Jokes

[UnFaithful]

Anyone know any good jokes, religion based or otherwise?

[Edwardo Piet]

Here's one Ross Noble tells (that's a joke he says how he actually had to tell to a real customs officer, because they were so insistent) on his Fizzylogic tour DVD, (unrelated to religion):

Ross Noble: "How many customs officers does it take to change a light bulb?"

Customs Officer: "I don't know. How many customs officers does it take to change a light bulb?"

Ross Noble "I don't know either. But it must be difficult to change light bulbs when you've got your hand up someone's arse."

Lol. I can't think of any other 'jokes' right now lol.

[UnFaithful]

Nice

[Samson]

I got a great Religious joke for you....

"A Christian who takes the Bible Literally word for word"..........

Now, that's a joke.....

[Dotard]

Jesus, Moses and I were out on the lake in a row-boat fishing the other day and the conversation was about their past miracles.

"So many thousand years ago," I said, "do you two still have what it takes?"

Moses jumps up, throws his arms apart and the lake parted. Smiling smugly, he sits back down as the waters came back together. "Ha! I still got it!" he says.

Jesus, not to be out done, stands up, steps out of the boat and promptly sinks like a rock.

Moses and I fish him out of the water and back into the boat as he's coughing and sputtering.

After Jesus catches his breath he looks at us and says....


"Ya know, this was a whole lot easier before I had these damned holes in my feet."



Barump-kish! (<--short drum roll and cymbal crash)

[leo-rcc]

Moses, Jesus and a bearded guy are on the golf course.

Moses swing his club, hits the ball and it heads right for the water hazard. Moses raises his arms, the water parts, Moses walks up and putts the ball on the green.

Jesus takes the next swing, the ball goes to the same water hazard, the ball stops half an inch above the water, Jesus walks up to the ball and puts it on the green.

The bearded guy takes the next swing, the ball slices terribly, bounces on the road besides the court, glares of the side of a truck bounces back into the court, a Frog that came out of the water hazard takes the ball in his beak, a Stork sees the frog and grabs it, and as it flies away the frog drops the ball, it bounces on the green, and rolls into the hole.

Moses then turns to Jesus and says: "I really hate playing golf with your dad".

[Overmars]

A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

[Mandi]

A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

= drunk man

[Meatball]

A favourite of mine...

Q: How many dirty hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It's a trick question, everybody knows hippies only screw in dirty sleeping bags!

[Kyuuketsuki]

My Elbow Really Hurts
A man complained to his friends " My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor".

His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you that you can do about it. It only costs $10."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow - Soak your arm in warm water - Avoid heavy labor - It will be better in 2 weeks".

The man was amazed! Later that evening while thinking about how incredible this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he started to get skeptical...he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
“Your tap water is too hard - Get a water softener.”
“Your dog has worms - Give him vitamins.”
“Your daughter's on drugs - Put her in rehab.”
“Your wife is pregnant - It ain't yours--get a lawyer.”
“And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

Kyu