My dad hates me/is kicking me out

[DraxQuin]

So yeah sorry for the apparent melodramatic title but I had to get his off my chest mainly because I have nobody, literally I know no-one and have nobody to talk to.

Just a premise of my entire life I never go out at all due to my stupid beliefs, I am now 18 with no friends at all, never had a girlfriend. my family is Muslim just so you know we're British and my dad was once a christian (before he had any of my brothers/sisters), I was taught that any kind of socializing/drinking/partying was strictly forbidden as people were 'caffers' or whoever the fuck you spell that.

My older brothers didn't listen and would go out and socialize funnily enough they still remain religious even though completely having contradictory attitudes to the whole thing, indoctrination go figure.

Me instead being the apparent "good boy" stayed in day after day, sat behind this stupid computer doing nothing, essentially going completely crazy.

Now I was always the most intelligent in the family getting straight A's while my family failed, I'm not trying to be arrogant the rest of my brothers are all your typical council estate chavs.

I believed as all my brothers did but always believed in evolution (I had been informed it was wrong growing up, but had never payed any attention), religion always bothered me no matter how much I tried to convince myself like my other brothers this concept of hell for all unbelievers resounded to me as completely unjust (among other stupid concepts), yet I bowed and performed my prayers like the good little boy I was. Now when I was 16 I researched Islam to make sure I understood it, and looked up the other side of the argument (Athiesm) noticing my previous notions of religion being a fallacy resounding true in other peoples words was so comforting I felt at home for once.

After becoming an Athiest I was laughed at by all my family, repeatedly called an idiot I recall one fruitful dinner-table conversation where my whole family sat still and laid into me for my views. After that I tried talking to my father personally not at this point understanding how extreme his views were, turned out he was anti-homosexuality, a creationist etc, he used every single dumb creationist argument in the book from 'why do chimps still exist then herp-derp' I had no idea his views were this medieval, he sat their calling me this moron and criticizing me while holding these completely unscientific views.

Next few weeks I avoided him, but then he gives me a link to a website clearing after googling the words "evolution debunked", anyone seeing my thread here:

http://atheistforums.org/thread-8224.html

This was concerning my father, though I made out it wasn't for sake of anonymity and because I don't know I guess I was scared to speak out my situation. I explained to my dad this misconceptions yet he sat their shouting and insulting at me more and more, till the point where he claimed I was scum because I had no morality, I was enraged and stated his Quran preached death to apostates among many other things and said if thats his morality why not kill me on the spot. It may have been extreme but I was emotional at the time. He told me to fuck off and we didn't speak again.

I even showed him videos that contradicted with the apparent scientific proof in the Quran, showing him many of the verses are merely copies from Aristotle's work at the time, this was because he showed me the verse in the Quran apparently talking about the Big Bang. What pisses me off so much about this that I have to vent it, was that the previous day he was telling me how stupid the Big Band theory was, but now its perfectly reasonable because the Quran sites it, and only because he goggled scientific proof in the Quran, he actually had no idea that this verse could imply that up to this point.


Now I don't know why but I tried to look for comfort in my brothers/sisters hoping I could get some comfort from anybody, this was when I realized my older brothers were still religious I was shocked and noticed they were so indoctrinated they literally spewed out nonsense such as "well your pathetic and so sad because you think we just go to the dirt" or "your so sad for thinking theres no god" among many of the standard "evolution is only a theory"

I then tried to talk to my little brother today who completely detests homosexuality, I tried to ask him why and explain to him that this was a silly view.

My dad overhearing this call me down as says "you will not speak your horseshit in my house" I said I was only allowing my brother to think for himself, unlike the indoctrination you have given him "I want you to get out as soon as possible" "you have such weird views, you think it's alright for people to stick their dicks in others asses" "I bet you would like to do that" and "I bet you think pedophiles are ok" at which point I stated that Muhammad was engaged to a 12 year old he told me to get out straight away.

Now my emotions are all fucked up, I'm a depressed bag of shit to put it lightly I have no self-confidence, I was always bullied at school never had any friends, so I was always alone even at school, my father has divorced three times (he's extremely argumentative) each time I've held onto whoever was my mother at the time just to see them go away, now I'm an atheist now my own father hates me and wants me to go away, I have nobody, zero nothing.

I want to get out as soon as possible aswell but don't have hardly any money because my manager at my current job won't give me shifts enough to pay rent on an apartment, as I was working part-time originally due to college.

I'm contemplating suicide, maybe thats stupid, maybe it isnt my whole life has been a shit wreck from the get go and now my father hates me to the bone, I don't know what to do I have nobody in my life who I can talk to.

[The Grand Nudger]

http://suicidehotlines.com/

[Anomalocaris]

If your dad is such shit, why do you confine yourself with the cage he made for you? If you want to free yourself, you have to build a life outside the cage one step at a time. It's your job to build a morally independent and fulfilling life for yourself and condemn your dad to an obscure cellar from which he may rant and rave but bother you not at all.

