A World Made For Believers, Obviously By The Divine

[LivingNumbers6.626]

I sat in a drunken stupor
Without wonder 
But regret

I puffed that cigarette 
Like the four just before
Now my pack lies never more

Trapped in my head
Lost in thought
Regretting the incompetence I bought

Or perhaps it was bought
No earned
No...fate, fate bestowed me this gift

Trapped in a believers world
Rendered in the mess unfurled
And given like scraps for the believers to "fix"

So I'll let them fix me
Just like Galileo "allowed" it
But I hope my "fix" doesn't kill me

And if it does, let them read my work in the classrooms of the future
Just like Galileo
_________________________________________________________________________________

Just a free thought/free verse poem to assist my untimely "soul" to rest. 

I have no job, no wife, and no money anymore. I'm sorry. I feel like I just come on here to sulk like a little b*tch but this is my only community to reach out to. 

I live with my family still but the back handed comments about my apostasy are killing me. The insult my every being. The comments regarding my failed college career, my bipolar/anger/depression/anxiety, my joblessness are all attributed to my apostacy. If only I had that mormon "gospel" and stayed within the fold then I would be squeaky clean of trial and tribulation. 

Probably not,  but it may end the resentment, comments, and the "look" of a father who has lost hope in a son but his only hope is that he will again be mormon some day. The game is...treat his son like a broken and lost tool and soon he will see the light and come back to the fold. 

This is a non-oral reality, but I see it and I hear it when other comments are made. Well okay then. Because I have no place to live, no job, and no money...I will play this game. In fact, I will beat them at it. I will be the prodigal son, and I will return as my respect for their beliefs and silence is not enough. I will convert. I will kiss the feet of my father and scream out to the Father in prayer like all the Sheep of the Shepherd. At least for now. At least until survival is no longer my life style. I'll be 22 years old next month for goodness sake!! I need a way to work back up the ladder again and homelessness is not an option so I will play this game. I will be Peter Priesthood yet again for a short time. Work through rebaptism, priesthood ordination, and whatever else until I get out of here. I've debated homelessness as a better option but my health will not permit such a direction. I do need insulin and I do need pills. I do need food and I do love my family. So I must do this until I am again self reliant to appease, shock, and hopefully "make my father proud". And once I am...I will walk away and never come back. My finances will be impeccable and my self care will be eternal. 

I will never again have to rely on the world of the believers and I will live a life of my own. Till then, my life? Riddled in subtle lies. If this does not work then group living may be the next step...God, make this work.  hahahahaha