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RE: joke time
April 20, 2015 at 8:52 am
A couple bought a magic mirror. The woman tried it first:
"Mirror, mirror, on the door, give me a bust of 44. Wow, it worked! Look at these!"
Next the man:
"My turn! Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
And his legs fell off.
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RE: joke time
April 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm
A factory worker gets his hand caught in one of the machines. While at hospital getting patched up, he calls his missus to give her the news.
'Now, luv, don't be upset, but I've had an accident at the job and lost me finger.'
'Sweet Jesus! Did you lose the whole finger?'
'No, the one next to it.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
April 21, 2015 at 5:46 pm
I'm beginning to suspect that Google is a woman. Every time I start to type, it finishes my sentences for me.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
April 22, 2015 at 10:21 am
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I... can't see.
CHRISTIANITY: The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
Makes perfect sense.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
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RE: joke time
April 22, 2015 at 6:20 pm
Ever since I installed AdBlocker, all the single girls in my area have lost interest.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
April 22, 2015 at 6:26 pm
A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, 'Sir, do you know how fast you were going?'
Heisenberg responds, 'NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
April 22, 2015 at 8:58 pm
(This post was last modified: April 22, 2015 at 8:59 pm by IATIA.)
A man gets pulled over by a cop.
"Let me see your license and registration sir."
"Here."
"Do you know why I stopped you?"
"No sir."
"You didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign back there."
"I slowed down and there was nobody coming. What's the difference?"
"Step out of the car sir!"
The man steps out of the car at which moment the the cop pulls out his nightstick and commences to beat on the guy.
"Stop! Stop!"
"Well sir, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
April 22, 2015 at 9:03 pm
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walk into a bar...
I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.
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RE: joke time
April 23, 2015 at 5:19 am
I was stopped in my car by the police yesterday. He came over to my window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?"
I said, "Yes, you want to see how tall I am."
He said, "Step out of the car, sir."
I said, "There, see?"
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
April 23, 2015 at 11:03 am
If you see a group of people in the distance, how do you know which one is the American?
The one you can hear 
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