The rude jokes thread

[Brick-top]

If anyone if offended by these jokes I'm sorry.


A guy walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up sex doll. The owner says "Do you want a Christian one or a Muslim one?" The guy says "Whats the difference?" The owner looks back and says "The Muslim one blows herself up"


Load of guys at a bucking bronco contest. One guy manages to stay on for 10 minutes. His friends ask "How did you manage that?" He says, "Easy, my wifes epileptic"



A priest was seated next to Paddy on a plain. Paddy orders a rum and coke. The flight attendant asks the priest if he would like a drink. He replies in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips" Paddy hands back his drink and says "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice"

Your turn.

[StewartP]

A couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite, on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tosses his pants to his bride and says, "Here, put these on!"

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said. "That's right," said the husband, "And don't you forget it! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes."

[Tiberius]

Hehehe, great joke!

[Meatball]

Question: How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: "It's a trick question, everyone knows hippies only screw in dirty sleeping bags!"

*rimshot*

Also:

Mickey Mouse is in court for his divorce from Minnie. The judge says to Mickey, "You can't divorce your wife because you think she's very silly, that's not proper grounds."

Mickey responded, "I didn't say she was very silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

I love that one...

[StewartP]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[Eilonnwy]

Q:What's the number 1 pickup line in a gay bar?

A: Can I push up your stool?

[StewartP]

A Priest is out fishing one day when he suddenly has a tremendous bite and after a long fight he eventually lands a massive fish. The Priest not knowing much about fishing has no idea what species he has caught. A local fisherman sees the event unfold and rows over to the priest.

"Jesus Christ! That's a huge fucker!" says the fisherman. The shocked Priest replies "How dare you use the lord's name in vain and spout such profanities!" Thinking quickly the fisherman replies "Sorry father, didn't mean any disrespect, but the species of fish you have just caught there is called a 'fucker'".

The Priest is a little surprised by this but after many reassurances from the fisherman is convinced that the species is called a fucker. Upon arriving back at the church the Priest rather proudly takes the fish to show to the Archbishop and to get him to gut and skin the fish.

"Have a look at the fucker I have caught, Archbishop. Can you skin and gut this fucker for me?" Aghast the Archbishop responds "Never have I heard such language from a member of the clergy!"After many reassurances the Priest convinces the Archbishop that the species is infact called a fucker and the Archbishop skins and guts the fish.

The archbishop then gets an idea. "We should take this fucker to the Mother Superior so she can cook this fucker." So the Priest and the Archbishop take the fish to the Mother Superior. "Mother Superior," says the Priest "I have caught this fucker and the Archbishop has skinned and gutted this fucker, can you please cook this fucker?"

Again aghast the Mother Superior responds "Oh my Lord! Never have I thought that I would see the day when I would hear such language come from the mouths of members of this church!" Again after many reassurances the Priest and the Archbishop convince the Mother Superior that fucker is the name of the species. The Mother Superior having calmed down then remembers that the Pope is coming to the church for dinner that night. "Since you have caught this fucker, and you," turning towards the Archbishop "have skinned and gutted this fucker, I shall cook this fucker for the holiness the Pope for dinner tonight."

And so the Mother Superior cooks the fish and later that night serves the fish to the Pope. After the meal the Pope is utterly impressed by the fish and asks where it came from. "Well," says the Priest "I caught the fucker". The Archbishop then chimes in "And I skinned and gutted the fucker". Finally the Mother Superior says "And I cooked the fucker".

The Pope looks long and hard at the three. After a time he pulls out a pipe, lights it up, leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table looking utterly relaxed. "You know," says the Pope "You cunts are alright".

[Jason Jarred]

Q:What's the number 1 pickup line in a gay bar?

A: Can I push up your stool?

Nobody ever said that to me before

[StewartP]

SARCASTIC REMARKS TO GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay cheque.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[Brick-top]

How do you stop your girlfriend from giving you a blowjob?

Marry her