RE: Jokes section ?
September 29, 2009 at 8:56 am
(This post was last modified: September 29, 2009 at 9:07 am by Overmars.)
Off topic, as usual. I'll get this thread back on track:
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
I was at church the other day and when the collection came around I put some Monopoly money in the basket. The priest said to me, "What are you doing? That's not real money!"
I replied, "Well, let's talk about this god of yours..."
I used to tell a lot of religious jokes. Not any more: they put me on the sects offenders register.
An atheist goes to church and sits through all the preaching and prayers, then the collection plates are passed round, everyone puts in a couple of pounds or the odd fiver, then the plates reach the atheist, who puts in a bit of paper, the priest takes the paper out and says ' is that all your willing to give to god? ' the atheist replies ' yes, it's a lottery ticket, if god knows and controls everything, he'll make it a winning one and I'll have given more to him than all you bastards .'
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
A woman whose daughter was hospitalized in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
If we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?
Anyone else find it funny that the disclaimer "The characters in this film are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental" is in the credits for 'The Passion of the Christ'?
Personally, it's not Allah I dislike, it's his fan club I can't stand.
It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.
Joseph: Do you have any rooms?
Innkeeper: No, we're full.
Joseph: Listen, my wife is pregnant....
Innkeeper: Hey, that's not my fault!
Joseph: It's not mine, either!
A prostitute has been found out and is just about to be stoned to death in the village square when Jesus shows up, waving his arms at them to stop.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," he says.
Suddenly there's a "wheeeeee, THUDD!!" and a large rock hits the prostitute on the head, splitting her head open and killing her instantly.
Jesus says, "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off!"
Enjoy.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
I was at church the other day and when the collection came around I put some Monopoly money in the basket. The priest said to me, "What are you doing? That's not real money!"
I replied, "Well, let's talk about this god of yours..."
I used to tell a lot of religious jokes. Not any more: they put me on the sects offenders register.
An atheist goes to church and sits through all the preaching and prayers, then the collection plates are passed round, everyone puts in a couple of pounds or the odd fiver, then the plates reach the atheist, who puts in a bit of paper, the priest takes the paper out and says ' is that all your willing to give to god? ' the atheist replies ' yes, it's a lottery ticket, if god knows and controls everything, he'll make it a winning one and I'll have given more to him than all you bastards .'
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
A woman whose daughter was hospitalized in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
If we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?
Anyone else find it funny that the disclaimer "The characters in this film are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental" is in the credits for 'The Passion of the Christ'?
Personally, it's not Allah I dislike, it's his fan club I can't stand.
It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.
Joseph: Do you have any rooms?
Innkeeper: No, we're full.
Joseph: Listen, my wife is pregnant....
Innkeeper: Hey, that's not my fault!
Joseph: It's not mine, either!
A prostitute has been found out and is just about to be stoned to death in the village square when Jesus shows up, waving his arms at them to stop.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," he says.
Suddenly there's a "wheeeeee, THUDD!!" and a large rock hits the prostitute on the head, splitting her head open and killing her instantly.
Jesus says, "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off!"
Enjoy.
Personally, it's not God I dislike, it's his fan club I can't stand.
