Politically Incorrect Jokes

[Ben Davis]

...and a Politically Correct one:


Patient: Doctor, doctor! I feel [content removed due to patient confidentiality]

Doctor: Don't worry, just [content removed due to patient confidentiality]

[Cyberman]

I went to my doctor's today, as I thought I'd developed an allergy to my cat.

It's okay though; turns out I'm allergic to semen in general.

[Doubting Thomas]

What do fundie Christians consider foreplay?

Doing the dishes.

[AtheistCreed]

What is the difference between a miracle and a pornstar?

One never works around cameras.

[Cyberman]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold the cock... I mean, father... ladder!

[Minimalist]

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

[Cyberman]

There's a similar one of the same basic situation, only the crossword clue is a four-letter word for something found at the bottom of a parrot cage ending in 'it' - the answer being 'grit'.

Then there's this which my Dad swears actually happened when he worked as a builder. It was a five-letter word, '- o a - -', the clue being 'eggs on'. Someone suggested 'toast'. (The boring proper answer, of course, is 'goads'.)

[Minimalist]

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. His Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He had a special affection for sheep and green pastures

[Cyberman]

Melbourne ATC : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

SA511 : "Thank you Melbourne. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Melbourne ATC : "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

IA711 : "Thank you Melbourne. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L - Allah is Great."

SA511 : "MELBOURNE TOWER ! MELBOURNE TOWER !"

Melbourne ATC : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."

SA511 : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! PLEASE INSTRUCT!"

Melbourne ATC : "Roger. Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

[Doubting Thomas]

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and
tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not
going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and
Two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church: One, you're 49 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

---

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the
country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed... "Why I've been to
Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York ,
performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ...."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the
Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"