joke time

[Rhondazvous]

A man joined a new church and showed up for his first day at choir practice. Upon arrival, however, he discovered there were several doors in the hallway and he had no idea which one led to the room where the choir practice was being held. As he walked from door to door, he came to one behind which someone was singing “Burden Down.” “Aha!” he thought and opened the door. He found himself in the bathroom, where a man stood washing his hands at the sink singing, “I feel better, so much better since I laid my burden down…”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

For her last birthday, I bought my missus a very expensive pair of shoes and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

Boru

[robvalue]

What noise does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew!

[Rhondazvous]

Higher Education in America:
first you get your BA — bullshit
Then you get your MS — more shit
Then you get your PhD — poled high and deep

[Rhondazvous]

A cowboy bought a horse, right. But this wasn’t just any old horse. This was a preacher’s horse. To make this horse move you had to say “Praise the Lord.” To make him stop you had to say “Hallelujah.”

So the cowboy gets up on the horse.
Cowboy: giddy up horse. Giddy up
Horse wouldn’t move.
Cowboy: I mean Praise the Lord.
Horse starts walking down the road. But presently they came upon a rattle snake and the horse got spooked and started running toward the edge of a cliff.
Cowboy: (Frantic) Whoa, horse! Whoa! I mean hallelujah, horse. Hallelujah!
Horse screeched to a stop, just that close from going over the edge of the cliff. Cowboy looked down —300 feet. That close.
Cowboy: Phew! Praise the Lord!

[Cyberman]

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

[ignoramus]

You made me read it twice!

[Rhondazvous]

I guess the Force just wasn't with you.
Wow, Michael Jackson just came on singing I Want You Back.

[Rhondazvous]

This guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she’d liked it.
Girlfriend: It was fun, but I don’t understand why they were all trying to kill each other over 25 cents.
Guy: What are you talking about?
Girlfriend: Well, when they were in the huddle and the coach threw up a coin and one team got it, then for the rest of the game everybody kept screaming, “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

[Rhondazvous]

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

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