Two Months, By Brian37 

Pictures 
Of a lifetime
Voice message
All I have left

A box 
Full of ashes
Waiting to be deposited
In the ocean

The guilt creeps up
Though Hospice 
In it's literature
Said it was normal

All the "what ifs" 
Step in or step back
But you know
It was still her decision

Two months out
The urge to visit
The urge to call
Still there in it's futility

Two months out
Wanting to take her out
Two months out
Wanting to make her laugh

Two months out
Wanting to take her to shop
Two months out
Wanting to go to Brunch

Two months out
No more Thursday night
No more Thursday night 
Cards she plays with her friends

Two months out
The same remains for all
Two months out
It is the same end fall

Damn't it Lawrence Krauss
Michio Kaku too
Build that time machine
I want more time with you!

Bittersweet 3, By Brian37 

June is here
But you are not
3 months it's been
Since you've been gone

I still find
I reach for the phone
To call you up
To talk about anything

Tomorrow afternoon
I will pick up my friend
Though you only spoke to him
On the internet

It's my biggest regret
You and he never met
We will be spreading your ashes
This weekend

I severely miss
The way you teased
Always siding 
With my friends

Even with 
My X wife
You'd do the same
Both pile on

I admit mom
I am an easy tease
I miss those moments
I still have those memories

I will take 
My friend John
To the places we went
And your old home

To the steak place
We used to eat
To the dollar store
And he'll meet your friends


I could see it
I want so bad
For you to see us
Together at last

We'd sit at Sunny Side
You'd order eggs and toast
You and John
Would razz me most

I'd order my burger
But we'd have a problem
No three way football
On the table top

But that's ok
John and I will play
In memory of you
I know you'd smile

3 months 
To the day
A bittersweet weekend
You wont be here

16 years
Since John and I met
16 years
I begged and begged

For John 
And Bob too
My other friend
From Australia knew

I wanted them
Both to meet you
To sit together
In the same room

I wanted you mom
To smile and laugh
To side with them
Face to face

But now I am left
With your ashes
Time has no mercy
For my wishes

---

Puddle Jumper, By Brian37

A tiny airport
We'd pass all the time
You'd point out 
A miniature Red Barron

Only one wing
You loved the color scheme
Red and black
Fake machine gun

Thoughts of Snoopy
Flying it
You'd point it out
Every time we passed

I don't see the plane
You like so much
Owner knows not
How much it touched

How much we bonded
Over those simple things
My memories of you
Fly's on it's wings

I pass that airport
Now without you
Mini Red Barron
I still miss you

I have not read this thread until now but now I've read it all and been transfixed over the last few hours... it's incredibly moving. Your poetry is beautiful. It so captures everything about this experience that everyone does and will face. Generally I don't 'get' or like poetry but yours is so beautiful and meaningful. I'm so sorry for your loss Brian, and how hard it is for you to come to terms with. Your devotion to your mother was and is an inspiration. She was very lucky to have you for a son.

I lost all four of my grandparents relatively recently, and it was a stark reminder of the passage of time, and that loss is built in to the human experience. Then I find all my childhood heroes popstars and filmstars dying off one by one... another reminder that everything has its time and place and that is finite, and that part of life is coming to terms with that. Something which we all do (or try to do) in different ways. I just remember from time to time and it makes me sad when I do, but ultimately I know they live on in and through me and my memories. That's all I have left of two of my grandparents; their ashes were scattered... there's not even a headstone somewhere to visit, and their house was sold to developers of some kind who changed everything. It was basically as if they ceased to exist and all trace of them was removed, and that was hard to come to terms with. So all I have left is my memories, but in the end I know that's the only place they live on... as it is for you; your mother lives on in and through you and your memories, and everyone else who loved her.

Best wishes Brian, and I hope one day you can find peace with this.

(June 1, 2017 at 9:28 am)emjay Wrote: I have not read this thread until now but now I've read it all and been transfixed over the last few hours... it's incredibly moving. Your poetry is beautiful. It so captures everything about this experience that everyone does and will face. Generally I don't 'get' or like poetry but yours is so beautiful and meaningful. I'm so sorry for your loss Brian, and how hard it is for you to come to terms with. Your devotion to your mother was and is an inspiration. She was very lucky to have you for a son.

