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RE: joke time
February 8, 2018 at 5:55 pm
(February 8, 2018 at 3:11 pm)Divinity Wrote: Patient goes in for surgery, real nervous. He says to his surgeon "Doc, I'm really nervous about this. It's my first surgery."
Doc smiles at the patient, reassuring him. "Don't worry, it's my first surgery too."
Patient: "Have you performed many surgeries?"
Surgeon: "Oh yes. Hundreds!"
Patient: "That's a relief. I was worried I'd get a novice!"
Surgeon: "I'm no novice. I'm just not very good."
True story.
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
February 9, 2018 at 12:04 am
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.
What's the bad news? asked the hunter.
The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.
Well I guess that isn't too bad, the hunter replied. Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?
Not exactly. answered the doctor.
She's a flute player in the Ottawa Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
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RE: joke time
February 9, 2018 at 2:20 pm
(February 8, 2018 at 5:48 am)Rhondazvous Wrote: A man comes home from fishing with an old boot dangling off the end of his fishing rod.
Man: You should have seen the one that got away. It was a Gucci.
You can fix ignorance, you can't fix stupid.
Tinkety Tonk and down with the Nazis.
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RE: joke time
February 11, 2018 at 10:47 pm
It was a sweltering day in the old west when the Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into a small, dusty town.
They rode to the nearest saloon and tied up their horses. Before going in the Lone Ranger looked to Tonto and said, "It's too hot to leave the horses tied up in the sun, Tonto. So I want you to stay out here and run in circles around them. That will create a breeze and keep them cool."
"Yes, kemusabe (however it's spelled. Not many people know it means 'jackass' in Tonto's native language)", said a dejected Tonto.
So the Lone Ranger went into the saloon and ordered a drink. Then another, and another, soon forgetting about Tonto altogether.
Several hours later a rough stranger walked into the saloon, looked around and asked, " Who owns the white horse outside?"
The music stopped.
People looked around nervously.
Expecting trouble, the Lone Ranger looked up from the bar and said, "He's mine. What of it?"
The stranger smiled and said, "I just wanted to let you know. You left your injun running."
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
February 12, 2018 at 11:10 am
(February 9, 2018 at 12:04 am)Darinda Wrote: A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.
What's the bad news? asked the hunter.
The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.
Well I guess that isn't too bad, the hunter replied. Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?
Not exactly. answered the doctor.
She's a flute player in the Ottawa Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
True story
19 year old accidentally shoots himself in the wiener after robbing a hotdog stand
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=...79XlL5vOmd
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
February 12, 2018 at 12:26 pm
(February 12, 2018 at 11:10 am)Rhondazvous Wrote: (February 9, 2018 at 12:04 am)Darinda Wrote: A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.
What's the bad news? asked the hunter.
The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.
Well I guess that isn't too bad, the hunter replied. Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?
Not exactly. answered the doctor.
She's a flute player in the Ottawa Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
True story
19 year old accidentally shoots himself in the wiener after robbing a hotdog stand
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=...79XlL5vOmd
He just wanted some extra pickle on his hot dog?
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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RE: joke time
February 14, 2018 at 9:51 am
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
Teacher:" Of course not."
Pupil: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
![[Image: Who-said-English-is-easy-.jpg.330.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=www.jokesoftheday.net%2Fjokes-archive%2F2015%2F11%2F26%2FWho-said-English-is-easy-.jpg.330.jpg)
![[Image: 10959723_791713584246512_847338727876516...90&h=&q=70]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=memions.com%2Fwp-content%2Fthemes%2Fwumblr%2Fthemify%2Fimg.php%3Fsrc%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fmemions.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F03%2F10959723_791713584246512_847338727876516377_n.jpg%26amp%3Bw%3D590%26amp%3Bh%3D%26amp%3Bq%3D70)
"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me."
“I may be on the side of the angels but don’t think for one second that I am one of them.”
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day."
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RE: joke time
February 14, 2018 at 4:58 pm
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
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RE: joke time
February 17, 2018 at 9:12 pm
Pilot: thank you for flying Your Friendly Skies. We expect an uneventful flight this afternoon. OH MY GOD!!!!!!
A few minutes later
Pilot: sorry folks. I didn’t mean to scare you. The flight attendant spilled hot coffee all over my lap. You should see the front of my pents.
Passenger: That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
February 17, 2018 at 9:40 pm
Why did the Siamese twins travel from the US to the UK?
So the other one could drive.
Being told you're delusional does not necessarily mean you're mental.
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