joke time

[The Valkyrie]

An octopus slithers into a bar and loudly pronounces, "I can play any musical instrument you give me!"

A disbelieving barman gives it a guitar, that it proceeds to play like Clapton.

A patron leads it to a piano, which it proceeds to play like Elton John.

Everyone is amazed.

Finally, a Scotsman gives it a set of bagpipes.  There is much fumbling and commotion for a few minutes and the Scotsman laughs and says, "So, this is something you can't play?"

"Play?" Asks the octopus, "I'm gonna fuck her stupid the moment I get her pyjamas off!"

It is a strange but true fact, that Highland pipes are the only known exponential instrument:  When played simultaneously, ten bagpipes are not ten times as awful as one bagpipe - they are one hundred times worse.

Boru

Yet they totally fail to drive the enemy away as intended.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

It is a strange but true fact, that Highland pipes are the only known exponential instrument:  When played simultaneously, ten bagpipes are not ten times as awful as one bagpipe - they are one hundred times worse.

Boru

Yet they totally fail to drive the enemy away as intended.

Of course not.  Bagpipe 'music' is so toxic, so preternaturally noxious, that the urge to destroy it overcomes the urge to get away from it.

Boru

[Fireball]

[The Valkyrie]

Yet they totally fail to drive the enemy away as intended.

Of course not.  Bagpipe 'music' is so toxic, so preternaturally noxious, that the urge to destroy it overcomes the urge to get away from it.

Boru

Have to admit though, that it was clever the way they managed to use a bag instrument to simulate the sound of a dozen male cats with their balls caught in bear traps.

[chimp3]

A man sits down next to a woman on the commuter train. He starts a conversation. She says: "Every time you smile I want to invite you to my place". He says : "Oh, I take it you're single?". She says: "No, I'm a dentist".

[The Valkyrie]

A man sits down next to a woman on the commuter train. He starts a conversation. She says: "Every time you smile I want to invite you to my place". He says : "Oh, I take it you're single?". She says: "No, I'm a dentist".

A man gets into a lift with a woman in a hotel. As he turns around to face the door, his elbow accidentally knocks her boob.

Embarrassed, he says, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 516."

[vulcanlogician]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s President Trump's clock?” asked the man.

“Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”

[chimp3]

A group of dolphins figured out that eating one Mynah Bird a week will bestow eternal youth. They arranged a black market delivery of said feathered victims. The driver of the delivery truck was pulled over and arrested. He was charged with transporting Mynahs across state lines for immortal porpoises.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

That's the worst pun EVER and shame on you for telling it before I did.

Boru

[ignoramus]

Some scholars now believe that Jesus owned a Ford Mustang because he walked everywhere he went

Jesus H Christ, I know what you mean!