Hostage to fear

[Spacetime]

As I started to investigate my own religion, I began to cast out doctrines like hell... because you have a very difficult problem with theodicy if you hold to it.  I then decided that the evil that occurs now is the most pressing issue if hell is out of the equation.  What use is my God if He doesn't intervene?  Therefore, God must not be a personal God.

I know the bible is not historically accurate, we can prove the documents are fables.  I know we have no evidence for the suspension of physical laws to allow for the possibility of miracles.  I know human biology doesn't allow for something like a virgin birth.

I just can't seem to give it up.  If I've cast out the doctrine of hell, you'd say I have nothing to fear.  I've drawn out all that I cannot hold to if I am going to hold to that which is true, there's nothing left.  Absolutely nothing.  My fear is entirely irrational.

My own Grandmother threatened me with hell.  A girl I liked in high school... I asked her "So if I don't believe in Jesus, but am a good person, I'm still going to go to hell?"  When she said "I'm sorry, but yes."  I literally burst into tears in art class.

Perhaps it's those experiences that still hold me hostage to the Church.  My Grandmother sends my children books that I have to go through to weed out the crazy shit.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed to tell this story, but my eldest boy toasted the end of the world in front of my atheist parents during their last visit before supper.  The reaction he got sent him into tears.  I, of course, comforted him.  I teach my children that there is no hell, but then he clings to the return of Christ when this loving God comes back to destroy the Earth?

It's all complete and utter bullshit.  But I'm so f'ing scared to denounce it for my children's sake.  I am programmed to not say anything bad about Christ.  I literally can't... and I've even tried.  I can even tell you honestly that I love Christ (seriously, no joke).  But when I look at these things critically, there's nothing left for me to hold on to.

Church has been so good for my wife and children, though.  I'm afraid of what my wife will think of me.  I'm afraid I would be taking something good away from them if I am openly agnostic.  I'm not incredibly smart or anything, but they look to me for standards of goodness.

If I go to the clergy with these thoughts, I'm afraid I'm only going to get more of the same.  That's why I'm posting here.  I could use a little unbiased encouragement, maybe, from someone who has been through the same thing.

[Nope]

[Minimalist]

It isn't like turning on a switch, you know.  They have spent years indoctrinating you into their superstitions and you've made remarkable progress in rejecting them but you are still surrounded by them and just because you have come to your senses does not mean that they have.  It will take time to throw off these inane dogmas which xtians spout with such certainty.

Try to limit your conversations with your associates to mundane topics and save the heavy thinking for here. We have just enough theists around here to serve as bad examples.

Meanwhile, read Chris Hitchens "God is Not Good."

Welcome.

[Spacetime]

[LastPoet]

[The Grand Nudger]

Fear very often -is- entirely irrational.  Knowing that doesn't make it less fearful.  That mostly has to do with fear being an actual thing, an electro-chemical cocktail  with effects which do not depend upon your knowledge of them -or- their nature.   Fear is autonomous.  

There's no reason that your god can't be the being that you want him to be, btw.  I don't see the holdup, the gods you've heard about are all the way they are because -someone- wanted them to be that way....yours wouldn't be any different on that count.

Preach a hippy christ to your family, man.  Preach a hell-less afterlife.  I don't really think that the church can be given credit for your families happiness...but if that -is- the case then maybe you should work to tip the scales....maybe- you- should endeavor to bring more happiness to your family?  Truth be told...you can;t really keep the church in any of their lives in any case.  They could just fall away (as many do) and if the church is their source of happiness...then what?  You can;t do anything about that potentiality, but you can at least bring some other source of happiness into their lives to hedge against the fear which clearly consumes your thoughts on this issue.

[Tonus]

My own Grandmother threatened me with hell.  A girl I liked in high school... I asked her "So if I don't believe in Jesus, but am a good person, I'm still going to go to hell?"  When she said "I'm sorry, but yes."  I literally burst into tears in art class.

I wonder how god feels at seeing her apologize for him. I'll bet he's pretty pissed, and probably even moved her name from the "heaven" list to the "don't piss off god, you stupid cunt" list.

[Pyrrho]

You should definitely read things on the subject, as it will help you have greater confidence in your ideas about there not being a god, and in the absurdity of Christianity.  What would be best depends on your temperament and so forth, so I am hesitant to make any specific recommendations.  Do your atheist parents have any suggestions, or do you not wish to talk with them about this for some reason?

And welcome to the forum!

[robvalue]

[Spacetime]