW. Praise jeebus I am christian again... oh wait it was just a bowel movement.

Holy shit.

---

QUESTION 1: Why do we need Jesus to be moral?

Because atheists have no basis for moral judgment. All you have are cultural conventions that are relative to the time, the people and the place. But the Lord's Word never changes and always applies. 

QUESTION 2: So why don't we follow the OT laws then?

Because that part of the Lord's Word in the Wholly Babble doesn't apply anymore. Those were just cultural conventions that related to the time, the people and the place of the ancient Hebrews. But the Lord changed that for us. 

GLORY! 

So bring your questions to me and I'll answer them as best as any True Christian ™ can. 

In advance, I may tell you "I'll have to pray on that" which most of you already know means I won't do anything.

 Bravo!

I can't argue with that logic. Looks like I'm going to have to convert back. Please pray on that for me.

---

Are Peeps considered one of the proper ways to celebrate your cuming?

I think you're confusing Easter with Christmas, when the Holy Spirit came upon Mary. 

Luke 1:35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, 

I bet that was messy.

---

Bacon!

It's not that simple. I stopped eating meat, my wife has become emotionally attached to the pigs (as I said, crazy as hell), and the swineherd worries that if his pigs are eaten he'll be out of work. That he is now my Biblically-sanctioned slave hasn't quite sunk in. Furthermore, he's a lazy, truculent bastard. I knew better than to buy a Gentile, but just try finding a Jewish swineherd.

Of course, it's all my fault. When I thought I was driving the demons out of my wife, I expected the pigs to plunge headlong over a cliff. But I live in Louisiana and the closest thing to a cliff near here is are the overpasses on I-10, so that didn't work. There was a ruckus at first that made me think the Jesus trick might be working, but all that happened is that most of the herd shat all over the place. Evil but not quite demonic.

Well, I can't add anything to that. 

---

QUESTION 1: Why do we need Jesus to be moral?

Because atheists have no basis for moral judgment. All you have are cultural conventions that are relative to the time, the people and the place. But the Lord's Word never changes and always applies. 

QUESTION 2: So why don't we follow the OT laws then?

Because that part of the Lord's Word in the Wholly Babble doesn't apply anymore. Those were just cultural conventions that related to the time, the people and the place of the ancient Hebrews. But the Lord changed that for us. 

GLORY! 

So bring your questions to me and I'll answer them as best as any True Christian ™ can. 

In advance, I may tell you "I'll have to pray on that" which most of you already know means I won't do anything.

 Bravo!

I can't argue with that logic. Looks like I'm going to have to convert back. Please pray on that for me.

It's been a while since I've been here. Pleased to meet you. I'm the resident True Christian ™ and known to Poe-n many an atheist.

---

...

Hey, YITW, is that Deist Paladin fellow for real?

He died tragically in the Bowling Green Massacre.

[Alex K]

@OP
Fig trees, are they asking for it?

[brewer]

Were you born circumcised or circumvented?

And how cum I never felt you transubstantiate in my mouth?

[Minimalist]

but just try finding a Jewish swineherd.

Done.




Easy as pie.

[Pat Mustard]

Hey, YITW, is that Deist Paladin fellow for real?

He died tragically in the Bowling Green Massacre.

[AceBoogie]

lol someone please tell me this dude is fucking with us

[Seraphina]

lol someone please tell me this dude is fucking with us

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