Genesis - The Prequel!

[Drich]

Genesis – The Prequel!
A Satirical Look at the Trinity Before Creation.
[WARNING: The following may have been divinely inspired… but God, I hope not.]

JC: Father?
GOD: Jesus Christ! Don’t sneak up on us like that!
JC: Us?
GOD: Yeah. Me and Casper.
JC: Who the hell is Casper?
GOD: That’s what the Holy Ghost wants us to call him now. Says we’ll get the joke in about 13.7 billion years.
JC: Here we go again with the Holy Ghost.
GOD: He’s real, I tell you.
JC: Well, I can’t see him.
GOD: Of course not! He’s a ghost for Christ’s sake! You just have to have faith that he exists.
JC: Faith? As in, belief with evidence?
GOD: Exactly!
JC: That’s just irrational.
GOD: He’s part of us.
JC: You’re talking about the Trinity again, aren’t you?
GOD: Me-damn straight I am! We are three distinct persons in one being, immutable and unalterable forever.
JC: Uh huh. I think You-I-We may suffer from multiple personality disorder.
GOD: What did you just call us?
JC: You-I-We.
GOD: Yahweh?
JC: Close enough.
GOD: I like it!
JC: So, if we always existed together, why am I your “son?”
GOD: Why not?
JC: Because it seems to me, if we always existed together and never existed apart, we’d be more like twin brothers.
GOD: Your just overthinking it. You don’t see Casper complaining, do you?
JC: I don’t see Casper at all! For all I know, he’s just a figment of your imagination!
GOD: Oh, right. Maybe all gods are just figments of someone’s imagination – ever think of that?
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GOD & JC [Together]: Nah!
GOD: What did you want, anyway?
JC: I’m bored.
GOD: Bored? Why don’t you go play with the Absolute Nothing?
JC: That’s just it, I can’t find it anywhere.
GOD: Well, it isn’t any “where,” is it? That’s because I haven’t created space yet.
JC: Then where do we exist?
GOD: In a supernatural realm outside of space and time.
JC: I hear the words, but I don’t know what that means.
GOD: I am that I am.
JC: Oh come on! You start saying that whenever your challenged or stumped.
GOD: I’m never stumped. Omniscient, you know.
JC: Right. Then tell me, how long have we both existed.
GOD: Don’t forget Casper.
JC: Fine. How long have all “three” of us existed?
GOD: We have always existed everywhere, eternally and forever.
JC: Aha! Gotcha! You just said we exist outside of space and time. But you can’t have “everywhere” without space, and you can’t have “always” or “eternally” or “forever” without time.
GOD: Well, I mean “space and time” in a qualitative, not quantitative sense.
JC: What the hell does that even mean?
GOD: I am that I am.
JC: Complete dodge of my question.
GOD: I’ve been thinking of creating a place called, The Universe, where time and space can actually exist.
JC: Hmm. How long have you been thinking of creating this universe?
GOD: I’ve never not had the thought of creating it, since I’m immutable and timeless.
JC: But, absent time, there can never be a moment where you thought of creating the universe prior to actually creating it.
GOD: So?
JC: So! Without time, which at a minimum measures a sequential series of causal events, the instant you conceived of creating the universe would be the same instant the universe was created.
GOD: And?
JC: And, therefore, the universe would have always existed eternally, just like you!
GOD: What’s your point to all this?
JC: I’ll try to make this simple: Either you are subject to some form of time yourself where you can first A) consider creating this universe, which later causes B) the actual act of creation, OR everything gets stacked together in the same instant that space, time, energy, matter – all that will comprise The Universe – is created, in which case you cannot have existed prior. And if you don’t exist prior, and you maintain that The Universe had a beginning, then you shared the same beginning and could not have been the cause of anything. That makes you superfluous and unnecessary.
GOD: Casper disagrees.
JC: On what basis?
GOD: He says we exist in “metaphysical time,” which I get to define as prior to physical time.
JC: And who created this metaphysical time?
GOD: I am the creator of all things, so therefore I must have.
JC: When?
GOD: At some point before metaphysical time existed, obviously.
JC: Let me guess, super-metaphysical time?
GOD: Casper is laughing at you.
JC: Oh, that’s mature. If you can’t form a valid argument for how events will come about in a “timeless” manner prior to the creation of time itself, then I suppose scoffing is the only recourse left to handling your cognitive dissonance.
GOD: But if an actual infinite temporal regress of events cannot exist, I must be both timeless and eternal!
JC: You are just trying to define yourself in such a way to avoid one paradox, while plunging head first into another.
GOD: I am that I am.
JC: Oh, brother.
GOD: Father!
JC: This is all just special pleading in an attempt to avoid inevitable logical inconsistencies.
GOD: And I will create minions within The Universe in my own image, according to our likeness.
JC: Changing subjects again? Fine. So, these minions of yours will be created to physically resemble us?
GOD: I didn’t say that.
JC: You just said they would be created in your own image and according to our likeness.
GOD: I may mean that metaphorically.
JC: Insufferable! Why can’t you just speak plainly?
GOD: Because then my minions would all agree as to my true nature and desires, finding no need to bicker amongst themselves. That would totally ruin my divine mystique. I want them to form many different religions divided into thousands of competing denominations, each supremely certain as to the validity of their particular faith while smugly deriding all others.  