[DraxQuin]

I want to, but even if I did I have no friends and no social skills, no idea how to even talk to people, and trust me I've tried people just act as if I don't exist.

On top of that idea how or where I'm going to get the money or a place to stay, not to mention because of how I've been living in as you rightly put it this "cage", I wouldn't know what to do, or how to be, in other words I have become so accustomed to being like this I'm outright scared. What if I get kicked out the next day, which I probably am going to be, what can I do, sleep in the streets, I wish I had a friend to go to but no that's right I have jack shit.

Plus like I said, I have a job but the shifts I get won't provide enough money to sustain an apartment, I've asked for more but doubt I will get them before I'm forcefully kicked out.

[Skepsis]

Social skills are something you develop. I hope I don't sound like a dick, but go and try to make friends. Make it a mission, a goal. I have found that I can work through many a hard situation with friends, even those that I don't live anywhere near anymore.

Look for apartments with lower rent or with roommates so you can get stuff paid for.

Your father sounds like a bigoted twit with a lack of a moral compass who projects his feeling onto others that he has power over. I love my father with all my heart but try as I might I cannot even talk about certain things with him.

I hope you can get out of this with success, suicide is never the answer. Life is always worth living.

[Rhage]

I want to, but even if I did I have no friends and no social skills, no idea how to even talk to people, and trust me I've tried people just act as if I don't exist.

On top of that idea how or where I'm going to get the money or a place to stay, not to mention because of how I've been living in as you rightly put it this "cage", I wouldn't know what to do, or how to be, in other words I have become so accustomed to being like this I'm outright scared. What if I get kicked out the next day, which I probably am going to be, what can I do, sleep in the streets, I wish I had a friend to go to but no that's right I have jack shit.

On top of all this I can't help but think I'm to blame, I'm the shit not my father and that I've caused all this to happen...

You didn't cause all of this to happen, your father's narrow-minded bigotry did. Accept that you're not going to change his worldview any more than he's going to change yours.

Here's the thing, given your current situation, you might just have to go with the flow for now, until you can stand on your own two feet. As Chuck said, start expanding your horizons more. I know it's hard for an introvert, but it can be done. Step by step, little by little. In the meantime, stop preaching to your father. You don't want him preaching his belief at you, stop preaching your non-belief to him. If he asks you if you have changed your mind about religion, just tell him that your re-evaluating things and walk away. No need to engage him or your brothers.

When the time comes and you can leave, go and don't ever look back. People like your father will never change. Ever. Accept that and move on.

Lastly, and it might sound harsh, stop talking suicide bullshit. It's not going to get you anywhere and the last fucking thing anyone needs is another person killing themselves over goddamn motherfucking religion.

Ever heard of the "It Gets Better" project? No? Well Google it, and replace the gay talk with religion. It'll get better, you just have to prove you have the stones to get there and tough it out.

Just one person's opinion.

Amy

[DraxQuin]

No you don't sound like a dick quite the opposite, I understand they're something you develop and understand I've never given myself an opportunity to develop them, mainly because its gotten the point where after being bullied and lacking in a lot of self-confidence with the hatred of my father on top of that it the more and more I've tried the more I've backed off because I've gotten worse at it, to the point where I just don't talk to anybody. I know I've got to man up, can't keep being a depressed twit, and I can't let someone like him be allowed to make me upset like this.

Right now though I guess I'm just incredibly scared, I just have no idea what to do.

Also thank you very much Rhage, sorry about the suicide talk your right I need to man up it was stupid but I guess I was too blindly emotional to recognize that, to clarify though I've never preached to my father, my father has always come up to me demanding answers for my atheism.

[Cinjin]

Alright, first things first:

Suicide is a really foolish option. Those who were once formerly suicidal always express extreme gratitude for those that helped them through the rough spot and seem to always mention what a shame it would've been to miss out on the life they currently have.

Secondly? Do you have a vehicle? In tough spots, you can sleep in a vehicle if worse comes to worse - should your dad give you the surprise boot.

Thirdly? Where are you located? There are atheists groups you can reach out to and there is always soup kitchens if you live near a major metropolis. (Again these are short term fixes and you should be concentrating on getting yourself a steady income.)

Fourthly? Don't make excuses. Life can be a horrible bitch ... it can also be amazing if you're one of those people who refuses to be beaten down. Far too many people want someone else to fight their battle for them. This is your burden and you must bear it or convert. Of course, this is your choice, but maybe, someday you could be one of those people with an amazing inspirational story to share

[Aegrus]

I'm so sorry about your situation. Maybe I'm not the right person to post on matters of life and death, but I feel like I need to tell you that you're worth something. More than me.

I considered suicide as well. I was staring at the pills in my medicine cabinet and I was very, very close to taking as many as I could, just to end the pain. I didn't feel any joy, there was just this gray haze over every day. I felt miserable and guilty, like there was some kind of animal clawing through my guts, trying to escape. I cried for hours, day in and day out. No one understood. No one talked to me, probably because I did my best to hide my problems from them.