I lost all four of my grandparents relatively recently, and it was a stark reminder of the passage of time, and that loss is built in to the human experience. Then I find all my childhood heroes popstars and filmstars dying off one by one... another reminder that everything has its time and place and that is finite, and that part of life is coming to terms with that. Something which we all do (or try to do) in different ways. I just remember from time to time and it makes me sad when I do, but ultimately I know they live on in and through me and my memories. That's all I have left of two of my grandparents; their ashes were scattered... there's not even a headstone somewhere to visit, and their house was sold to developers of some kind who changed everything. It was basically as if they ceased to exist and all trace of them was removed, and that was hard to come to terms with.  So all I have left is my memories, but in the end I know that's the only place they live on... as it is for you; your mother lives on in and through you and your memories, and everyone else who loved her.

Best wishes Brian, and I hope one day you can find peace with this.

Thank you so much, you don't know how much that means to me. It makes it even more bittersweet because she won't read this. 

It is nothing you get over, but only learn to cope with. I am doing better now, but still have my moments.

Death of a loved one or friend, it does not matter how, it is something everyone eventually faces. It is never easy. My poetry is my way of coping.

(June 1, 2017 at 10:40 am)Brian37 Wrote:

(June 1, 2017 at 9:28 am)emjay Wrote: I have not read this thread until now but now I've read it all and been transfixed over the last few hours... it's incredibly moving. Your poetry is beautiful. It so captures everything about this experience that everyone does and will face. Generally I don't 'get' or like poetry but yours is so beautiful and meaningful. I'm so sorry for your loss Brian, and how hard it is for you to come to terms with. Your devotion to your mother was and is an inspiration. She was very lucky to have you for a son.

I lost all four of my grandparents relatively recently, and it was a stark reminder of the passage of time, and that loss is built in to the human experience. Then I find all my childhood heroes popstars and filmstars dying off one by one... another reminder that everything has its time and place and that is finite, and that part of life is coming to terms with that. Something which we all do (or try to do) in different ways. I just remember from time to time and it makes me sad when I do, but ultimately I know they live on in and through me and my memories. That's all I have left of two of my grandparents; their ashes were scattered... there's not even a headstone somewhere to visit, and their house was sold to developers of some kind who changed everything. It was basically as if they ceased to exist and all trace of them was removed, and that was hard to come to terms with.  So all I have left is my memories, but in the end I know that's the only place they live on... as it is for you; your mother lives on in and through you and your memories, and everyone else who loved her.

Best wishes Brian, and I hope one day you can find peace with this.

Thank you so much, you don't know how much that means to me. It makes it even more bittersweet because she won't read this. 

It is nothing you get over, but only learn to cope with. I am doing better now, but still have my moments.

Death of a loved one or friend, it does not matter how, it is something everyone eventually faces. It is never easy. My poetry is my way of coping.

You're welcome *hugs*

I'm by nature a very stoic person; I very rarely cry... not for any macho reason but because if I do cry it'll open up the floodgates and I might be overwhelmed by it and not be able to cope. So I try to 'let things go' or distance myself from them... but there's a fine line between letting go and repressing things. But in the case of profound loss, I think the only way to truly deal with it is to open those floodgates and let whatever's going to come out, come out... as you've done in this thread. I've done that a few times in my life... sometimes crying for days on end till I could cry no more, but not many, so I really admire your courage for that, and I can see that it's the right way to work through feelings to get to a better place. I know it's hard for you, and it would be for me as well, but I really think this thread is the best therapy through it you could have, and is clearly helping you work through it to a better place. It's the whole grieving process, through all of its stages, laid bare and is a lasting testament to how much you loved her and love her still. You said in one of your poems that words could never capture who she was or what she meant to you, but this thread as a whole starts to. It may only capture the tip of the iceberg but it is best eulogy you could ever give

(June 1, 2017 at 12:25 pm)emjay Wrote:

(June 1, 2017 at 10:40 am)Brian37 Wrote: Thank you so much, you don't know how much that means to me. It makes it even more bittersweet because she won't read this. 

It is nothing you get over, but only learn to cope with. I am doing better now, but still have my moments.

