Online dating truthers

[rexbeccarox]

I'm too skinny, but I'm currently living in a prefab retirement community in hot-hot Florida with my mom and stepdad who are attempting to fatten me up. SO sexy. Boobs? Don't got much of 'em, but I had a dream last night that a doctor giving me botox injections for my deep forehead wrinkles tried to feel me up, so I got future botox free so I wouldn't sue. Botox? Never got it, probably never would, so you're stuck with my wrinkles and paying for your own damn cosmetic stuff.

Got a shirtless selfie in the mirror on your ad? Go away.

Actually, everybody go away unless your name is Ivy, you love beer and bacon, and you have the most swag.

The REAL empress (Becca) ad:
I'm beautiful. My smile is genuine. I smile with my face, not just my lips, and that in return will make you smile, too. I'm thin, with curves, making me the sexiest hoolahooper in history. I walk with style. My voice is very cute, and it WILL make you want to cuddle. I love travel and I'm not just saying it. I can walk or ride a bike just about anywhere. I look stunning in a red dress. A conversation with me flows. I'm the fun one at a concert. I'm artsy. My hugs are so sweet and warm, they'll even make an awkward hugger beg for more. I have good taste in beer, and women.  

[Edwardo Piet]

That's adorable.

[robvalue]

I had two people who liked my online profile, including a recent photo, but decided I was entirely unattractive when they met me in person. Like, instantly. Their loss I say. Didn't even give me a chance. That's two separate people, in a row.

Third one went very well to begin with, definitely did find me attractive... then it all went incredibly weird and I don't to this day know what happened.

Fourth time lucky!

[CapnAwesome]

My name is Kevin, I'm a 33 years old. 6 feet tall, 165 lbs. I'm skinny, fit, exercise constantly and yet don't have abs. I do have a hairy stomach that I can shave into the shape of abs if I wanted to. I call that the '6 patch.' I don't comb my hair, haven't for years. I just shave it at the first sign of a dreadlock, which happens quickly with my curly fro. If you choose to respond to this ad and end up dating me, I'll probably ask you to cut my hair. It's not a big deal, I'm not very picky about it.

At the age of 33 I live in a 1990 Toyota Dolphin RV, which is a step up for me in life. I think that it is awesome. I'm making the inside castle themed. I have 0 fiscal ambition in life. I smoke marijuana everyday. I work a very limited amount in the year and I rock climb the rest of it. I like to travel, if you don't like to travel, camp, this probably won't work out. It probably also won't work out if you stay in hotels when traveling, or go out to eat this probably won't work out. I'm an excellent cook. My ambitions in life all involve going to exotic places and climbing rocks. It doesn't really make any sense to me either. I like to talk a lot, but don't relate very well to most people. I'm arrogant and condescending and have an overly high opinion of myself. In fact my online handle is Captain Awesome. That should give you some idea. Also despite being Jewish on my mothers side, I am not circumcised.

I'm also somewhat of a nerd. I spend a lot of time online doing nothing and sometimes am a dungeon master for a D&D group when I can put one together. I've read Game of Thrones twice and like to note the differences between the show and the books to people who don't care.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Actually, everybody go away unless your name is Ivy, you love beer and bacon, and you have the most swag.

I'm assed-out.

[J a c k]

Cap'n. I'm still jealous of you.
Can I be you, please? Afro included.

[Little lunch]

CapnAwesome, I like you a lot better now. :-)

[Whateverist]

CapnAwesome, I like you a lot better now. :-)

So it's a date?

[Little lunch]

I have a lot of respect for people who don't give a fuck about money and just live their dreams.
It's not my dream though. :-)

[Homeless Nutter]

I'm a short, out-of-shape, ageing man-child, with a large head and thinning hair, that's quickly turning white, even though I'm not even 40 yet. I'm missing a bunch of teeth, because of bad oral hygiene, sugar-based diet, skating and being a mouthy c*nt, who's not very good at fighting. I'm also poor, awkward in social situations, prone to addiction, self-centered, cynical and a failure at everything. In short - not as much "marriage material", as "suicide pact material"...

I'm looking for a young, rich, smart and charismatic stunner, with a heart of gold, because I heard, that opposites attract...