Random Humorous Things - A Light-Hearted Thread

[Cyberman]

Here's a couple more 'sexual' ones from Bloodninja, taken from Bash.org, the repository of IRC convos:

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http://www.bash.org/?104383
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

And as a bonus extra feature, here's some more favourites:

http://www.bash.org/?349567
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

http://www.bash.org/?261501
<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

http://www.bash.org/?171987
<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

http://www.bash.org/?125283
<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller..

http://www.bash.org/?262353
<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.
<goatboy> bastard

http://www.bash.org/?25464
<kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
<SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.
<SpaceRain> STUPID

http://www.bash.org/?9322
<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

http://www.bash.org/?8814
<Night-hen-gayle> I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

http://www.bash.org/?50891
<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

http://www.bash.org/?77904
<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

http://www.bash.org/?412248
<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

http://www.bash.org/?328464
SparTacus has joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko has joined #santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>I’m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r

http://www.bash.org/?120296
<link>once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
<hokage> *cries*, scary....

http://www.bash.org/?368808
<@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by now
<@Sony> ...........
<@Sony> TMI TMI TMI
<@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing
<Malpine> Thanks for the info
<@David> eh?
<@David> damn i meant PAID
<@David> I get PAID today
<@David> dammit

http://www.bash.org/?334762
<UKDJ|Planet> I swear to god
<UKDJ|Planet> I've just heard a duck tell a joke
<Jock> o...k
<UKDJ|Planet> there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
<UKDJ|Planet> one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
<UKDJ|Planet> then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
<UKDJ|Planet> it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

http://www.bash.org/?262417
<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

http://www.bash.org/?334331
<LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "Cocuments and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

http://www.bash.org/?136524
<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough.

http://www.bash.org/?329292
<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

http://www.bash.org/?365072
<xxxGirlygirlxxx> Thank you for listening to me.
<xxxGirlygirlxxx> You know your a really good listener.
<xxxGirlygirlxxx> Sweety please say something.
<Sandaedar> Ok I'm back.

http://www.bash.org/?583977
<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused

http://www.bash.org/?1730
<Mikkel> If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
<Celestya> i dont think so
<Mikkel> Wanna go camping?

http://www.bash.org/?367896
<Fashykekes> Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

http://www.bash.org/?268247
<glacial> I love school
<glacial> Today our term paper due date's set
<glacial> Our instructor says that we WILL hand in the paper on time, and she'll accept no excuses except illness, with a note from our doctor, or a death in the immediate family, with a note from the dead member.
<glacial> So this wiseass pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
<glacial> She waits for the laughs to die down and says:
<glacial> "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand"

http://www.bash.org/?217453
<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...

http://www.bash.org/?514353
<Insomniak`> Stupid fucking Google
<Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in your search
<Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in your search

http://www.bash.org/?202477
(Mootar) morons.
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer

http://www.bash.org/?348498
<MasterG> .....................................................................
..................................
<judas> where's pacman when you need him?

http://www.bash.org/?291262
<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense

http://www.bash.org/?424487
JstWnnaHveFuN08: do you think i should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Thilo: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
JstWnnaHveFuN08: lol thanks that cheered me up
Thilo: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.

http://www.bash.org/?203815
<Fooz> In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

http://www.bash.org/?143
<`BuM> why is it that, no matter how much you pee into the toilet it never fills up?

http://www.bash.org/?202
<DKMA> In seventh grade I was forced to take the SAT as this test thing,, long ago. I scored higher than the state average
<DKMA> I live in Texas though,, so it doesn't say much =)
<X15> there are ppl in texas?

http://www.bash.org/?236
<FyNXeR> Pardon my spelling... but I'm from Sweden
<sumbody> pardon my accent, i am from southeast asia
<DrMonkey> pardon my shotgun, i'm from west virginia

http://www.bash.org/?308
<`Kathy`> i want to go on rikki lake
<`Kathy`> but i need to become black first

http://www.bash.org/?400
<MadHatter> I cut my tongue shaving

http://www.bash.org/?519
<smcn> one of these days
<smcn> i'm going to hunt down and kill whoever invented emoticons
<smcn> then i'm going to look at him and go >=D

http://www.bash.org/?761
<Martes> I gotta stop sleeping nude with my window open
<Martes> no one exciting comes in anyway

http://www.bash.org/?1057
(MoLaUstEr) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

http://www.bash.org/?1134
<timmo> remember how i told you guys about that chick
<timmo> i was talking to in the record store
<McMoo> the imaginary one?

http://www.bash.org/?1331
<felix> that raid card is gonna saturate that machine
<felix> that's like giving a chihuahua a fire hydrant enema.

http://www.bash.org/?1346
* Sakura02 rips Brentai in half and stabs one half with the other half. >

http://www.bash.org/?1348
<Sharkey> Why is it whenever I hear the phrase 'Battered Women' I think of fried food?

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[Losty]

Ok I don't know why the pong one is so funny but it seriously cracks me up!

And this "Our instructor says that we WILL hand in the paper on time, and she'll accept no excuses except illness, with a note from our doctor, or a death in the immediate family, with a note from the dead member"
Somehow they go into a joke about sexual exhaustion and completely miss how funny this is!

[Cyberman]

I love the 'killing the inventor of emoticons' one. It takes a lot to actually get me to literally lol these days, but that one did it.

[Losty]

I literally lol all the time. Probably too much.

[Cyberman]

Laughter is always good. Especially in the bedroom.

As long as you're not pointing at the same time.

[CindysRain]

[ignoramus]

The world's most useless fact:
If a fly sits on the side of a ship, the ship will lean one fifth of the width of an atom.

The most useless part is that they don't specify what type of fly, what type of ship or which atom!

[StuW]

OMG I totally forgot about bash.org. I submitted loads on there back in the irc days.

[Little lunch]

That duck one cracked me up. I don't know why.
Also, the bishop must have been a rookie.

[StuW]

http://bash.org/?630243

<meeb> what the fuck
<meeb> highly religious client just rang up
<meeb> wants us to automatically take their website down at sunset on a friday until sunrise on a monday
<meeb> as using an online shop is bad and evil over the sabbath