Divorce and the kids

[Angrboda]

So, in other words, the less fucked up the parents, the less fucked up the children will be. Who'd a thought?

[LastPoet]

I think its wrong for any of the parents to use children as leverage, or like I explained to my own parents, "using your son as the ball in a table tennis match". My parents got a nice deal with me

[NoraBrimstone]

What's best for her will be best for the kids, because they will grow up with a happier mother.

Wow! Talk about misogyny! Why do you assume that the mother always gets custody of the kids? Three houses down from me a mother lost custody of her kids to her ex-husband. The mother wasn't terrible, but she wasn't financially or emotionally stable. The ex-husband remarried and evidently convinced the judge that theirs would be a better home. By the way, one of the reasons she lost custody was that she made several unsubstantiated claims about his "horribleness."

What's best for the dad could equally be what's best for the kids. What's really "best for the kids" would be that both parents pull their head out of their asses and start acting like adults that have, and live up, to the basic expectations of a marriage.

WTF is this crap? I said mother because we're talking about the kids' mother here, not their father. Of course a happy dad = happy kids, too. But wtf does that have to do with Ivy and her current situation? Also, misogyny doesn't mean what you seem to think it does, mate.

And that last bit is just ridiculous. If a marriage isn't working out, the most sensible thing to do is get out of it, not stick with it and waste your life and set a bad example for your kids.

[Fruity]

I have some things to say, but I have a great day ahead of me so it will have to wait. All I will say for now is that we are keeping it cordial for the kids and we would not use the kids to fight. Also, I do not intend to speak badly about him to my children or in court. We are going for 50/50 since he is such a great dad. Some people need to understand that all cases are different and you can't apply the same system to everyone. I will get back to this.

And thank you all again. Means a lot.

[Jackalope]

I've spent twenty years working on my wife's distrust of men thanks to her parent's acrimonious split. Them two still...30+ years later, fight something horrible. So divorce can damage kids. I think the secret is to remain amicable, even if that cocksucker of a deadbeat deserves a crowbar to the skull. Kids are like sponges, so show them how proper adults can be, and they'll manage fine.

You're absolutely right.

My parents split when I was a teenager - and my dad wouldn't speak or otherwise communicate with my mother except through attorneys and in the form of child support checks (which he was diligent in staying current on).

Twenty years later, when my son was born, he buried the hatchet and they are now on friendly terms.

Unfortunately the damage had already been done.

I learned from that - my son's mother and I are still on friendly terms.

[Jackalope]

[Jackalope]

In my opinion,

If humans were ducks, we'd look at the ducks switching partners and we would laugh because we would see that there really isn't much difference from the previous duck to the next.
We're not so individually different that the vast majority of first marriages couldn't last, it is simply that we don't make it a priority in life to learn the skills of how to get along with one another and learn what makes each other tick in a relationship. If you fight with your husband or wife often enough to disturb the kids, then you aren't going to be any happier in the next relationship if you don't learn how to properly relate to someone. Furthermore, you won't be able to teach your kids about healthy relationships either.

Chronic fighting is already divorced, you just haven't moved out yet.

No argument with the above except one point - sometimes it's one partner who's being a shithead and won't change. What then?

I know someone who was trapped in a marriage like that - and I've seen and heard enough of how he treats her 8 years after they split up to believe every word of what she's told me. (Some of you may recall the thread where I related the story of having to escort the creep from her home at the end of a baseball bat. Same guy).

[Brakeman]

No argument with the above except one point - sometimes it's one partner who's being a shithead and won't change. What then?

I know someone who was trapped in a marriage like that - and I've seen and heard enough of how he treats her 8 years after they split up to believe every word of what she's told me. (Some of you may recall the thread where I related the story of having to escort the creep from her home at the end of a baseball bat. Same guy).

So in that case, do you believe that the creep was a perfectly good guy, but then BANG, with no warning he became a megalomaniatic jerk? Or was it more likely that the other spouse ignored the huge warning flags and alarms because the "victim" imagined the creep to have been something he wasn't. Then as soon as the frustration came from her side, she closed up emotionally from him and this set his insecurity alarm off, and he thus began trying to manipulate and attack her in order to react to a situation he doesn't understand and didn't have a proper response to?

But of course, a guy like that needs major help and couldn't be a suitable spouse at all.

[Jackalope]

No argument with the above except one point - sometimes it's one partner who's being a shithead and won't change. What then?

I know someone who was trapped in a marriage like that - and I've seen and heard enough of how he treats her 8 years after they split up to believe every word of what she's told me. (Some of you may recall the thread where I related the story of having to escort the creep from her home at the end of a baseball bat. Same guy).

So in that case, do you believe that the creep was a perfectly good guy, but then BANG, with no warning he became a megalomaniatic jerk? Or was it more likely that the other spouse ignored the huge warning flags and alarms because the "victim" imagined the creep to have been something he wasn't. Then as soon as the frustration came from her side, she closed up emotionally from him and this set his insecurity alarm off, and he thus began trying to manipulate and attack her in order to react to a situation he doesn't understand and didn't have a proper response to?

But of course, a guy like that needs major help and couldn't be a suitable spouse at all.

I have no doubt there was a great deal of wishful thinking on her part in the beginning. Beyond that I couldn't say. People exhibit bad judgment, and sometimes end up with children as a result.

The guy is pretty charming when he wants to be. In my unprofessional opinion, he's a sociopath.

[NoraBrimstone]

No argument with the above except one point - sometimes it's one partner who's being a shithead and won't change. What then?

I know someone who was trapped in a marriage like that - and I've seen and heard enough of how he treats her 8 years after they split up to believe every word of what she's told me. (Some of you may recall the thread where I related the story of having to escort the creep from her home at the end of a baseball bat. Same guy).

So in that case, do you believe that the creep was a perfectly good guy, but then BANG, with no warning he became a megalomaniatic jerk? Or was it more likely that the other spouse ignored the huge warning flags and alarms because the "victim" imagined the creep to have been something he wasn't. Then as soon as the frustration came from her side, she closed up emotionally from him and this set his insecurity alarm off, and he thus began trying to manipulate and attack her in order to react to a situation he doesn't understand and didn't have a proper response to?

But of course, a guy like that needs major help and couldn't be a suitable spouse at all.

I know the answer to your questions here. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.