Please help?

[brewer]

I think CL nailed it, this guy sounds like a fixer. Fixers don't maker good listeners. They only catch about half of what's said, don't want to share in the emotion(s), cut you off before you're done and then offer the cure. When the cure isn't acted on or accepted they get frustrated and basically say "then why the hell did you tell me in the first place if you don't want my help". They don't get it that just listening can be help enough.

Try communicating with this person in writing and see if it works/helps. They may react better than a verbal conversation. Give them some time to process.

Um.......... guess who is also a fixer.

[Joods]

Vic,

I just want to give you a hug. I can't speak for your friend, but I agree with what CL said. Men tend to compartmentalize things and they want to fix things. When they can't, it can be frustrating for them. Hopefully this will work itself out. I know you said you weren't interested or planning on seeing a therapist, but even for a short while - a few months - having a person not emotionally invested in your life might be helpful. This sounds an awful lot like seasonal depression. This sort of thing happens a lot in the winter as many people become less active during colder months.

Also, keep in mind any events that have happened recently that were negative. Those things can still be having an impact on you, even if you don't realize it. My personal advice, for the time being, is to distance yourself from your friend. If you all are at a stagnant point in your friendship, perhaps taking a break for now, would be a good idea. Set up a boundary and ask that he respect that. If he is truly your friend, he will honor your request.

[Longhorn]

He is a fixer. But he is also only concerned about my feelings as far as they impact him, as I found out.

I have written and written and written and spoken and talked and to no avail. And I am distancing myself simply because I can’t deal with the situation. And he doesn’t get that either.

---

Vic,

I just want to give you a hug. I can't speak for your friend, but I agree with what CL said. Men tend to compartmentalize things and they want to fix things. When they can't, it can be frustrating for them. Hopefully this will work itself out. I know you said you weren't interested or planning on seeing a therapist, but even for a short while - a few months - having a person not emotionally invested in your life might be helpful. This sounds an awful lot like seasonal depression. This sort of thing happens a lot in the winter as many people become less active during colder months.

Also, keep in mind any events that have happened recently that were negative. Those things can still be having an impact on you, even if you don't realize it. My personal advice, for the time being, is to distance yourself from your friend. If you all are at a stagnant point in your friendship, perhaps taking a break for now, would be a good idea. Set up a boundary and ask that he respect that. If he is truly your friend, he will honor your request.

Hopefully he will. This is not season depression, I’m certain of that, or recent events. I’m a victim of childhood trauma going through a rocky way back to health.

Thank you all for your advice. Hopefully it’ll work out.

[SaStrike]

Is it even something that can be "fixed" by him? You said you're sad and things he is doing is contributing to your sadness, did you explain to him clearly and directly what the situation is? If you did and he still doesn't understand I'd say he intentionally doesn't want to understand (as in he actually understands but would be at an inconvenience to help). But, if it was a vague explanation of just sadness and just a hint that he is somehow involved like in the OP then you should understand his frustration.

[brewer]

He is a fixer. But he is also only concerned about my feelings as far as they impact him, as I found out.

I have written and written and written and spoken and talked and to no avail. And I am distancing myself simply because I can’t deal with the situation. And he doesn’t get that either.

Well, how about narcissistic or histrionic fixer then. They make poor friends.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Longhorn, I'm hesitant to give you my thoughts. Not because I don't want to help you, but because I don't know you well enough and definitely don't understand the situation fully.
I have to ask though: do you want to talk to him about all this?

I do. I talk to him. I've told him most of what I wrote, many times. I don't know what else I could possibly say to him.

I konw that sometimes I get frustrated listening to friends not because I don't want to listen, but because I want to "fix" the problem ... and they don't necessarily want that. They're not asking for advice, they just want to be heard. It may be that that is the source of his frustration, that he can't "fix" your problems.

If that is so, simply remind him that his ear is help enough. Let him know you appreciate his listening, too; and let him know that if it is too much to hear in one go that he can back out without repercussion.

[Brian37]

Longhorn, I'm hesitant to give you my thoughts. Not because I don't want to help you, but because I don't know you well enough and definitely don't understand the situation fully.
I have to ask though: do you want to talk to him about all this?

I do. I talk to him. I've told him most of what I wrote, many times. I don't know what else I could possibly say to him.

 I don't care if the relationship is just friends, co workers, family members or boss.

The goal of communication should be about talking, listening, and making the goal compromise and problem solving.


Nobody can tell you to stay or go in any relationship, ultimately that is always UP TO YOU, either way.

I would say you CAN look at it as cost / benefit. You are always going to have some ups and downs in any relationship. But you cannot force others to be like you, nor should you throw yourself at others and try to please them 100% of the time.

The truth is, all sides are entitled to be themselves, but neither side is entitled to bully, abuse or emotionally blackmail the other into submission. That only creates an unhealthy co dependent relationship, not one of equality or value.

AGAIN, nobody is telling you to stay or go in this particular relationship. All I am saying is you cannot control others, but you can control how you react. Most of all, your mental health should be a good guide as to the cost/ benefit aspect and what you are willing to tolerate and what is too much for you. BUT only you can control you.  It is ok to request, and talk, but if the other does not respond, it IS STILL up to you. You don't have to dictate in the relationship, but you also don't have to bend so much as to be a doormat.

THAT GOES with any relationship.