joke time

[Kitan Etos]

[Fake Messiah]

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

[Darinda]

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Michael’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while having breakfast, they hear the radio announcer saying again : “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” So, Michael’s wife goes out and moves her car as requested.

The next week they were having breakfast again, when the radio announcer said: “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park……”, but then the electric power went out.

Michael’s wife got very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she asked: “Honey, what am I going to do? Which side of the street should I park now, so the plow can get through?”

With understanding in his voice, Michael said: “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I went to get a Tarot reading today.

The gypsy chick looked confused.

"I didn't know there was a Dumpster Fire card in a Tarot deck! But FOUR??"

[onlinebiker]

If you want to go to a really good psychic - make an appointment to see them and show up.

If they say you need to call to make an appointment, find another psychic.

[The Valkyrie]

A teacher says to her class one morning, "Today we're going to use the word contagious in a sentence. Who wants to go first?"

Jenny in the front row stand up and says, "My father said the new strain of 'flu is very contagious."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. "Next?"

Sally in the second row stands up and says, "I've heard that chicken pox is very contagious."

"Well done, Sally. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny in the back stands up and says, "Last week my dad and me went for a walk and we saw a little old man painting a really big house with a small paintbrush."

"And?" asked the teacher.

"And my dad said, 'that will take the old contagious!'"

This joke is stolen!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Sisyphus: ‘Whiskey.’

Bartender: ‘On the rocks?’

Sisyphus: ‘Mate, it’s been a long day and I am NOT in the mood.’

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Due to ongoing sanctions, Russia is attempting a large-scale switch from Windows to Linux. There appears to be a significant problem, though - no one can figure out how to throw a political opponent out of a fourth-floor Linux.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I’m thinking of re-naming myself for an Egyptian god. If I could do that, I’d be all Set.

Boru