I've never been married, and I've never had a relationship that lasted for more than a few months.  But one thing that has been consistent for me is hearing what people with successful relationships imply about relationships, which is that a good relationship doesn't look anything like our cultural narrative of relationships says it's supposed to.  

You can hear this in statements like "relationships take compromise" and "relationships are work" and "the attraction wears off after two years."  These statements indicate that these people's expectations were violated: they did not expect relationships to require compromise, the did not expect relationships to require work, and they expected that that the happy love chemicals would last forever.  

So why do people consistently have such unrealistic expectations?  Why do people continue to believe in such a romantic and idealized view of relationships in spite of abundant evidence to the contrary?

From these violated expectations, we can extract the cultural narrative of relationships: you meet someone, you "fall in love," you complete each other, and you live happily ever after without the need for compromise or work, and the happy love chemicals will last forever.  You will be "together forever."  

Of course, we all know that this narrative is wrong.  But most people still believe it and still live their lives as if it is true.  Why?  

I have a hypothesis, based on my recent acquaintance with Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death.   Becker speaks of the "Romantic Solution" to the problem of mortality.  We fear death and yearn for immortality, and so one popular "immortality project" is to find a romantic partner in hopes of finding salvation and redemption from death through eternal love with this partner.  But of course, when our mortal partner is unable to provide us with the immortality we yearn for, we become disillusioned and we decide we must have chosen the wrong partner, so we begin a new search for a romance that can save us from death.  

So this persistent cultural narrative that just won't die - the narrative that we meet someone and fall in love and live happily ever after - seems to me to be an immortality project, where people hope that they can achieve immortality and salvation from death through an idyllic relationship with a god/goddess-like romantic partner.  

What do you think? 

And if you think that this hypothesis is wrong, how do you explain the fact that most romantic relationships fall far short of people's expectations?

I think a good relationship is one in which the participants still like and respect one another after the two year mark and can laugh at however the reality stacks up against the anticipated. Saying yes to how life unfolds is more important that imposing any half-baked expectation.

(October 3, 2016 at 11:54 am)InquiringMind Wrote: From these violated expectations, we can extract the cultural narrative of relationships: you meet someone, you "fall in love," you complete each other, and you live happily ever after without the need for compromise or work, and the happy love chemicals will last forever.  You will be "together forever."  

That's the hope, yup.  Hope in one hand, shit in the other.  The cultural narrative of relationships is also a narrative of lovelessness, unfaithfulness, regret, remorse, loss, unhappiness, addiction, and terminus.  The narrative encompasses the breadth, our hopes only refer to the best case scenario from within that narrative.  

Quote:What do you think? 

And if you think that this hypothesis is wrong, how do you explain the fact that most romantic relationships fall far short of people's expectations?

Well, I don't know if the narrative is wrong, some people do get one or more (maybe all, IDK) of those things we hope for..thus their inclusion in the narrative.....so much as our hopes are unreasonably restricted to a narrow set of instances within it.  Then again, they;re hopes, do they have to be reasonable?  IDK.

Girl problems?

My wife and I have been married for more than 25 years. People change. The only question, is whether a couple decides if they will grow together or grow apart.

(October 3, 2016 at 2:12 pm)ChadWooters Wrote: My wife and I have been married for more than 25 years. People change. The only question, is whether a couple decides if they will grow together or grow apart.

If it isn't prying too much into your personal life, I wonder if your wife predates your xtian conversion from atheism or possibly even your original 'fall' from faith that preceded it?

Do that many people really continue to believe in such idealized notions of what a relationship is?

Our culture is big on marrying one person, and sticking with them for life. Despite that, if you get married in your twenties, that's 60-70 years together with someone you may have never made love with or even lived with before. I'm not sure why anyone would be so surprised that divorce is fairly popular in places where it's legal.

Okay so taking it from the other side of your never been married or in a relationship longer than a few months I have been married twice now. My first husband and I were together for 7 years and my husband now and I are in a nearly 5 year relationship. I literally haven't been without a significant other since I was 16 years old.

My first husband was agnostic and my current one is Catholic. I have been atheist since I was 14 so both relationships I went/going through godless.

I don't actually want to live for forever but when I say "I will love you for forever" or similar it means my forever, that is until I cease to be because once I'm dead my forever is over. The happily ever after is the same thing just not so dark. They say forever but really mean until I die. Now religious people, we have already determined, are scared of death which is why they normally hold onto their religion so yes their forever encompasses all of time but come on they aren't the best ones to be analyzing for scientific thinking. I just know that I'm not looking for a real forever with my husband I'm just trying to be happy while I have him.

Basically everyone just wants to die happy and with the person they love. That is happily ever after without the Disney aspect to it.

(October 3, 2016 at 5:16 pm)Whateverist Wrote:

(October 3, 2016 at 2:12 pm)ChadWooters Wrote: My wife and I have been married for more than 25 years. People change. The only question, is whether a couple decides if they will grow together or grow apart.

If it isn't prying too much into your personal life, I wonder if your wife predates your xtian conversion from atheism or possibly even your original 'fall' from faith that preceded it?

I was an atheist at the time we married.

(October 3, 2016 at 11:54 am)InquiringMind Wrote: So why do people consistently have such unrealistic expectations?  Why do people continue to believe in such a romantic and idealized view of relationships in spite of abundant evidence to the contrary?

Why do people still believe in angels? I don't know. Well, I guess I do, I just can't relate to those beliefs.

I didn't believe in that idealized view of relationships when I married my husband (close to nine years ago) and I haven't been disappointed. I expected we would have our fights and our times when we couldn't stand each other and we did. And I would say our relationship is better now than ever. Honesty, even if it's painful sometimes, is better than bullshit any day.