joke time

[The Valkyrie]

A man and a woman go on a first date. Things go so well that they head back to her house.

After a little fooling around, he takes off his jacket, then washes his hands.

Then he takes off his shirt, and washes his hands.

"You must be a dentist," she says.

"Yes, actually. How did you know?"

"Every time you take something off, you wash your hands!"

Things got heavy, and they made for the bedroom.

Afterwards she says, "You must be a very good dentist!"

"Yes, I am. How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing!"

[Darinda]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says “Hey signor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona!” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says “I’d like the best beer in the world! Give me the king of beers, a Budweiser!” The bartender passes him one.

The guy from Coors says “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors!” He gets one.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says “Give me a coke.” The bartender is a little taken back but he gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over and ask “Why are you drinking a Molson’s?”

The Molson Canadian president replies “Well I figured if you guys weren’t drinking beer neither would I!”

[Darinda]

I told my girl: “I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you,”

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear…:

“If you love me, introduce me to john”.

[The Valkyrie]

A maid asks her mistress for a pay rise.

Mistress: "You want more money? Give me three reasons I should give you a pay rise!"

Maid. "I'm a better cook than you.

Mistress, "who told you that?"

Maid, "Your husband."

Mistress, "Okay. Second reason?"

Maid, "I'm better at ironing than you."

Mistress, "Who told you that?"

Maid, "Your husband.

Mistress, "okay. Third reason?"

Maid, "I'm better in bed than you."

The mistress is ouraged!

"Did my husband tell you THAT, too?"

Maid, "No, the driver and the gardener!"

Mistress, "Okay, shut up, I'll give you your pay rise!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Hey, Siri - show me pictures of bleached arseholes.’

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Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A tourist visits Israel and ends up at the sea of Gallillee (I'm sure there are too many "l"s in there.

Anyway, he sees a boat moared by a little jetty and a sign offering boat rides.

"How much for a boat tour?" He asks the man by the boat.

"A thousand shekels." The boatman responds.

"A thousand shekels?? How long does the tour last?"

"Ten minutes," the boatman replies.

"A thousand shrkels for a ten minute ride?" Says the shocked tourist, "no wonder Jesus walked!"

[The Valkyrie]

A drunk Irishman staggers down the footpath. He comes to a crossing, starts to cross, and, suddenly there's a screech of brakes and a car barely misses him.

A horrified lady gets out of the car, runs up to him and says, "Oh my god! Are you okay? I'm do sorry!"

"I'm fine!" Says the Irishman and staggers off again.

The next day, he's again staggering down the road and walks onto the same footpath. There's a loud screech and a car almost hits him.

The same car.

Again, the lady jumps out and asks, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry!"

The Irishman brushes it off and continues on his wsy.

The next day he's again staggering up the street, starts to cross, and the same thing hsppens. Same lady, same car.

She jumps out and runs to him, "Are you okay? Oh my god, I'm sorry!:

"Jesus, Lady," replues the drunk, '"what the hell do you do when I'm not around!?"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I found a recipe for Moroccan bread, so I thought I'd give it a go. It called for two tablespoons of thyme - mine was WAY post it's expiry date, but I used in anyway. The bread turned out amazing.

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I guess I really do like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

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Boru

[LinuxGal]

Four Catholic ladies bragging:

1. "My son is a priest. People call him "Father."

2. My son is a bishop. People say to him, "Your Grace."

3. My son is a cardinal. When he walks in, people say, "Your Eminence."

4. My son is a stripper. When he walks in, people say, "My God."

[LinuxGal]

Heisenberg and Schrodinger get pulled over. The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

The cop orders them to pop open the trunk. He says "You have a dead cat back here!"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger."