Guy calls his boss at work, saying that he aches all over and feels really badly, and wants to take the day off. The boss told him that when he feels like that he asks his wife for sex, and always feels a lot better, afterward. The worker agreed to try it. He calls his boss later and says, "I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be in to work shortly. Also, you have a really nice house!".

Sex is like an Arizona rainstorm! Arrives with a lot of bravado. Lasts about 2 minutes. Leaves a little wet spot behind!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

(September 18, 2018 at 6:26 am)Brian37 Wrote: What exactly  is  "Aviv" and what do you Tel it?

It means 'The hill of peace', which is pretty funny, considering.

Boru

So I go to a restaurant for dinner. The young lady who came over to take our order had a name badge on.
Being friendly, I asked: Can I please have a steak, Diane.

So she brings me out a steak Diane! What's wrong with young people today? Why can't they follow simple instructions...

(September 22, 2018 at 6:55 pm)ignoramus Wrote: So I go to a restaurant for dinner. The young lady who came over to take our order had a name badge on.
Being friendly, I asked: Can I please have a steak, Diane.

So she brings me out a steak Diane! What's wrong with young people today? Why can't they follow simple instructions...

I wonder if this was the same restaurant where I was trapped in the men's room for nearly an hour.  There was a sign reading 'Employees Must Wash Hands'.  I waited and waited, but no employee came in to wash my hands.

Boru

(September 22, 2018 at 7:15 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote:

(September 22, 2018 at 6:55 pm)ignoramus Wrote: So I go to a restaurant for dinner. The young lady who came over to take our order had a name badge on.
Being friendly, I asked: Can I please have a steak, Diane.

So she brings me out a steak Diane! What's wrong with young people today? Why can't they follow simple instructions...

I wonder if this was the same restaurant where I was trapped in the men's room for nearly an hour.  There was a sign reading 'Employees Must Wash Hands'.  I waited and waited, but no employee came in to wash my hands.

Boru

I think I've been to the same restaurant.
The waiter was very self conscious and apologised for his weight.
The meals took a long time also.

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" 

Bruce came running in. 

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. 

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B." 

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" 

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on, "Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive!"

Quote:#1      

 
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".
 
 
 
#2
 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"       
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.       
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"



 
#3
 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?" the reporter asked.     
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."



#4
 
I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth , I 've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
 
 
#5
 
  I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 
#6
 
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.  
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"  
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
 
 
#7
 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

#8

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
 
 
#9
 
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
 
 
 
#10
 
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
 
 
 
#11
 
THE SENILITY PRAYER :   
 
Grant me the senility to forget the people   I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And The eyesight to tell the difference.

Old George was sitting in a bar and told the barman, "I'm 96 years old and I can still make love three times a night!"

Intrigued, Rachel, a 22 year old hotty from Sydney, walked over, "I couldn't help but overhear. Is it true?"

George smiled and replied, "Yes, it's true. But I have to sleep for half an hour between sex."

Rachel took George by the hand and took her to her hotel room. They stripped off and went to town. To her surprise it was the best sec Rachel had ever had.

Afterwards, George said, "I have to sleep now for half an hour. I want you to hold my balls with your right hand and my dick with your left hand while I sleep.

It was a strange request but Rachel did as he requested. Half an hour later George woke up, rolled her over, and gave her even better sex than the first time.

Again George told her he had to sleep for half an hour an and he wanted her to hold his balls with her right hand and his dick with her left. Again, Rachel did as she was instructed.

Half an hour later, George woke up and took Rachel in several different positions until she was exhausted and he finally blew his liad over her tits.

As they lay there afterwards Rachel said, "You were amazing. But tell me, does me holding your dick while you sleep help with your prowess?"

"No," replied George. "The last time I banged a chick from Sydney she stole my wallet!"