Posts: 46322
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
April 4, 2019 at 8:01 am
A man's elderly mum hasn't got long, so the doctor recommends that he give her a little brandy now and then.
'Wouldn't work,' says the man. 'Ma's White Ribbon, won't even allow spirits in the house.'
The doctor thinks a moment and says, 'Well, try this. Put some brandy in her milk. That should mask the taste. I know it's a little deceitful, but it'll make her remaining time easier.'
The man agrees, and that very day, he adds a few drops of brandy to his mum's morning milk. It seems to ease her a bit, so the next day, he adds a bit more, then a bit more the day after that. He goes on increasing the amount of brandy in the milk day after day. The dear old thing doesn't get well, but she seems happier and more at peace.
Eventually, the end draws near, and the old woman calls her son to her bedside and tells him, 'I haven't got long now, boy, and there's something I want you to do for me.'
'Anything, Ma, you know that. What is it?'
'Whatever else you do after I'm gone, DON'T SELL THAT BLOODY COW!'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 46322
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
April 4, 2019 at 9:34 am
'I have never once paid for sex. This has pissed of a LOT of prostitutes.' - Jimmy Carr
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 46322
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
April 6, 2019 at 6:05 am
I hate those Russian nesting dolls. They always seem so full of themselves.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 30726
Threads: 2123
Joined: May 24, 2012
Reputation:
71
RE: joke time
April 8, 2019 at 9:49 am
What do you get if you mix a parallelogram with a strip o gram? I don't have an answer, but was just wondering.
Posts: 1605
Threads: 0
Joined: October 2, 2018
Reputation:
11
RE: joke time
April 10, 2019 at 2:07 pm
(April 8, 2019 at 9:49 am)Brian37 Wrote: What do you get if you mix a parallelogram with a strip o gram? I don't have an answer, but was just wondering.
I'm not sure of the nomenclature, but twins are a common sexual fantasy.
Disappointing theists since 1968!
Posts: 46322
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
April 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm
Hammurabi of Babylon was short on cash after his years of war with the Assyrians. His last great possession was The Star of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world. The king approached a wealthy pawnbroker to arrange a loan with the gem as security.
After examining the stone, the pawnbroker offered the king 100 000 dinars.
'Are you mad?' thundered Hammurabi. 'I paid more than a million dinars for the star. Do you not know who I am? I am the KING!!'
'Sorry, your majesty. But when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 35311
Threads: 205
Joined: August 13, 2012
Reputation:
146
RE: joke time
April 12, 2019 at 5:02 pm
(April 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Hammurabi of Babylon was short on cash after his years of war with the Assyrians. His last great possession was The Star of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world. The king approached a wealthy pawnbroker to arrange a loan with the gem as security.
After examining the stone, the pawnbroker offered the king 100 000 dinars.
'Are you mad?' thundered Hammurabi. 'I paid more than a million dinars for the star. Do you not know who I am? I am the KING!!'
'Sorry, your majesty. But when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.'
Boru
You know I'm going to have to hunt you down now, right?
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
Posts: 46322
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
April 12, 2019 at 5:16 pm
(April 12, 2019 at 5:02 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote: (April 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Hammurabi of Babylon was short on cash after his years of war with the Assyrians. His last great possession was The Star of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world. The king approached a wealthy pawnbroker to arrange a loan with the gem as security.
After examining the stone, the pawnbroker offered the king 100 000 dinars.
'Are you mad?' thundered Hammurabi. 'I paid more than a million dinars for the star. Do you not know who I am? I am the KING!!'
'Sorry, your majesty. But when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.'
Boru
You know I'm going to have to hunt you down now, right?
SCORE!!!!
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 5813
Threads: 86
Joined: November 19, 2017
Reputation:
59
RE: joke time
April 17, 2019 at 12:38 am
(This post was last modified: April 17, 2019 at 12:39 am by vulcanlogician.)
Quote:A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
Posts: 35311
Threads: 205
Joined: August 13, 2012
Reputation:
146
RE: joke time
April 17, 2019 at 12:58 am
Went to a costume party recently.
Guest: "What are you?"
Me, "I'm a harp."
Guest, "Your costume's too small to be a harp."
Me, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
|
