joke time

[FatAndFaithless]

A dog has not only a fur coat, but also pants.

[Little lunch]

A hippie on a bus trip notices a beautiful nun sitting across from him. He strikes up a conversation and asks her out on a date.
She explains that that wouldn't be permitted as she is married to Jesus Christ and promptly hops off at the next stop.
The old male bus driver sees what's happened and offers the young man some advice.
'Every night at midnight, that young nun prays in the cemetery. With your long hair, if you were to dress up as Jesus Christ and mention how you two are supposed to be married, who knows what might happen', says the bus driver.
Sure enough, the hippie turns up to the cemetery just before midnight,dressed up as Jesus and walks into the dark clearing where the nun is praying.
'It is I, Jesus Christ, come to consecrate our holy marriage', said the hippie.
The nun, although seemingly shocked, quickly regains her composure and says,'Yes, my lord, but I couldn't explain a pregnancy to the church so could you please use the other hole.'
'Of course', said the young man, delighted that his plan was working.
So he gets on top and goes for it.
Finally spent, he slides off and says,'by the way, I'm not Jesus, I'm that hippie you rejected on the bus this afternoon.'
'That's alright, I'm not really a nun', says the bus driver.

---

'You only hear what you want to hear'
'Thanks, I like to keep it short in summer'

A woman turns to her husband and says,' look at this Harold, there's a new book out called,' Why men don't listen and why women can't read maps'.
'I can read fucking maps', he says.

-'Mum, what's your position on abortion'?
-'Ask your sister'.
-'But I don't have a sister'.

[Ben Davis]

Tyler, a teenage boy, is getting ready to take his girlfriend, Madison, to the prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist but there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. Tyler and Madison are dancing happily and Madison is having a great time. When the song is over, she leans in to ask him to get her some punch so Tyler heads over to the refreshment table, pours the punch and gives it to her. There was no punchline.

---

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a drink"

The barman says "For you - no charge"

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There are only 2 types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information...

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What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs are both the same.

[Losty]

---

"Tyler, a teenage boy, is getting ready to take his girlfriend, Madison, to the prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist but there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. Tyler and Madison are dancing happily and Madison is having a great time. When the song is over, she leans in to ask him to get her some punch so Tyler heads over to the refreshment table, pours the punch and gives it to her. There was no punchline."

---

[Tobie]

There are only 10 types of people; those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't know this was in tertiary.

[Little lunch]

The difference between a duck.
I heard it as - why is a duck?
An ice cream because motorbikes don't have doors.
I love nonsense jokes. The joke is the confusion on the listeners face half the time.

Why did the airplane crash. Because the pilot was a tomato.
Why did they bury the Chinese man on a hill inbetween two coconut trees on a moonlit night? Because he was dead.

Ask me if I'm a taxi driver.
Are you a taxi driver?
No.

I'll tell you an Irish knock knock joke.
-Ok.
You start.

---

I hope none of you is Irish.
I find it hard to type slow. :-)

[Thumpalumpacus]

A hunter out in the woods comes across a bear. He levels his rifle and takes a shot, but misses. The infuriated bear charges the hunter, rips his clothes off, and screws him but good.

The hunter, now with his manly pride as well as his hunting skills on the line, goes back out the next weekend. He finds and tracks the bear, but once more his shot is off, and the bear charges him and has his way with the hunter.

This cannot stand. The hunter goes out and buys a bolt-action 30-30, beautiful gun, long range, and is out in the woods tracking the bear down when suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder. Sure enough, it's the bear:

"You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"

[Little lunch]

Have you heard about the new Muslim love doll.
It even blows itself up.

[Ben Davis]

From the late, great Rick Mayall (in character as (P)Rik from the Young Ones):

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead!

Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the first monkey!

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it thought it was a game!

Why did the tree fall over?

Because it thought it was a monkey!

Why did the monkey fall over?

Because it thought it was a tree!

Why did the man die?

Because he got hit on the head by 4 monkeys & a tree!

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken!"

[Tobie]

The difference between a duck.
I heard it as - why is a duck?
An ice cream because motorbikes don't have doors.
I love nonsense jokes. The joke is the confusion on the listeners face half the time.

Why did the airplane crash. Because the pilot was a tomato.
Why did they bury the Chinese man on a hill inbetween two coconut trees on a moonlit night? Because he was dead.

Ask me if I'm a taxi driver.
Are you a taxi driver?
No.

I'll tell you an Irish knock knock joke.
-Ok.
You start.

---

I hope none of you is Irish.
I find it hard to type slow. :-)

I love nonsense jokes. The first one I heard was;

Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Because he was hit by a fridge.