A man's elderly mum hasn't got long, so the doctor recommends that he give her a little brandy now and then.

'Wouldn't work,' says the man.  'Ma's White Ribbon, won't even allow spirits in the house.'

The doctor thinks a moment and says, 'Well, try this.  Put some brandy in her milk.  That should mask the taste.  I know it's a little deceitful, but it'll make her remaining time easier.'

The man agrees, and that very day, he adds a few drops of brandy to his mum's morning milk.  It seems to ease her a bit, so the next day, he adds a bit more, then a bit more the day after that.  He goes on increasing the amount of brandy in the milk day after day.  The dear old thing doesn't get well, but she seems happier and more at peace.

Eventually, the end draws near, and the old woman calls her son to her bedside and tells him, 'I haven't got long now, boy, and there's something I want you to do for me.'

'Anything, Ma, you know that.  What is it?'

'Whatever else you do after I'm gone, DON'T SELL THAT BLOODY COW!'

Boru

'I have never once paid for sex.  This has pissed of a LOT of prostitutes.' - Jimmy Carr

Boru

I hate those Russian nesting dolls.  They always seem so full of themselves.

Boru

What do you get if you mix a parallelogram with a strip o gram? I don't have an answer, but was just wondering.

(April 8, 2019 at 9:49 am)Brian37 Wrote: What do you get if you mix a parallelogram with a strip o gram? I don't have an answer, but was just wondering.

I'm not sure of the nomenclature, but twins are a common sexual fantasy.

Hammurabi of Babylon was short on cash after his years of war with the Assyrians.  His last great possession was The Star of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world.  The king approached a wealthy pawnbroker to arrange a loan with the gem as security.

After examining the stone, the pawnbroker offered the king 100 000 dinars.

'Are you mad?' thundered Hammurabi.  'I paid more than a million dinars for the star.  Do you not know who I am?  I am the KING!!'

'Sorry, your majesty.  But when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.'

Boru

(April 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Hammurabi of Babylon was short on cash after his years of war with the Assyrians.  His last great possession was The Star of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world.  The king approached a wealthy pawnbroker to arrange a loan with the gem as security.

After examining the stone, the pawnbroker offered the king 100 000 dinars.

'Are you mad?' thundered Hammurabi.  'I paid more than a million dinars for the star.  Do you not know who I am?  I am the KING!!'

'Sorry, your majesty.  But when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.'

Boru

You know I'm going to have to hunt you down now, right?

(April 12, 2019 at 5:02 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote:

(April 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Hammurabi of Babylon was short on cash after his years of war with the Assyrians.  His last great possession was The Star of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world.  The king approached a wealthy pawnbroker to arrange a loan with the gem as security.

After examining the stone, the pawnbroker offered the king 100 000 dinars.

'Are you mad?' thundered Hammurabi.  'I paid more than a million dinars for the star.  Do you not know who I am?  I am the KING!!'

'Sorry, your majesty.  But when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.'

Boru

You know I'm going to have to hunt you down now, right?

SCORE!!!!

Boru

Quote:A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

“What’s for dinner honey?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

Went to a costume party recently.

Guest: "What are you?"

Me, "I'm a harp."

Guest, "Your costume's too small to be a harp."

Me, "Are you calling me a lyre?"