Please help?

[Longhorn]

Ookay... this is gonna be hard. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this situation.

I met this guy. He did just want to screw me in the beginning. That was his reason for in talking to me initially. I felt that and had mixed feelings because other than that he was pretty interesting and I don't know, good to talk to somehow. We went through some turbulences but eventually ended up being really good friends. (he has a gf and I'm gay so we aren't that kind of friends anyway)

It's just that...

I've been having some downs lately. I've been feeling sad a lot. And he does not get it.

He claims he wants me to talk about how I feel. But when I do he just seems frustrated, or even irritated, saying that this is hard. It doesn't make logical sense to him and so he cannot accept it.

Now I've had some rough times in my life and I don't really need a concrete reason to feel depressed. I've been up and down that road. And I'd like to think I'm not particularly depressing. I mean sure it's negative energy, but I can't really control how I'm feeling. And he presses me to talk and then proceeds to get all worked up over not seeing sense in it. I've tried explaining countless times. Tried to make him understand where I'm coming from and how it feels to me. All that he seems to notice is how my feelings make him feel. If that makes any sense. And that makes me feel guilty over feeling sad and that makes things even worse. (I swear to god vic, you use the word feel one more damn time and you're getting the slipper. sorry)

So... now I'm torn. There's all this tension between us. We can't talk normally. I know that my state affects my relationships. I know it can bring people down or put them off. But he's so persistent about bugging me... I don't know how to better describe it... that I can't stand it and just end up pushing him away even further. And I've explained THAT three times already. He said he understood once. But now he insists he can't just ignore how I'm acting, how I am.

I'm starting to question if I'm losing my mind. Am I being stupid? Is this that voice in my head telling me to push people I care about away? I mean I've now started actually reconnecting with people so it doesn't sound right. Am I doing something wrong?

I'm at my wits end. I don't know how to talk to him. Please, just give me your thoughts. And don't hold back.

[Mr.Obvious]

Longhorn, I'm hesitant to give you my thoughts. Not because I don't want to help you, but because I don't know you well enough and definitely don't understand the situation fully.
I have to ask though: do you want to talk to him about all this?

[Longhorn]

Longhorn, I'm hesitant to give you my thoughts. Not because I don't want to help you, but because I don't know you well enough and definitely don't understand the situation fully.
I have to ask though: do you want to talk to him about all this?

I do. I talk to him. I've told him most of what I wrote, many times. I don't know what else I could possibly say to him.

[Wyrd of Gawd]

Longhorn, I'm hesitant to give you my thoughts. Not because I don't want to help you, but because I don't know you well enough and definitely don't understand the situation fully.
I have to ask though: do you want to talk to him about all this?

I do. I talk to him. I've told him most of what I wrote, many times. I don't know what else I could possibly say to him.

Maybe he cares about you and he's upset at himself (and at you) because he feels helpless about your situation and doesn't have a clue as to how he can help you.

[Catholic_Lady]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't have much experience in your situation and don't know what clinical depression feels like. But I do know that it's difficult for people to understand depression or any other type of mental illness as a real illness rather than just an attitude problem. From what youre saying here, that seems to be his hang up - he just doesnt understand. Perhaps he wants to help you feel better but cant and so he feels frustrated? Men like to fix things. They feel powerless and bogged down when they just cant.

Don't blame yourself for anything or feel as though you are doing anything wrong. This is not your fault and not something you have control over. Maybe you're already doing this, but have you been regularly seeing a therapist for depression? Depression takes a toll on our relationships and getting treatment for it may be the best thing you can do.

[Longhorn]

I do. I talk to him. I've told him most of what I wrote, many times. I don't know what else I could possibly say to him.

Maybe he cares about you and he's upset at himself (and at you) because he feels helpless about your situation and doesn't have a clue as to how he can help you.

This is true and he's said that. And I told him the specific things he was doing that weren't helping and told him what I feel would help. And he just sighed and kept doing more of the same.

---

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't have much experience in your situation and don't know what clinical depression feels like. But I do know that it's difficult for people to understand depression or any other type of mental illness as a real illness rather than just an attitude problem. From what youre saying here, that seems to be his hang up - he just doesnt understand. Perhaps he wants to help you feel better but cant and so he feels frustrated? Men like to fix things. They feel powerless and bogged down when they just cant.

Don't blame yourself for anything or feel as though you are doing anything wrong. This is not your fault and not something you have control over. Maybe you're already doing this, but have you been regularly seeing a therapist for depression? It takes a toll on our relationships and getting treatment for it may be the best thing you can do.

Yeah, this is true. And I understand that. I've tried to tell him how to make this easier but he can't seem to go through with that.

I am not and in fact have never seen a therapist. I am not diagnosed either. I am not planning to see one. This isn't my life 24/7. It's just a bit of a rough time I've been having the past few days and I'm mostly dealing with it fine. Just sad is all.

Thank you all for your responses.

[Mr.Obvious]

It is important not to blame yourself for how you feel. And you feeling bad is not something taht should cause you to feel guilty.
I'd say try not to get hung up on the fact that he is having trouble relating. Rejoice in the fact that you are worthwhile. You are definitely worthwhile enough to have someone to try.

[Whateverist]

Hmm. I had one massive episode of depression which I did without consulting a therapist. Don't think I'd do that again though. I mean, if there is a pharmaceutical solution to some of the symptoms I'd say yes thank you if I had it to do over again.

As for pushing people away, I did too. Try not to push them too far. You may need more solitude but you probably won't always want that.

[Longhorn]

It is important not to blame yourself for how you feel. And you feeling bad is not something taht should cause you to feel guilty.
I'd say try not to get hung up on the fact that he is having trouble relating. Rejoice in the fact that you are worthwhile. You are definitely worthwhile enough to have someone to try.

Thank you so much. That was sweet to read.

---

Hmm.  I had one massive episode of depression which I did without consulting a therapist.  Don't think I'd do that again though.  I mean, if there is a pharmaceutical solution to some of the symptoms I'd say yes thank you if I had it to do over again.

As for pushing people away, I did too.  Try not to push them too far.  You may need more solitude but you probably won't always want that.

I don't think it's that serious. In any case it's familiar ground and I feel confident in dealing with this. I have this messed up pride thing when it comes to help but I do consider it whenever things get more serious, and if they ever do to a point I can't handle, I will most definitely reach out.

Yeah, I know. Fortunately I don't kick too hard and my friends are patient. Many of them are great in that way that they just kinda know how it is with me.

[J a c k]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aqu4ezLQEUA



This poet explains it so well! I feel ya, girl. All I can say is that you don’t need to have an excuse to go through down moments and you don’t need to give explanations. Your friend needs to know that it’s ok to not understand and sometimes all we need is to express how we feel, not why.

(Hug)