Your friend tells you they're a paedophile

[phoenixrose03]

If the paedophile has children or a family, I would definitely let someone know. Normally, I am a very open minded person..but I was molested by my uncle when I was a child and it has caused me problems my whole life emotionally and psychologically. So, I would do whatever it took to save another child from that pain. I couldn't help but look at that person with disgust no matter how long I've known them.

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[Sterben]

I agree. Using it in legal terms is just stupid. It's a psychological condition. Being attracted to your average 14 year old doesn't make you a paedophile, because they will generally be post-pubescent. In some countries the age of consent is lower, last I heard it was 12 in Holland.

We protect those under the age of 16/18 because of consent issues rather than anything else. They either won't understand what's happening, or if they do, they're likely to later regret it because they're not emotionally mature enough to make such a decision. They are also easier to manipulate by an unscrupulous adult.

So if someone is having a conversation, they need to be clear what the words mean. Just like a religious discussion. Definitions are important. Finding out you mean different things halfway through just wastes time.

What is the "correct" age of consent? There isn't one. Morality isn't a science. Personally, I think 16 is too young these days. 18 is more like it. People grow up slower now, in England at least. The age is more to protect people under that age from people over if; rather than to stop two people under that age doing things.

Side note: in England, I can have sex at 16 but I can't watch a video of someone having sex until I'm 18. Maybe we should change the law so that I can't watch a video of someone driving a car until I'm 19.

        That is the millionaire dollar question, is it up to the country's of the world, or if your in the U.S is it matter for the states to decide? The logical interpretation of pedophilia is a prepubescent of being. The law can not stop sexual relations between two 16 year old's, but anything involving them with a picture or a video is child porn. That has always confused me. You can't call a 16 year a child, that's a young adult. I guess it all depends on a persons individual idea of what a child is. It was not all that long ago that it was common for a father to take his son to whore house on his 16th birthday for his rite of passage into manhood.

      What about the whole virgin shaming concept as well. I'm sure us guys has heard this a million times or have known people who went to collage has virgin. It was a bad thing for a male to be virgin in collage right? Were taught that the V-card is a terrible burden to carry around and it's best to rid yourself of it early. So, then in the modern overly sensitive culture discussions such has this is something that is frowned upon. Why should we be uncomfortable with discussions about sexuality.

     So, my view of the word pedophilia is a prepubescent person, those people are fucking sick! But, if a friend came to me and said I slept with a friends 16 year old daughter, I would not use the term pedophile to him.

[Sterben]

If the paedophile has children or a family, I would definitely let someone know. Normally, I am a very open minded person..but I was molested by my uncle when I was a child and it has caused me problems my whole life emotionally and psychologically. So, I would do whatever it took to save another child from that pain. I couldn't help but look at that person with disgust no matter how long I've known them.

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       It's a terrible thing, I've known people with similar stories. A former friend of mine was raped when she was 14 by her father.

[robvalue]

I understand the desire to warn the family.

As a thought experiment, let's think it through. How would it play out?

You're Johnny's friend, and he confides in you he's a paedophile, as per the OP. He has kids. You're as certain as you can be that he hasn't harmed them, and doesn't intend to. (If you're personally unable to ever believe such a thing, then this post won't apply to you.) When he's out, you go see his wife and tell her. We'll assume she doesn't know already. There seems to be three likely scenarios:

(1) She believes you, and tries to leave him, taking the kids away with her.
(2) She believes you, but sticks by him and tries to get him help, while taking measures to safeguard the kids.
(3) She doesn't believe you, but it may leave a seed of doubt which could affect their relationship.

Whatever happens in this situation, your friendship with Johnny is probably over, he feels betrayed, and has one less really good friend for support. Perhaps he wanted to build up to telling her himself; perhaps not. Maybe if he did plan to, it would make you more inclined to support him in secret until then?

It's all going to vary wildly depending on the situation of course. There is no wrong or right way to do things. But I wonder what is likely to happen, and whether things have been made better or worse overall for having gone to his wife. This is just an invitation for discussion, to think through the reality of the situation.

[SofaKingHigh]

I would try to help as much as I could, I'd try my best to get them to some kind of counselling, but my child would be allowed nowhere near them and my friend would be told of this boundary and, if they overstepped...well, let's not go there.

