Jokes section ?

[Dotard]

At the pub I hoisted my beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won me the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

I went home and told my wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

I said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dotard," Mary said.

The next day, we ran into one of my drinking buddies. The man chuckled leeringly and said to Mary, "Dotard won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Akward moment there.

---

Slow boring day. So what the heck.........

When Frodo was a cabbie, he picked up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the Frodo won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there is nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a Nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

Frodo the cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills Frodo's fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

When they get back on the road, Frodo breaks down and starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

---

Much to my surprise I found myself before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," I offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I ordered them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and stinkiest most tattooed biker and shoved his face; kicked his bike over; ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!'"

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"'Couple of minutes ago."