RE: JUST OPEN YOUR HEART, DAMMIT!
August 24, 2015 at 8:23 am
(This post was last modified: August 24, 2015 at 10:19 am by MTL.)
I just want to share an actual experience I had.
I was raised in a devout Baptist/Protestant home,
and in my early youth, asked Jesus into my heart;
but now, at age 39,
I am Agnostic and Anti-Theist.
But, for anyone who liked The X-Files,
I could compare Theism to The Black Oil;
once it's been inside you,
good luck completely eradicating it.
As I made my journey to Agnosticism,
at certain points, my Theist upbringing would assert itself,
especially when I was particularly low or depressed.
I was raised to simply "Open my heart" and take a leap of faith,
and put all, into God's hands.
So, in my early 30s, during a particularly hard time in my life,
I had one particularly bad night.
I was deeply depressed,
and had been wrestling with the religious issues in our family,
amongst several other things.
Finally, as I was laying in bed to go to sleep,
I just gave way to tears and quite frankly cried my heart out.
I said the first prayer I had uttered in many years,
and it was a cri de coeur; straight from the heart.
I prostrated myself before God
I confessed I had no faith, but wished I could have;
I apologized for my failings and begged forgiveness,
confessed my unworthiness but begged for mercy and for help with my faith.
I slept the night through.
I dreamt, my usual panopoly of nondescript dreams,
but at dawn, my dreams suddenly shifted abruptly to something specific,
and highly visceral:
I still slept, but I dreamt that I opened my eyes, and looked at my bedroom.
In my dream, I saw my room and myself exactly as it currently was, in reality,
and the time of day was right, too, with cracks of light beginning to show around the drapes.
I dreamt that I turned my gaze towards my chest,
where I felt a cutting, burning sensation, both hot and cold.
In my dream, I saw a fissure suddenly open in the centre of my chest,
as if sliced from within.
It only took a second,
but something slipped out of the fissure,
flitted upwards, and was gone.
It was misty, and glowing faintly,
and there was a face in it that looked blankly right at me, without emotion.
In my dream, although I wasn't expecting it,
I knew immediately that the face was that of Jesus.
I woke up.
My hand flew to my chest, which of course was normal.
I sat up and considered.
It was a very troubling dream.
I knew, beyond all doubt, that it was supposed to be Jesus,
...and that He had left me.
Now, Atheists, especially those who have never been Theists,
will doubtless say that it was my logical unconscious brain finally making the decision
to reject the illogical nature of Religion,
and choose to function as an individual, without need of Deity.
But I posted this experience in this thread,
about "opening your heart"
because I want Theists to consider this:
I had prostrated myself before God the very night before,
admitting I had no faith but begging for His mercy and wishing I could find God,
So, given that I had opened my heart to the best of my ability,
WHY would Jesus,
if He really exists,
and really is who He says He is,
allow me to have such a dream,
when I was begging for just the opposite...
...unless He was really giving up on me....which Jesus is never supposed to do???
Note:
To Atheists, I agree that the existence of a spirit realm is highly unlikely,
although i allow for it in theory.
To Theists:
I have entertained the theory that Jesus may exist,
but is actually a demon masquerading as the Son of God.
It is a theory that I think applies to all so-called "Gods" from all religions.
Maybe there IS a spirit world,
but they are beings, like us,
and use our ignorance and fear of them
to manipulate us into believing they are more powerful than they really are,
or even to fool us into believing that they are actually the Creator,
when if anything, they are weaker than us, and jealous of us.
If this theory were in any way true,
then maybe my dream was real,
and a spirit DID leave my heart,
(wherein I had invited it, decades earlier)
...but it was a weak and deceitful spirit
who no longer found my heart a hospitable place.
I was raised in a devout Baptist/Protestant home,
and in my early youth, asked Jesus into my heart;
but now, at age 39,
I am Agnostic and Anti-Theist.
But, for anyone who liked The X-Files,
I could compare Theism to The Black Oil;
once it's been inside you,
good luck completely eradicating it.
As I made my journey to Agnosticism,
at certain points, my Theist upbringing would assert itself,
especially when I was particularly low or depressed.
I was raised to simply "Open my heart" and take a leap of faith,
and put all, into God's hands.
So, in my early 30s, during a particularly hard time in my life,
I had one particularly bad night.
I was deeply depressed,
and had been wrestling with the religious issues in our family,
amongst several other things.
Finally, as I was laying in bed to go to sleep,
I just gave way to tears and quite frankly cried my heart out.
I said the first prayer I had uttered in many years,
and it was a cri de coeur; straight from the heart.
I prostrated myself before God
I confessed I had no faith, but wished I could have;
I apologized for my failings and begged forgiveness,
confessed my unworthiness but begged for mercy and for help with my faith.
I slept the night through.
I dreamt, my usual panopoly of nondescript dreams,
but at dawn, my dreams suddenly shifted abruptly to something specific,
and highly visceral:
I still slept, but I dreamt that I opened my eyes, and looked at my bedroom.
In my dream, I saw my room and myself exactly as it currently was, in reality,
and the time of day was right, too, with cracks of light beginning to show around the drapes.
I dreamt that I turned my gaze towards my chest,
where I felt a cutting, burning sensation, both hot and cold.
In my dream, I saw a fissure suddenly open in the centre of my chest,
as if sliced from within.
It only took a second,
but something slipped out of the fissure,
flitted upwards, and was gone.
It was misty, and glowing faintly,
and there was a face in it that looked blankly right at me, without emotion.
In my dream, although I wasn't expecting it,
I knew immediately that the face was that of Jesus.
I woke up.
My hand flew to my chest, which of course was normal.
I sat up and considered.
It was a very troubling dream.
I knew, beyond all doubt, that it was supposed to be Jesus,
...and that He had left me.
Now, Atheists, especially those who have never been Theists,
will doubtless say that it was my logical unconscious brain finally making the decision
to reject the illogical nature of Religion,
and choose to function as an individual, without need of Deity.
But I posted this experience in this thread,
about "opening your heart"
because I want Theists to consider this:
I had prostrated myself before God the very night before,
admitting I had no faith but begging for His mercy and wishing I could find God,
So, given that I had opened my heart to the best of my ability,
WHY would Jesus,
if He really exists,
and really is who He says He is,
allow me to have such a dream,
when I was begging for just the opposite...
...unless He was really giving up on me....which Jesus is never supposed to do???
Note:
To Atheists, I agree that the existence of a spirit realm is highly unlikely,
although i allow for it in theory.
To Theists:
I have entertained the theory that Jesus may exist,
but is actually a demon masquerading as the Son of God.
It is a theory that I think applies to all so-called "Gods" from all religions.
Maybe there IS a spirit world,
but they are beings, like us,
and use our ignorance and fear of them
to manipulate us into believing they are more powerful than they really are,
or even to fool us into believing that they are actually the Creator,
when if anything, they are weaker than us, and jealous of us.
If this theory were in any way true,
then maybe my dream was real,
and a spirit DID leave my heart,
(wherein I had invited it, decades earlier)
...but it was a weak and deceitful spirit
who no longer found my heart a hospitable place.
