joke time

[onlinebiker]

groan  

You say that, but I’m hearing nothing but applause.

Boru

Comedians call it Laugh Ears or just The Ears.....

[The Valkyrie]

I fell ill while staying at a small hotel in Madrid. I rang the front desk to see if they could recommend a local doctor. ‘Not necessary, sir,’ I was told. ‘We have a doctor on staff. He’ll be at your room in five minutes.’ 

Sure enough, the doctor arrived quickly and in just a few minutes diagnosed a minor stomach upset. He provided me with medication and instructions on how to take it, then assured me I’d be right as rain in a day or so.

As he was leaving, I expressed surprise that such a small hotel would have its own doctor. He said, ‘Yes, we hear that a lot, because…

---

…no one expects the Spanish inn physician.

---

Boru

[Darinda]

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Gandalf: ‘Sometimes we forget that even the smallest among us can achieve great things.’

Frodo: ‘Even Pippin?’

Gandalf: ‘No.’

Boru

[Darinda]

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim to the shore.

Back on land the Pope asks Jesus and Chuck Norris how they were both able to walk on the water.

Jesus replies with “Oh, I should have told you about the rocks which are close to the surface of the water”

Chuck Norris then asks “What rocks?”

[Fake Messiah]

If your girlfriend comes home wearing a white jump suit, smelling like honey and covered with bee stings, then you KNOW she's a keeper.

[The Valkyrie]

A couple is checking into a seedy hotel.

Man, "We'd like a room for the night."

Desk clerk, "Do you have any reservations?"

Her, "I'm not sure about taking it up the bum!"

[arewethereyet]

[Fake Messiah]

Scientists recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe.

[Darinda]

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says “you know Jesus it’s been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it”.

So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him “why don’t you try again it’s been a long time”. So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses “it’s been a long time since I’ve walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me”.

Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back up discouraged but Moses tells him it’s been a long time and to give it another go.

Jesus walks back out onto the waters and sinks again he comes back up and says “I know what the problem is last time I did this I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet”.