All that said, I would also have a huge amount of respect for them. From what I understand, abusers have nearly always been abused themselves. If this person had the courage not to act on those impulses and confide in me, I'd have to admit that they're probably 10 times stronger than I could be.

My daughter would still be going nowhere near them though.

[Mechaghostman2]

Let's pretend you have a friend, and you're a parent. You've known this friend a long time. You trust them, and you believe they are a good person.

One day they confide in you that they are a paedophile. They have sexual urges towards young children. They say they haven't ever acted on them, nor do they intend to, and you believe they are sincere. They just want your understanding and support, and they ask that you keep this confidential.

How do you react? For example:

1) Do you keep it confidential?

a) No, tell as many people as possible
b) No, tell a select few
c) No, tell a select few but ask them to be sympathetic
d) Yes

2) Will you still be their friend?

a) No, cut all contact
b) Yes, but distance yourself
c) Yes

3) If yes to the above, will it change the contact you allow with your children?

a) Yes, cut all contact
b) Yes, only supervised contact
c) No

4) Will you support them?

a) No, don't want to hear anything about it
b) Yes, as long as they keep it vague
c) Yes, let them say whatever they need to

1. B
2. B
3. A
4. A

[ukatheist]

I understand the desire to warn the family.

As a thought experiment, let's think it through. How would it play out?

You're Johnny's friend, and he confides in you he's a paedophile, as per the OP. He has kids. You're as certain as you can be that he hasn't harmed them, and doesn't intend to. (If you're personally unable to ever believe such a thing, then this post won't apply to you.) When he's out, you go see his wife and tell her. We'll assume she doesn't know already. There seems to be three likely scenarios:

(1) She believes you, and tries to leave him, taking the kids away with her.
(2) She believes you, but sticks by him and tries to get him help, while taking measures to safeguard the kids.
(3) She doesn't believe you, but it may leave a seed of doubt which could affect their relationship.

Whatever happens in this situation, your friendship with Johnny is probably over, he feels betrayed, and has one less really good friend for support. Perhaps he wanted to build up to telling her himself; perhaps not. Maybe if he did plan to, it would make you more inclined to support him in secret until then?

It's all going to vary wildly depending on the situation of course. There is no wrong or right way to do things. But I wonder what is likely to happen, and whether things have been made better or worse overall for having gone to his wife. This is just an invitation for discussion, to think through the reality of the situation.

I think if someone confided in me that they were a paedophile, but hadn't acted on it, I would take that as a sign that they were having more than just casual thoughts about it and take it as a cry for help that they were struggling with their urges. In your scenario, I would insist that my friend tell his wife immediately, preferably with me present so I know he has done, and tell him that I would do so if he didn't. Even if I trusted my friend, I would feel morally obligated to put the safety of those kids above our friendship (particularly in view of my first sentence above, and would explain this to him).

I would assume that since my friend told me, he would be open to getting professional help, and try to work with him and his wife (if she stayed with him) to come to an arrangement regarding his kids, for example making sure that he is never alone with them or any other child (for his own sake as well as theirs). If my friend was not open to this I would view it as him putting the kids safety below his own sensibilities, and we would no longer be friends.

[robvalue]

That's an interesting approach. I can see the logic in that.

[robvalue]

I would try to help as much as I could, I'd try my best to get them to some kind of counselling, but my child would be allowed nowhere near them and my friend would be told of this boundary and, if they overstepped...well, let's not go there.

All that said, I would also have a huge amount of respect for them.  From what I understand, abusers have nearly always been abused themselves.  If this person had the courage not to act on those impulses and confide in me, I'd have to admit that they're probably 10 times stronger than I could be.

My daughter would still be going nowhere near them though.

That's a very well measured response, thank you.

[SofaKingHigh]

I would try to help as much as I could, I'd try my best to get them to some kind of counselling, but my child would be allowed nowhere near them and my friend would be told of this boundary and, if they overstepped...well, let's not go there.

All that said, I would also have a huge amount of respect for them.  From what I understand, abusers have nearly always been abused themselves.  If this person had the courage not to act on those impulses and confide in me, I'd have to admit that they're probably 10 times stronger than I could be.

My daughter would still be going nowhere near them though.

That's a very well measured response, thank you.

Has this actually happened to you Rob?