I'm in Love with a Theist

[Wolf Denn]

She is sincerely my dream girl in every way: she's beautiful, funny, a goof, smart, enjoys video games, and we have a common interest in theatre.

Let me tell you something you probably don't want to hear: The very concept of a 'dream girl' or 'dream guy' isn't much more realistic than the concept of God. There are probably thousands of girls you could be reasonably happy with (if you could find them) but not one of them will be a 'dream girl'. People are very complex and they change. No two people are going to be a perfect match. There will always be compromises. It's only a question of how much either party is willing to compromise. There is no fairy tale.

I understand, and I actually agree. I guess what I really meant was we started at a very good point. There wasn't much and still isn't much compromising that has to take place. And when there is, it's not usually an issue. But I definitely do agree with you about there being no fairy tales. I used "dream girl" as a shortcut to describe her as the person I want, and the things we differ on I am willing to compromise.

[Minimalist]

Well that's the thing. I've asked her and she says I come before God for her.

But do you believe her? 

and frankly, I'm scared. Not terrified. But worried, at least.   [ Your words from the OP]

And what happens when her whole family is pulling her in the other direction?

[Alex K]

How devout is the family? In case you one day have kids (I know at not even a year this is early, but it could e.g. happen sooner than planned by accident), do you have the feeling her parents will want to control how they are raised? How does her mom's dislike of you show?

[Aroura]

I was still Catholic when I met and married my husband, and he was an atheist even then. however, I was not a practicing Catholic, so that might have made a difference.

If she's not pushy about her religion, who cares? Wants you to get a church wedding but otherwise is unconcerned about you not going to church with her? Then I don't see the problem. If she was really devout, I imagine it would wear on you over time.
If her religiosity isn't enough to really bother you, then I think you will be fine. BUT, if it is bothering you now, think how you'll fell in 10 years and after you have kids and she wants to go brainwash them.

Whatever you decide, best wishes!

[Wolf Denn]

How devout is the family? In case you one day have kids (I know at not even a year this is early, but it could e.g. happen sooner than planned by accident), do you have the feeling her parents will want to control how they are raised?  How does her mom's dislike of you show?

It's a big part of their lives. They go to church every week, sometimes multiples times a week. I went to a Christmas party at their house and they ended up playing Bible Jeopardy, and actually enjoyed it.

She doesn't outright show disdain of me to my face, but they things she says to me girl friend make me feel like her mom is upset she is with me. And when I'm around she always seems to have an "attitude". Now, of course, this is part of her personality in the first place so maybe I am blowing things out of proportion. And I am dating her daughter so that works against me as well because I know sometimes parents are upset no matter who their daughter is dating. 

Trust me, I have thought about her parents wanting to influence the way the child is raised. I've already told my girl friend that if/when that time comes both of our parents are going to stay out of it because it is OUR child. I would be hesitant to leave the child with her parents, only because I wouldn't want them attempting to brainwash the child.

---

Well that's the thing. I've asked her and she says I come before God for her.

But do you believe her? 

and frankly, I'm scared. Not terrified. But worried, at least.   [ Your words from the OP]

And what happens when her whole family is pulling her in the other direction?

I was skeptical of it when she said it at first. But throughout our time together she has seemed to lose some of the vigor she may have once had about her religion. She has even skipped church a few times because of me. *gasp* I have since come to believe her when she says that because she really has given up a lot so far to be with me.

That's the only thing I'm worried about. I'm worried I may say or do something, pushing her away. So far it has actually been her family pushing her away, being so clingy and strict.

---

I was still Catholic when I met and married my husband, and he was an atheist even then.   however, I was not a practicing Catholic, so that might have made a difference.

If she's not pushy about her religion, who cares?  Wants you to get a church wedding but otherwise is unconcerned about you not going to church with her?  Then I don't see the problem.  If she was really devout, I imagine it would wear on you over time.
If her religiosity isn't enough to really bother you, then I think you will be fine.  BUT, if it is bothering you now, think how you'll fell in 10 years and after you have kids and she wants to go brainwash them.

Whatever you decide, best wishes!

Perhaps "devout" is the wrong word. She hasn't been pushy about her religion - so far, so good there! I've attended church with her a few times but I've made sure that she knows I'm just there because I want to spend time with her and with my work schedule on Sundays I wouldn't usually get to see her otherwise.

Thanks, Aroura!

[pocaracas]

I foresee a mother-in-law from hell in your future.
Apart from that, be with the person that makes you happy... and if it makes her happy to be with you, then you have a plus!

[Alex K]

I went to a Christmas party at their house and they ended up playing Bible Jeopardy, and actually enjoyed it.

[robvalue]

Heya again Wolf

In general, I think it's a bad idea. But then every case is different so I'd never just outright say "don't do it". It sounds like she is towards the more mellow end of things. If she's not making it a problem in your relationship, then things could be fine. For example, my wife believes in ghosts and a few other paranormal things but she doesn't make it an issue so it doesn't matter.

For me, the biggest thing is having children. Up until that point, you're just considering yourself and whether you're happy with the relationship. Having kids is the biggest decision you could ever make, and you can't take it back.

You have to evaluate the possibility that she could want to indoctrinate your kids, even if it seems like she wouldn't want to now. And to a lesser extent her family is an issue, but as long as your girlfriend was against indoctrination, they would fail at any attempt. I've heard this story before, and after having kids the theist suddenly can't deal with them growing up non religious. It then becomes a problem not only for the children but for your relationship.

So my best advice it to be completely honest. Let her know what your beliefs and lack of beliefs are, in detail. Let her know what you would expect when raising children (if/when it gets to that stage). Then you'll need to decide whether you feel comfortable enough that she will stick to it. Maybe she will, which is again why I don't simply say "don't do it", but be very cautious.

Best of luck with whatever you try to do

[wolf39us]

I've done it before. I won't say that 100% of the time you shouldn't do it, but I think it's something to be avoided unless you like to take risks.

No kids, long term = okay!

I will tell you, that the one girl that I probably loved more than I will love anyone else was a Christian girl who was half serious about her religion. The major thing that drove us apart was the fact that I didn't want children, at all. Funny thing is, she's an Atheist now with her new boyfriend lol.

[Alex K]

Here's a fun thought - how about a friendly one-on-one talk with your potential mother in law about religion and these things?