Why was the Harpist kicked out of the orchestra?
The rest were tired of the complaining.
The rest were tired of the complaining.
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Current time: December 16, 2024, 12:59 am
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joke time
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A great white shark was showing his son how to hunt human swimmers.
"The first thing you do," says the father, "Is swim at them from the front with only your fin protruding from the water. At the last minute you dive under the water." He demonstrated this to his son on a pair of unlucky swimmers. "Then you circle them a couple of time, still with only your fin out of the water but circling closer each time. After that you come up from beneath them and enjoy your meal." Again, he demonstrated and this time they ate happily. After the meal the son asked, "That was great, Dad, but why do we do all of that before eating them? Why don't we just eat them straight away?" "Because, son," says the father patiently, they taste better with no shit in them."l Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???" 
Later, the son was out swimming with his dad when they saw a pair of scuba divers.
"Hey, Dad," the son said, "there's some humans with flippers! I'm gonna eat one! Wanna join me?" His dad said "No, I don't like them. The yellow things on the back make me fart."
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Scientific breakthrough. There's now a vitamin you can take to win more friends.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers. Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities. --Voltaire Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.  (May 17, 2017 at 7:20 pm)Rhondazvous Wrote: Scientific breakthrough. There's now a vitamin you can take to win more friends. That's note a joke, as much as good life advice. :wherethehellisthethumbsemoji?:
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
Me: Adam and Eve, king of the jews. Spell it with two letters and I'll give you my shoes.
Daughter: B.S. Ended up having to give her my shoes.
The whole tone of Church teaching in regard to woman is, to the last degree, contemptuous and degrading. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton
 RE: joke time
May 18, 2017 at 11:22 pm
(This post was last modified: May 18, 2017 at 11:22 pm by ignoramus.)
An oldie but a goodie...
A rich, dying man was on his deathbed and requested to be joined at his bedside by his vicar, his accountant and his lawyer. He told them that when he passes away he wanted to be buried with the rest of his money and gave them each $100,000. He asked them to throw the money on top of his coffin in the burial plot at his funeral. A few days later the man passed away and was buried within the week. At the wake, the three men were chatting and the vicar was suddenly overcome with guilt. He confessed to the other two that he had only thrown half of the money onto the coffin because the church needed urgent repairs to the roof. The accountant also confessed that he too had only thrown half the money into the coffin, as he was behind on his mortgage payments and needed some money to stop his house being repossessed. The lawyer jumped up and said to the other two, ‘I think that is a shameful act on both of you. I threw a check in for the full amount!”
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
Bigamy
Me, but taller.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Tin tin tin
How a Yorkshireman tells you it isn't in the tin.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
 RE: joke time
May 19, 2017 at 9:57 am
(This post was last modified: May 19, 2017 at 10:00 am by Brian37.)
(May 17, 2017 at 5:32 pm)Cyberman Wrote: Later, the son was out swimming with his dad when they saw a pair of scuba divers. A scuba diver decides to buy a used luxury car. DON'T GET AHEAD OF ME..... So he goes to the used car lot. The dealer asks him what he would like to look at. The scuba diver says, "Anything but a Mercedes".... Dealer asks, "Why don't you want a Mercedes?" The scuba diver responds, "I don't want to get the Benz" (May 17, 2017 at 7:20 pm)Rhondazvous Wrote: Scientific breakthrough. There's now a vitamin you can take to win more friends. Did you know that there is only 1 letter/number combo in BINGO that won't kill you? Yep, the only non lethal combo is B-9. The rest are malignant. |
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