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joke time
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 RE: joke time
October 19, 2024 at 4:54 pm
(This post was last modified: October 19, 2024 at 4:55 pm by Paraselene.)
*reenactment of civil war*
Asking Southern cosplayer: "Did you win this time?"
"What a little moonlight can do." ~ Billie Holiday
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know why it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNT OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they have been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID
teachings of the Bible are so muddled and self-contradictory that it was possible for Christians to happily burn heretics alive for five long centuries. It was even possible for the most venerated patriarchs of the Church, like St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas, to conclude that heretics should be tortured (Augustine) or killed outright (Aquinas). Martin Luther and John Calvin advocated the wholesale murder of heretics, apostates, Jews, and witches. - Sam Harris, "Letter To A Christian Nation"
Vegan goes for five days without mentioning it, shattering previous record.
News at 10! Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???" 
^ It's like the oldie, "How do you know if there's a fighter pilot in the room? He'll tell you!"
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
(October 23, 2024 at 10:12 pm)Fireball Wrote: ^ It's like the oldie, "How do you know if there's a fighter pilot in the room? He'll tell you!" You learn very quickly, in certain professions, not to mention it at parties. "Oh, you're a cardiologist? I've been getting..." *write something on paper and hand it to them* "What's this?" "My office hours." Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
What’s the worst part of having sex with Jesus?
He’s always wanting to come into your heart.
teachings of the Bible are so muddled and self-contradictory that it was possible for Christians to happily burn heretics alive for five long centuries. It was even possible for the most venerated patriarchs of the Church, like St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas, to conclude that heretics should be tortured (Augustine) or killed outright (Aquinas). Martin Luther and John Calvin advocated the wholesale murder of heretics, apostates, Jews, and witches. - Sam Harris, "Letter To A Christian Nation"
By law, you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
We have the headlight on rule here in California: if the wipers are on, so must be the headlights. I use Rain-X, so I don't use the wipers. I'll used the headlights if it's dark enough. Drove my car pool buddy bonkers. Wife doesn't like it, either.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
A drunk is staggering home from the pub one night, wanders out onto the road, and a car nearly hits him.
A horrified woman gets out and says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, are you alright?" "I'm fine. Don yous worry about me!" Slurs the drunk and staggers away. Next night, in exactly the same place, the same thing happens. Same woman, same car, same drunk. The woman grts out of the car and asks, "Are you okay? You poor man!" Again the drunk dismisses her concern and staggers off up the road. Of course, the same thing happens the next night, too. Same woman, same car, same drunk, same street. The woman jumps out of her car and says, "Oh my god, I can't believe it happened again.are you okay?: This time the drunk looks at her and says, "What the hell do you do when I'm not here??" Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
‘I just got a pet termite and I named him Clint.’
‘Why Clint?’ ‘Because Clint Eatswood.’ Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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