Give what you get?

[*Deidre*]

What do you think the exception(s) would be? I guess you can't always give what you get in a career situation lol And she is very philanthropic actually, her "rule" applies to mainly social interactions with friends and her family. I find it curious because I think it makes sense in some ways as to not be taken advantage of which happens to me more than I would like, in my friendships.

Well there is one big, obvious flaw I see in it right away. If everyone lived by this method, nobody would ever initiate kindness. Sometimes you have to be the one to smile first or you may find yourself never doing so.

I've also put up some walls so I'm never taken advantage of again, but I didn't build them so high that nobody could ever get through.

I agree with this. But it gets old always being the one to smile first and ask how someone is. It doesn't always make me feel appreciated as a friend.

[The Grand Nudger]

In important ways we -do- live our lives this way...but the chain of kindness and reciprocity began long before any of us were born.

[*Deidre*]

Yeah, probably better than just being nice to others, and hoping they'll be nice in return. That would get you taken advantage of.

That's what I do lol but it doesn't always pay.

[Foxaèr]

That's what I do lol but it doesn't always pay.

If someone is mean or rude to me, I have the right to be mean or rude right back. Its a right I exercise because the mean or rude individual is not going to learn anything if I'm nice, because that merely allows the mean or rude person to continue to believe that it is perfectly alright to be mean or rude whenever s/he wants.

---

Just as one is taught to stand up to a bully, one should also stand up to mean/rude individuals.

[Jesster]

Well there is one big, obvious flaw I see in it right away. If everyone lived by this method, nobody would ever initiate kindness. Sometimes you have to be the one to smile first or you may find yourself never doing so.

I've also put up some walls so I'm never taken advantage of again, but I didn't build them so high that nobody could ever get through.

I agree with this. But it gets old always being the one to smile first and ask how someone is. It doesn't always make me feel appreciated as a friend.

I just stopped expecting kindness in return every time. I also limit my efforts to the amount of energy I have available. If I can help someone and it feels right, I do what I can. If it's just too much for me, I tell them I'm not feeling up to it or I'm not able to right now. Someone worthy of my friendship will understand and won't push me for more. If they can't deal with that, then I know they probably aren't really a friend.

Most of this is too situational for me to put strict rules on, though.

[Thumpalumpacus]

It depends on their intent, and their willingness to respect my boundaries once I've pointed them out. And yes, repeat offenders get the arm's-length treatment.

[The Grand Nudger]

Who puts any thought into this, legit question.  How often does anyone find themselves doing a sort of mental calculus of kindness?

[Foxaèr]

Who puts any thought into this, legit question.  How often does anyone find themselves doing a sort of mental calculus of kindness?

I'm kind so long as the person with whom I am interacting is kind as well.

[brewer]

That seems like a pretty shallow, superficial and stunted way to go thru life. Smells of passive aggressive.

So how do you react when someone belittles you or betrays you, in some way? I don't believe in revenge but do you remain friends with people who don't treat you well?

That is on a case by case basis. I may have done something and belittling/betraying me may have seemed or was justified to them. I'd have to go back and reassess the situation and their motives/actions. If I also find it justified or at least understandable then meh, I let it go (forgive?). If I don't, then I'll be on the look out for their continuing unacceptable behavior. If due to a misunderstanding and I think we can work things out then that's the path. If I find it completely unacceptable and there is no change, I'll probably move on. 

But the tit for tat, I'll only like you if you like me first, you didn't pick me up when you said so next time is pay back, I asked for Coke and you brought me 7UP so that goes on the list for the next opportunity, on and on and on, is passive aggressive manipulation. I could probably tolerate the person but they'll never make it into the friend zone. At some point there has to be some unconditional giving-forgiving/emotional connection.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Who puts any thought into this, legit question.  How often does anyone find themselves doing a sort of mental calculus of kindness?

Not very often, for me.