Death of a loved one or friend, it does not matter how, it is something everyone eventually faces. It is never easy. My poetry is my way of coping.

You're welcome *hugs*

I'm by nature a very stoic person; I very rarely cry... not for any macho reason but because if I do cry it'll open up the floodgates and I might be overwhelmed by it and not be able to cope. So I try to 'let things go' or distance myself from them... but there's a fine line between letting go and repressing things. But in the case of profound loss, I think the only way to truly deal with it is to open those floodgates and let whatever's going to come out, come out... as you've done in this thread. I've done that a few times in my life... sometimes crying for days on end till I could cry no more, but not many, so I really admire your courage for that, and I can see that it's the right way to work through feelings to get to a better place. I know it's hard for you, and it would be for me as well, but I really think this thread is the best therapy through it you could have, and is clearly helping you work through it to a better place. It's the whole grieving process, through all of its stages, laid bare and is a lasting testament to how much you loved her and love her still. You said in one of your poems that words could never capture who she was or what she meant to you, but this thread as a whole starts to. It may only capture the tip of the iceberg but it is best eulogy you could ever give

Don't admire me too much, I am still just as flawed as any other human and still have my own baggage.

I think my mom should be far more admired. She literally did more in her life than even some of her closest friends knew. But she was a teacher, and thousands of kids benefited from that in her career, and I cannot think of a more noble profession. I am simply happy most for her providing me the opportunity for decades to write my poetry, on any and all topics. I wouldn't have written everything I have if it had not been for her support. The poems for her are the least I can do to honor her. I can never repay her for everything she did for me, so this is my bittersweet thank you to her.

4 months out and no, you cant get over it, but you also have to survive mentally. I just was thinking about what my mom saved and left me and it amazes me. I have a bad back, and admittedly I have let my lawn go in my 10 years living here only having a push mower, and would only mow when it got horrible.  But I was able to buy a riding mower which is saving my back. Today after mowing my front lawn, even knowing she is nowhere now, I found myself thanking her, even if just in a memorial sense. 

My mom would also laugh if still alive, if I was able to tell her that my redneck friend John was poking fun of me because I now had farm equipment. Mom always sided with my friends, not out of spite, but in a silly jabbing sense. 

Thank you Mom! I'd still rather be stuck with my push mower, but you really are what the Author of Charlotte's Web had in mind.

I miss you!

4 Days Away, By Brian37 (AKA Brian James Rational Poet on FB and @Brianrrs37 on twitter).

To your birthday
But you wont be there
For us to
Celebrate

5 months since
Your conciousness 
Ceased to exist
Of this world you left


A painful aniversery
Without you here with me
To celebrate 
For us to go out and eat

You with your filet mignot
My with my giant ribeye
Neither of us finish
But always satisfied

I will take your freinds
To the same place instead
It wont be the same
It never will be again

5 months out
4 days away
From your birthday
Nobody wants it this way


I will miss
Getting your salad for you
Olives, cherry tomatos 
Only to warn you

To save some room
For your filet
Dont eat to much
For it is on it's way


I will miss our chatter
Of the days events
Talking about what goes on
At where you used to live

I will miss as much
Over the things I always fuss
Talk of my debates
Drinking tea while we wait

I will miss it when
We decide to go
The anticipation
Of our favorite place to go

5 months out
4 days away
From your birthday
Time took you from age

8 days away
From the pre season
We wont be making picks
Of the winners ever again


Desperately I wish not true
To be without you
To do those things again
I want to be with you

For my entire life
You've supported me
I'll love you forever Mom
Not want this end to be

I am an amputee
If only emotionally
Not having you here
To eat steak with me.

Holy irony Batman.

Sure many people know the saying, don't know who came up with it, but "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened." 

Just now on Twitter I noticed someone respond to my tweet, checked their profile, and that was the message in it. The irony is that several years ago my mom printed that out for me and for a long time I kept it in my van visor. Bittersweet today. Every first of the month will be for me. But August is worse because it is her birthday month on top of that. 

Mom was a trooper in everything. Every surgery she had, even her final decision to not do anything. Those final weeks even in her fog of pain medication, she always found a way for me to smile, if only for a minute.

She sounds like an amazing person. <3