At five years old, I found out that my grandad had a twin brother when he showed up at granddad’s funeral.

A fucking ‘heads up’ woulda been nice…

Boru

A man is shopping at the supermarket when his notices a woman with a little in the shopping trolley seat pass the cookie aisle.

Immediately, the little girl started screaming that she wanted a cookie. The woman pulled the cart away and the girl started crying.

"There, there, Monica. Only half the aisles to get through and we can sort this out."

A few minutes later, the man saw the woman at the candy aisle, and, again, the girl started yelling for candy.

Again, the mother turned the trolley away and the girl started crying.

"It's okay, Monica, only two more aisles to go and then we can get something to eat."

A few minutes later, the man encountered the pair at the checkout. And, this time, the girl was begging and crying for gum.

"Only a few minutes more in the checkout, Monica, and then it's home to a warm bed and you can have a nice nap."

Impressed, the man followed the woman into the carpark and told her how impressed he was with the mother's handling of young Monica. Especially how patient she was, and how she didn't even lose her temper.

"Oh, thank you," said the mother, "but my daughter's name is Tammy. I'm Monica."

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Donald Trump are all killed and go up to heaven.

They meet St Peter at the Pearly Gates and he says to them, "Since you are all politicians, and have therefore sinned, you will have to walk through the Swamp of Lies to see if you're worthy of getting into Heaven."

Since Angela Merkel is a go-getter, she decides to go first. So she walks into the swamp and, halfway through, she notices that the swamp water is halfway up to her knees.

"This is not too bad if it makes Europe a better place," she thinks.

Curious, she looks back to see how the others are doing and is shockef to see Putin about 10 metres behind her, the swamp water barely up to his knees.

"This is bullshit!" Merkel exclaims, "You're a corrupt dictator, responsible for the deaths of millions. You've invaded multiplecountries and have actively undermined many democracies!! How are you only that deep in the swamp??"

Putin smiles, "I'm riding Trump and he still hasn't noticed!"

If you can learn how to be a parent on the job, why can't I learn how to be a doctor on the job?

(June 23, 2024 at 10:55 pm)Foxaèr Wrote: If you can learn how to be a parent on the job, why can't I learn how to be a doctor on the job?

If you've ever wanted to cut someone's chest open, I can help with that...

What if I want to remove their spleen through their nasal cavity?

(June 24, 2024 at 11:00 am)no one Wrote: What if I want to remove their spleen through their nasal cavity?

Bring me an endoscope, a fluoroscope, four sets of handcuffs and a bucket, and I'll give it a shot.

And no, I didn't "forget" anesthesia.

(June 24, 2024 at 11:00 am)no one Wrote: What if I want to remove their spleen through their nasal cavity?

You get a really strong bellows, and shove it up their arse.

If you use the bellows properly, you can get more than just their spleen out through their nose...

A throwaway joke from the opening of a Python scene:

Hello Mrs. Premise!
Hello Mrs. Conclusion

What took you so long?

It took me four hours to bury the cat.

Four hours to bury a cat?

Yeah. It wouldn't stop moving.

A little lad told his nursery school teaches that he’d found a dead cat.

‘How do you know it was dead?’

‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.’

‘You did WHAT??’

‘You know - I leaned over and went “psst” and it didn’t move.’

Boru