Divorce questions/thoughts

[pocaracas]

Why would people go to court for a divorce?
Is that a murrican thing?

You have to file for the divorce. And the place you file is the courthouse. 

If it is a no contest type of divorce, generally, you still go to a hearing to just confirm to the judge that there are irreconcilable differences between both parties and the divorce is the only thing either want. No contest is also good if there are zero marital assets and zero children, or if there are zero assets and there is already a court-ordered custody agreement between the parties. Both parties can keep attorneys out of it by paying the filing fee and nothing more.

If it's messy, get a lawyer and get ready to pay out the ass for your freedom.

Hmm... we don't go to a courthouse, nor a judge, unless it gets messy.
Things are done at some public servant's desk. There is also a cool-down period between the first filing and the final decision. and I remember the fee, from when I got married and looked at the list of "services":
Marriage fee: ~ 50€
Divorce fee: ~ 250€

[Abaddon_ire]

You have to file for the divorce. And the place you file is the courthouse. 

If it is a no contest type of divorce, generally, you still go to a hearing to just confirm to the judge that there are irreconcilable differences between both parties and the divorce is the only thing either want. No contest is also good if there are zero marital assets and zero children, or if there are zero assets and there is already a court-ordered custody agreement between the parties. Both parties can keep attorneys out of it by paying the filing fee and nothing more.

If it's messy, get a lawyer and get ready to pay out the ass for your freedom.

Hmm... we don't go to a courthouse, nor a judge, unless it gets messy.
Things are done at some public servant's desk. There is also a cool-down period between the first filing and the final decision. and I remember the fee, from when I got married and looked at the list of "services":
Marriage fee: ~ 50€
Divorce fee: ~ 250€

Oh, so you are still legally married. OK.

[Joods]

You have to file for the divorce. And the place you file is the courthouse. 

If it is a no contest type of divorce, generally, you still go to a hearing to just confirm to the judge that there are irreconcilable differences between both parties and the divorce is the only thing either want. No contest is also good if there are zero marital assets and zero children, or if there are zero assets and there is already a court-ordered custody agreement between the parties. Both parties can keep attorneys out of it by paying the filing fee and nothing more.

If it's messy, get a lawyer and get ready to pay out the ass for your freedom.

Hmm... we don't go to a courthouse, nor a judge, unless it gets messy.
Things are done at some public servant's desk. There is also a cool-down period between the first filing and the final decision. and I remember the fee, from when I got married and looked at the list of "services":
Marriage fee: ~ 50€
Divorce fee: ~ 250€

I got married in Virginia. Getting divorced in PA will run a person over $300 (that's around the average cost for the filing fee)
Then, if the woman doesn't want to keep her married name it will cost her more money to have it changed through the state drivers license center. She also has to change it through her insurance company and social security administration. 

If she holds a license to work (like me) there are fees to have that legal document changed as well. 

It's not cheap getting divorced but the woman always pays the price to assume her maiden name.

[CapnAwesome]

Why get divorced? Honestly it sounds like you get along with your wife in everyway but sexually. She's given you permission to meet your sexual needs elsewhere, presumably while staying married.

Why not just do That! Newsflash, you don't need to have all your needs met by one person. Tell your wife you want to have a consensual affair, which she said was okay, stay married and go meet the new (Or rather old) fling. It seems to be what everyone wants.

[mlmooney89]

I would say if you are willing to go through the stress of a divorce. You have no children so thats a plus. And this is a personal opinion, but if your wife does not care if you have an affair, I would say she does not love you, as a partner at least. If love is important to you, then this may be another reason for you to divorce.

I would say stay single for a while after the divorce. Dont move with the other woman at least for some time.

Saying she doesn't love him just because she lets him have an affair is a little presumptuous wouldn't you say? Just because it's not traditional doesn't mean it's not love. I love my husband more than I can imagine but we have played in the open relationship field. Allowing your love to be physically satisfied elsewhere is a personal decision and not everyone thinks it's bad.

---

I still think divorce is the answer myself because consensual affairs are tricky but it is an option if you really believe she is ok with it. You get to keep your best friend and get sex. First and foremost boundaries and lots of conversations are needed. Always check in that everyone is still ok with events and everyone needs to be fully honest. If all play by the rules open relationship can be fun and sexy.