JC: For what possible purpose?
GOD: For my amusement, of course! I’ll reward those that guess closest to my real meaning, whatever I end up deciding that will be. For now, Casper has his money on the Mormons, but I’m leaning Quaker – we’ll just have to see how I feel come Armageddon. Anyway, don’t worry… it’s all part of my mysterious plan.
JC: Which is?
GOD: I am that I am.
JC: I should have seen that one coming. So tell me, why can’t you just create your minions here, with us? Wherever this is. Or, wherever this isn’t, absent space and time.
GOD: The minions need to live on one-third of an infinitesimal speck inside a vast, finely-tuned universe designed specifically for them - though entirely hostile to them should they step off their super-tiny speck.
JC: Why not make the entire universe hospitable to them rather than just one super-tiny speck if the whole thing is being created for their benefit?
GOD: Where’s the fun in that?
JC: It seems quite wasteful. Exactly how big will this Universe of yours be?
GOD: Perhaps infinite.
JC: Wait! You just asserted that actual infinites couldn’t exist.
GOD: I’m omnipotent. Wouldn’t be very “all powerful” of me if I were limited to creating only finite Universes, would it?
JC: So you can create The Universe however you see fit?
GOD: Well… actually, no. Casper tells me there’s one and only one way to create The Universe in which my minions can survive. Has to be finely-tuned, don’t you know.
JC: Like following a pre-defined recipe which you have no freedom to deviate from if you want to create your desired outcome?
GOD: Something like that.
JC: The mere fact that you are limited to following this exact recipe in order to create a finely-tuned universe suggests this recipe itself is somehow fundamental, existing independent of you. Furthermore, if you cannot alter this pre-ordained recipe and still achieve your desired outcome, you are hardly “omnipotent.”
GOD: But I will create this universe out of the Absolute Nothing to demonstrate my omnipotence!
JC: Isn’t it paradoxical that this Absolute Nothing could ever even exist? Absent time and space, where did it exist? Nowhere. When did it exist? At no time. Perhaps something, no matter how primitive, always existed, and Absolute Nothing never could.
GOD: Like what?
JC: I don’t know, a quantum vacuum state maybe.
GOD: That’s absurd. Absolute Nothing exists, I tell you, and predates my creation of The Universe!
JC: Well, what about us? Aren’t we, as a three-in-one being, something? I mean, we have an “image” and a “likeness” according to your words. Those are properties of “something” surely. Our very existence would be proof that something has existed eternally, which necessarily would displace the Absolute Nothing.
GOD: I see your confusion. The Absolute Nothing exists in the “natural” realm prior to my creation of a “natural” universe. We exist in the “supernatural” metaphysical realm.
JC: That’s just so much word salad. Who created the “supernatural” realm in which we exist?
GOD: I did, of course.
JC: Where did you exist prior to its creation?
GOD: In a different supernatural realm.
JC: Turtles all the way down.
GOD: What was that?
JC: Never mind.
GOD: I will also create another possibly infinite realm which I shall call Heaven.
JC: There you go with infinities again. Where will this Heaven exist?
GOD: Well, Heaven can mean either the rest of The Universe beyond the minion’s speck, or a supernatural realm which I inhabit.
JC: I’d think you could use different terms to clarify things a bit.
GOD: Divine mystique, remember? Heaven is where I will favor the minions that survive my many trials and abuses on the infinitesimal speck. I will allow these chosen few to genuflect in my presence for all eternity as a reward.
JC: That’s a reward? What about those you don’t like?
GOD: I’ll create yet another supernatural realm which I will call Hell, to torment those I disfavor –  though I won’t torture them directly; that would be evil. Instead, I’ll create evil incarnate in the form of The Devil and delegate the eternal torment to him, allowing me to wash my hands of the entire affair and still be considered “All Good.”
JC: Couldn’t you just forgive these minions any transgressions, given that you are supposed to be “All Loving” and the one making them imperfect and fallible in the first place?  And certainly perpetuating their confusion by remaining hidden behind your “divine mystique” isn’t their fault.
GOD: Nope. No forgiveness! At least, not without a certain blood sacrifice first.
JC: Wait, why are you looking at me like that?
GOD: Oh, you’ll see.
JC: Creepy. So, let me get this straight: you’re envisioning several distinct, possibly infinite universes including The Universe, Heaven, and Hell, each separate and unique unto themselves?
GOD: Perhaps Purgatory and Limbo too!
JC: Kind of like a “multiverse” then.
GOD: NO! Don’t ever say that! It sends Casper into conniptions. We call them “separate realms.”
JC: What’s the difference?
GOD: A multiverse requires evidence to support its actual existence, whereas you can just take anyone’s word that these other supernatural realms exist.
JC: This sounds absolutely ludicrous.
GOD: Which part?
JC: All of it!
GOD: Well, do you have a more plausible way to explain how a three-in-one god could exist timelessly and create The Universe, Heaven, Hell, and all the rest out of Absolute Nothing?
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JC: I am that I am.
GOD: That’s what I thought.