I had my reasons. I will never tell anyone any of them, but they were there. They are there. I thought it was my fault. I had all these ideas screaming in my head. I thought I was worthless, a piece of shit human being. I couldn't do anything right. I was weird, and everyone else was normal, and it was all my fault.

But I hope this makes you feel better- I'm seventeen, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never had a close relationship. Hell, I've never even been close to kissing a girl. I'm terrified of people to a point where most of my school goes out of its way to avoid me. I'm "weird." I have one friend- my brother, and at the memoent, no source of income. I'm a loser.

But life always gets better. And you have to believe that it will. I said earlier that you're valuable, and I meant it. I admire you. You believe what you believe, or rather, lack belief, because you are brave, and critical. You don't swallow the bullshit that your "father" tells you, and I quote father because it sounds like he's been a shitty one. You're braver than me, you sound more capable than me despite your greater problems.

The conflict in your family is not your fault. It's theirs, and there is a forum-full of people here who will support you and tell you that same truth. Don't give in because your family wants you to, or because they think you aren't worth anything. You are. Don't look for justification from other people like I did. Most other people are idiots. You are your own justification. You have power, you're smart, and there are people all over the world who will help you.

I said that the world always gets better. I put the pills away because I was afraid of death. I found this forum, and forums like it, and I started seeing the world for the first time. Every sunrise is, to be frank, fucking awesome. Every breath is valuable and perfect, because it means that the world hasn't beaten you yet. Things will get better. You have to trust me. Things will get better.

Well, shit, I'm nearly crying now. Well, fuck all. I'm sure my social anxiety is going to make me hate myself for this post, but I needed to write it. I really, sincerely hope that it helps you.

[DraxQuin]

I know life gets better I've heard that same cliche, sorry for being rude I respect your post greatly Cinjin and thank you, please bare with my stupid thoughts I understand they're silly I just feel like shit right now so that's what I'm putting out there .

I sadly don't have a vehicle, like I said I've been working part-time this whole time due to college never had the ability to afford a vehicle especially considering the expenses of car insurance, like I said I've been trying to move into full-time at my work but I have no idea how long I can wait on it, especially with this looming concept of getting thrown out lingering behind me throughout this.

I agree I shouldn't be making excuses I'm thinking of that right as I write a lot of this shit ironically :S, but right now thats all I can seem to think of that its near impossible for me to get out of this rut.

As for my location I'm from the United Kingdom, East Sussex, Hastings. Don't know of any Athiest groups, in fact never known any athiests my whole life.

---

I'm so sorry about your situation. Maybe I'm not the right person to post on matters of life and death, but I feel like I need to tell you that you're worth something. More than me.

I considered suicide as well. I was staring at the pills in my medicine cabinet and I was very, very close to taking as many as I could, just to end the pain. I didn't feel any joy, there was just this gray haze over every day. I felt miserable and guilty, like there was some kind of animal clawing through my guts, trying to escape. I cried for hours, day in and day out. No one understood. No one talked to me, probably because I did my best to hide my problems from them.

I had my reasons. I will never tell anyone any of them, but they were there. They are there. I thought it was my fault. I had all these ideas screaming in my head. I thought I was worthless, a piece of shit human being. I couldn't do anything right. I was weird, and everyone else was normal, and it was all my fault.

But I hope this makes you feel better- I'm seventeen, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never had a close relationship. Hell, I've never even been close to kissing a girl. I'm terrified of people to a point where most of my school goes out of its way to avoid me. I'm "weird." I have one friend- my brother, and at the memoent, no source of income. I'm a loser.

But life always gets better. And you have to believe that it will. I said earlier that you're valuable, and I meant it. I admire you. You believe what you believe, or rather, lack belief, because you are brave, and critical. You don't swallow the bullshit that your "father" tells you, and I quote father because it sounds like he's been a shitty one. You're braver than me, you sound more capable than me despite your greater problems.

The conflict in your family is not your fault. It's theirs, and there is a forum-full of people here who will support you and tell you that same truth. Don't give in because your family wants you to, or because they think you aren't worth anything. You are. Don't look for justification from other people like I did. Most other people are idiots. You are your own justification. You have power, you're smart, and there are people all over the world who will help you.

I said that the world always gets better. I put the pills away because I was afraid of death. I found this forum, and forums like it, and I started seeing the world for the first time. Every sunrise is, to be frank, fucking awesome. Every breath is valuable and perfect, because it means that the world hasn't beaten you yet. Things will get better. You have to trust me. Things will get better.

Well, shit, I'm nearly crying now. Well, fuck all. I'm sure my social anxiety is going to make me hate myself for this post, but I needed to write it. I really, sincerely hope that it helps you.

Thank you that helped me more than you will know.