[Shell B]

A consensual affair is one thing. That's totally up to the people involved. Her saying off-hand one night that he can have an affair doesn't necessarily mean she's actually consenting to the affair he's about to have. He needs to actually tell her, which he said he isn't going to, which makes it cheating. Mid-life crises don't excuse bad behavior.

[vorlon13]

Not likely relavant but I know same sex couples spanning the spectrum from totally open marriages to ones that would make my parents uncomfortable with their strictness. But all that persist do thru mutual honesty. Initial vows run all over the spectrum too, some I find meaningless, LOL!

Subsequent changes really need to be mutual. But maybe it's easier for SS couples to do that sometimes. Can't think of an 'open' (to any degree) Lesbian marriage I'm aware of, but I am (thankfully) not that nosy to know for sure.

Due to health issues, I'm not sexy now, not thinking about it, not missing it, not even missing missing it, if that makes sense. So this entire thread is weirdly theoretical to me today.

Sorry . . . . .

[CapnAwesome]

A consensual affair is one thing. That's totally up to the people involved. Her saying off-hand one night that he can have an affair doesn't necessarily mean she's actually consenting to the affair he's about to have. He needs to actually tell her, which he said he isn't going to, which makes it cheating. Mid-life crises don't excuse bad behavior.

Well I think the best option is to communicate with her about it. We don't have the whole story, but I don't think people grasp how common consensual affairs are in long term marriages. Very common. Personally I think it would be a big mistake to throw away 20 years of friendship by getting a divorce. That is going to hurt his wife way more than him getting laid.

A sexless marriage is a perfectly good reason to cheat. But I'm going to wager that his wife is okay with it. Only way to know for sure is to ask her. There is no good reason to not bring her up to speed, and the sooner the better. Before you get further involved with this other person. Have a few drinks and talk about it. Not how your wife can meet your needs, but if she's okay with someone else. It might even be a relief to her!

Do this BEFORE. Worst case?? Her feelings are hurt and you get a divorce. But that hurt will be far less than if you just sneak around. However I have a strong feeling she will be okay with it. IF YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! Lies will hurt more than the sex.

And you know what? This next woman probably won't be able to fulfill every emotional and sexual need you have either.

[Shell B]

A consensual affair is one thing. That's totally up to the people involved. Her saying off-hand one night that he can have an affair doesn't necessarily mean she's actually consenting to the affair he's about to have. He needs to actually tell her, which he said he isn't going to, which makes it cheating. Mid-life crises don't excuse bad behavior.

I don't think people grasp how common consensual affairs are in long term marriages.  Very common. Personally I think it would be a big mistake to throw away 20 years of friendship by getting a divorce.  That is going to hurt his wife way more than him getting laid.

My best friend is a dominatrix who has never had anything but an open relationship. Judging by how many like-minded friends she has, it's very common and not necessarily very complicated. It just has to be everyone's decision. For me, it would be him lying to me that hurt me more than the sex.

A sexless marriage is a perfectly good reason to cheat.

I disagree. It's a good reason to reconsider the marriage or ask for an open relationship, but it's not a good enough reason to cheat. Cheating is super duper shitty.

[CapnAwesome]

I don't think people grasp how common consensual affairs are in long term marriages.  Very common. Personally I think it would be a big mistake to throw away 20 years of friendship by getting a divorce.  That is going to hurt his wife way more than him getting laid.

My best friend is a dominatrix who has never had anything but an open relationship. Judging by how many like-minded friends she has, it's very common and not necessarily very complicated. It just has to be everyone's decision. For me, it would be him lying to me that hurt me more than the sex.

A sexless marriage is a perfectly good reason to cheat.

I disagree. It's a good reason to reconsider the marriage or ask for an open relationship, but it's not a good enough reason to cheat. Cheating is super duper shitty.

Well asking is obviously the best option for him. I mean, there doesn't seem much downside to it. However forcing someone to be monogamous and then not putting out (for years!) If there is a justification for cheating, it's that. I mean, I'd say cheating and hiding it (Not that I think that is possible) would cause way less harm then a mess divorce where you have to split up assets. Is it ideal? No, obviously not. But he has talked to her about trying to have more sex multiple times. So it's hard to fault him if he were just getting laid every once in a while. Of course that's not what's happening here. He's having (Or about to have) a romantic affair, which is really worst case scenario.