joke time

[The Valkyrie]

If Schroedinger's funeral was open casket, it probably wasn't as intrigueing for philosophers as it could have been...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Since Holy water destroys vampires, it seems that all a priest would have to do is bless a rain cloud. Any vampires outdoors would be dealt with.  This explains why most vampires are European - 

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somebody already blessed the rains down in Africa.

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Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. During a break from the rumpy-pumpy, the phone rings and the woman answers it. Her lover can only hear her side of the conversation.

‘Hello?…Oh, hi!…How are you?…Really! That’s wonderful!…I’m so happy for you…Sounds great!…Ok, we’ll talk again soon…Bye now.’ 

When she hangs up, her lover asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘My husband. He called to tell me what a great time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.’

Boru

[Darinda]

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Last 25 January, I was admitted to hospital with a case of food poisoning after eating haggis, neeps and tatties.

Fortunately, they have an excellent Burns unit.

Boru

[Darinda]

A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man.

The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: “I’ll give you everything! Please, let her go…”

Robber: “I only care about the jewels! I won’t hurt you if you give me what I want…”

Guy: “I BEG you, let her go!”

Robber: “Wow, you must really love your wife…”

Guy: “What? Oh no, my wife is about to get home!”

[The Valkyrie]

A friend got a vasectomy because he didn't want kids.

But when he got home the little bastards were still there!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Four engineers are in a car that won't start.

Mechanical engineer: 'It's a broken starter.'

Electrical engineer: 'It's a dead battery.'

Chemical engineer: 'It's impurities in the petrol.'

IT engineer: 'Hey, guys, I have an idea - let's all get out and get back in again.'

Boru

[Darinda]

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, ” Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”

The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”

So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”

The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”

The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My mother was always giving out life advice, such as, 'Don't be so quick to find faults.' She was a wonderful mum, but a rotten seismologist.

Boru